It's easier not to say anything.

As you guys will probably know by now, since this year started, I have been working to discover more about myself and ways to build on my life. Today, it's my speech, that has come under scrutiny.

I was watching a TV show about speech not long ago, and it brought on reoccurring thoughts I've had about my own speech. I can talk, don't get me wrong, but there are times that it's difficult. Let me explain...

As I was growing up there wasn't a lot that I spoke to people about, and to this day, it's a struggle to open up. Often though, I find that it's not because I don't want to tell somebody something, it's that I find myself physically unable. I can recall many times in my life that I have wanted to say something to somebody but find that the words have been stolen from my lips, and it's extremely frustrating for somebody to think that you want to keep your life a secret from them. The situation often used to be that I didn't want to talk about the things I was feeling, but that is not the case now, as I am more than happy to email or text people about my thoughts and feelings. Maybe it's just anxiety or paranoia kicking in, but it's something that I just wanted to draw my own attention to, and share with you guys.

Also I'd just like to apologise for the lack of blogs this month... I am by no means going to stop blogging, but life has been chaotic. I have a long list of things I'd like to write about and upload as well as a couple of posts I need to check, but they're all on my laptop which is currently dead, and the charger is broken!

I'd also like to say that I visited my nan today, and the only questions that I had to repeat answers to were to my Granddad, who had been out of the room when I previously answered them. A lot of you will never understand what this means to me, but I can tell you now, I am still in awe.

My heart is so full right now.

Finding my voice...

Courtney's Imagination★

Get happy.

Today, I thought I lost some strength. Fact is, I probably gained some, if anything.

I am more than happy to admit that often in life we are gonna struggle, but sometimes, those struggles can get repetitive. I still stand by the saying ‘Life is what you make it.’ but I do understand that sometimes it isn’t that easy.

For example, today I woke up in one of the worst moods possible for no reason at all, and wanted to shut the world out. Instead, I got out of bed and made it so I didn’t get back in, I got dressed, I put on my most meaningful necklace, then looked in the mirror and said to myself; “Let’s do this.’ However many times I have preached the phrase ‘say what you need to say’, it doesn’t end there. I have found that we also have to do what we need to do. Therefore, today I made an effort to be a friend in this world, rather than hate it. In reality if I'd of given in to my instincts today, I would’ve only been hurting myself.

That’s something we often don’t realise too. Most time in our lives when we are stressed out, or upset, or angry, we are the only ones that we are affected by feeling those negative emotions. There are so many times I have told my mum to chill out, or calm down to help herself, but I guess people can be so caught up in the moment that they miss the reality of the situation. Though, that's also like the situation of focussing on the bad parts of your life for so long that you miss the good ones, and the opportunities. Open your mind, and your heart.

Next time you’re feeling something negative, think about who it’s hurting, or affecting. Often, it will only be you. That’s why I believe it’s easier to be calm in crappy siutations, because you think more rationally, and find that the situation can be sorted easier than you first thought, or maybe even that it’s not actually as bad as you first thought.

If all else fails at giving you a smile, music never fails.

You’ve got the power, remember. You control your life.
Courtney’s Imagination★

We just wanna make the world dance.

Today, I’ve learnt life lessons, and gratitude.

For as long as I can remember, my mother has always watched all of those shows you find on daytime TV for home improvements, buying new houses, recipes, gardening, etc. She seemed to be in awe of them. Somehow it became a stereotypical joke between the two of us that she watched them because it was the type of show that middle-aged women like her were supposed to watch. I love real-life shows and true story things, but those were the kinda shows that have never taken my interest, so to me, naively, they were junk.

As I entered a friend’s bedroom a couple of weeks ago, they were watching one of those same programmes I had seen my mum live for whilst growing up. At just 5 years older than me, this friend was far from fitting with the stereotype that me and my mum had created for ourselves, so I questioned it. I certainly wasn't expecting the answer I received...

“Why do you watch this rubbish?”
“Because it reminds me that I won’t be living in a shitty place like this for the rest of my life.”

The place we were living in is far less than a mansion so I could see the points that were made, but it made me think. Soon after, I moved back to my mum’s house. Whilst growing up, she was always able to find something to moan about in our house and now I am at this age, I don’t blame her, because I can see all the faults. As somebody recently learning to always strive for improvement, I can probably see them better than her, now.

When somebody entered my bedroom at my mum’s house not too long ago and made a comment, I was ashamed. At that point I was still the girl who felt that material objects mattered, and as somebody who was always made to feel like nothing more than dirt on the ground for not having a material social status, I cared. Now I see my mistakes.

I finally see just why my mum still watches those ‘junk’ programmes. We live in a house with so much wrong with it and so much potential to change it, but we are held back. My mum still holds that dream my friend has, and I admire her for it. At an age that is probably over half her lifetime, my mum still has dreams, dreams that mean more to her than a new possession. All she ever wanted for us as a family, was the best.

Well excuse the cliché, but you succeeded mum, because ‘the best’ comes in the form of lessons, experience, mistakes, and advice.

I have truly learnt that life is about the people, the feeling, the love, and not the latest trainers you 'just have to have' or the notes in your wallet.

Money does not make the world go round, and you are a moron if you believe it does.

I may not be rich with money, but it is the only thing I am not rich of.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Do it with a heart wide open.

A few days ago, I made myself cry. Yes, I still overwhelm myself with my journey.

You may or may not know by now that throughout my life, I have always had a problem with physically speaking words that I want to say to people. Not just any words; I am more than capable of having pointless and random conversations with people, but when it comes to situations that have in the past, or still do mean something to me, I have always blanked.

I believe the root of that problem was bullying. Starting when I was in primary school and continuing for 7/8 years, I felt like I had a pretty rubbish childhood. Slowly but surely every ounce of my confidence disappeared and I became a girl I didn’t know, but that girl is who I found myself being for several, long years. I was so young and naive when it started though, that I didn’t really know it was wrong. I had no idea that being made to feel like I was living in hell was not normal, so I never spoke to people about it. For so long people never knew the full effect it had on me, most of the ones closest to me still don't, and I will honestly tell you now that I have no idea how on earth I have managed to keep so many secrets for so long.

Anyway. The reason I was brought to tears was because I realised something about myself, and an achievement I had subconsciously made. I had a conversation with somebody. A conversation, face to face, with spoken words, that I have never before managed to conquer in quite the same way. The most important part of this whole scenario was that I didn't even think about it until afterwards. I guess words really do move through our minds whilst we are unaware.

I don't remember if I've posted this song before or not, but it's so relevant right now that I'm going to post it anyway. These words mean the world to me, for so many different reasons.

Say what you need to say...

Courtney's Imagination★

You live to dance another day.

I just wanted to share this with you guys today, because it’s a song that means a lot to me.

Whether you’ve had the best day, the worst, or a pretty average one, I want you to listen to  this song and really listen to the lyrics. I want you to remember that there will always be someone in this world in a worse situation than you, and more often than not, they will have a better attitude towards their situation than you. This doesn’t make you a bad person at all because it’s instinct and everybody is different, but maybe this could be a wake up call to some of you.

The world doesn’t end until the sky touches the grass.

You are not the unluckiest person in the world, and never will be.

Whether you see it or not, however you feel about yourself, I can assure you that people love you. They really do. People are bad at showing their feelings sometimes.

If you fall 1,000,000 times, you have to stand up again, 1,000,001 times.

You live to dance another day. Make the most of that day. You are lucky to have it.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Sharing is caring...

Somebody once shared an amazing story with me that made me realise just how strong I had become, and I want to share it with you guys because it had a great impact on my life. Some of you may know it already, but it’s called ‘The Room of 1000 Demons’.

Once upon a time, a long long time ago in Tibet, there was a ceremony held every one hundred years which Buddhist students could undergo in order to attain ‘enlightenment’.  All of the students would line up in their white robes, and the Tibetan priests and the Dalai Lama would line up before the students.

The Dalai Lama would begin the ceremony by saying, “This is the ceremony of The Room of 1,000 Demons.  It is a ceremony for enlightenment, and it happens only once every one hundred years. If you choose not to go through with it now, you will have to wait for another one hundred years. To help you make this decision, we’ll tell you what the ceremony involves.”

“In order to enter The Room of 1,000 Demons, all you have to do is open the door and walk in. The Room of 1,000 Demons is not very big. Once you enter, the door will close behind you. There is no door handle on the inside of the door. In order to get out, you will have to walk all the way through the room, find the door on the other side, open the door (which is unlocked), and walk out of the room. Then you will be enlightened.”

“The room is called The Room of 1,000 Demons because there are one thousand demons in there. These demons have the ability to take the form of your worst fears. As soon as you walk into the room, the demons will show you your worst fears. If you have a fear of heights, when you walk into the room it will appear as if you are standing on a narrow ledge of an extremely tall building. If you have a fear of spiders, you’ll be surrounded by the most terrifying eight-legged creatures imaginable. Whatever your fears are, the demons take those images from your mind and seem to make them real.  In fact, they’ll be so compellingly real that it will be very difficult to remember that they’re not.”

“We can’t come in and rescue you. That is part of the rules. If you go into The Room of 1,000 Demons, you must leave it on your own. Some people never leave. They go into The Room of 1,000 Demons and become paralysed with fright. They stay trapped in the room until they die. If you want to take the risk of entering the room, that’s fine. If you don’t want to go in and decide that you want to go home instead, that’s fine. You don’t have to enter the room. You can wait until you are re-incarnated, come back in one hundred years time, and try it again.”

“If you want to enter the room, we have two hints for you.  The first hint: As soon as you enter The Room of 1,000 Demons, remember that what the demons show you isn’t real. It’s all from your mind. Don’t buy into it; it’s an illusion. Of course, most of the people who went into the room before you couldn’t remember that. This idea is very difficult to keep in mind.  The second hint has been more helpful for the people who made it out the other side and became enlightened. Once you go into the room, no matter what you see, no matter what you feel, no matter what you hear, no matter what you think, keep your feet moving. If you keep your feet moving, you will eventually get to the other side, find the door, and come out.”

I think this truly shows us that fear is often simply a figment of our imaginations, and how much we are able to conquer it if we are willing.

What would your fear in the room be?

Courtney’s Imagination★

Dr. Pepper’s nothin’ but a cliché.

There are many times in my life where I find myself hesitating over whether or not to do something, as I’m sure there are for you, too. Something I discovered would help myself through this, is to think of Dr. Pepper. Yes, I really am telling you to think about a fizzy drink when you find yourself indecisive. Whether you like it or not is irrelevant, don’t worry, you don’t have to drink it. But when you think of that drink, what else comes to mind? For me, it’s the slogan.

‘Dr. Pepper, what’s the worst that could happen?’

So many people never consider pros and cons in their decisions and that works sometimes, but what happens when you make the wrong choice? Sometimes asking yourself ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’ can really help you in deciding the probability that you’ll regret your choice.

Forget regret or life is yours to miss.

No other road, no other way, no day but today.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Heart's aren't just muscles.

How many people do you hold in your heart? Now, literally fitting other human beings into your heart is pretty impossible, but emotionally, it’s simple. Quite often I think people jump into things and give up control of their hearts, but that’s something I learnt not to do a long time ago. I am always apprehensive when a guy begins to melt my heart, because I always have to wonder what’s best for me.

The guys in my life have taught me a lot, but some of them have been a struggle to have in my life. There are also some who I will always have a weak spot for though, I’ll be honest. That doesn't mean I want them back or that I love them, it doesn't mean that at all. What it does mean, is that I will always care, and want them to be okay, and happy. Whether I still talk to them or not, the past cannot be changed and the memories will forever make me smile. 

So many quotes tell you to never give up on somebody you love, but I don’t agree with that at all. Often in life, the things we want are not the things we need to better ourselves and our lives, and most people do not understand that. I’ll admit, there are a lot of quotes that fit with my life, but I think that solely living your life on every quote that fits is silly. Your life is unique and you are unique. Don’t follow the crowd and make your life fit to quotes, live your life and choose your own wise words. After all, your life is about your choices.

Never hold on to somebody who hurts you profoundly, because that is what they will always do if you never let go. Nobody is perfect and you will always be at risk of being hurt, but some people will truly love you forever. I promise.

Not gonna lie, I wouldn’t change my life for the world.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Happiness is not a crime.

When I first decided to start writing this blog, I thought it’d be easy. I knew the things I wanted to be writing, knew the people I wanted to see it, and I knew what I wanted it to achieve for myself. As more and more people have been introduced to the things I write however, it’s become more difficult. I guess I was just like everyone else in my life, not understanding how much it actually meant to me.

A few days ago it hit me, that despite the fact a lot of you guys don’t know who I am, there’s also a lot of you who do. The more I share on here, the more chance there is that my loved ones who know nothing, will begin to discover who I really am. Don’t get me wrong, I want them to know, but I don’t want them to see the pain they had no idea I went through, and the things they had no idea I felt. Maybe one day I will gain the courage to tell them, or even send them a link so they can see my heart and soul spread bare onto a screen. For now, I’m pleased I can share it with you. Yes, you right there.

Moving on to a more positive note, I have been feeling amazing. January is a tough month for me with all the dates and memories it holds, but I am so pleased to be able to say that I have felt like I have spent the past week or so on top of the world. I am so content with myself, with my mind, with my actions, and with the great big smile on my face. Have you ever wondered what people think about you when you sit in a crowded room with the cheesiest grin ever? Me too, in the past. I don’t care now. I am happy, end of.

It’s not a crime to take a trip and stumble due to your mistakes. It’s a crime to not pick yourself up after you fall.

One day I will tell you more of my secrets. Until then, focus on yourself, and smile.

Happy to be me...

Courtney’s Imagination★

Right as rain.

Sorry I haven’t written for a few days, I’ve been taking time out. I don’t mean that in a bad way, or that I’m feeling bad, but I needed some time to get inspired.

I have written a few things that I’ll upload, but I haven’t yet had enough time to make sure they have the right meaning, as they were just word-vomit rambles.

Anyway. I’m on Adele high at the minute, and just wanted to share the Adele love...

'Cause when hard work don't pay off

And I'm tired there ain't no room in my bed

As far as I'm concerned

So wipe that dirty smile off

We won't be making up

I've cried my heart out

And now I've had enough of love’

Today’s a good day. A really good day.

If yours isn’t the same, think about yourself for a while. Think about what you need, realistically, to get you to a happy place. Today, or any day. Get yourself there.

And smile... :)
Courtney’s Imagination ★