Reach for the stars.

Put your hand up if the future scares you.

Okay, now put your hand up if YOUR future scares you.

I can almost guarantee that my hand was up first for both of those questions, because I can safely say; I am terrified.

I am scared of whether or not I’ll succeed.

I am scared of whether or not I’ll be happy.

I am scared of the places I’ll go, and the things I’ll see, and the people I’ll meet.

I guess you could say I am scared of myself.

I think I’ve mentioned fear quite often here before in negative ways, but this fear is different. It’s unique, and like nothing else I’ve ever been scared of. Fear is something we often class as a bad emotion to be feeling, but I think it’s good too, and pretty exciting.

There are many things in life that will petrify us, but that doesn’t mean we should hold back and live sheltered lives. A very wise man once asked me if I thought that he shouldn’t go through the bad things in his life just because it was difficult. I said that I didn’t think that, and he replied with the following;

“Something good comes out of every situation, and now I'm the happiest I've ever been.” 

That’s been a phrase I’ve repeated many times, and it has taken me far. There came a time in my life where that same man had once said the following to me;

“5 months ago you were failing. I thought you had no hope in hell.”

With that said, it obviously now gives me extreme pleasure to be called a success by him. Sure, I’ve screwed up many parts of my life, but it’s not the falling down that matters in life, it’s the getting back up that gets us through life.

4 years ago when my heart took in those words of having ‘no hope in hell’, I was in a very bad place in my life. If you’ve read previous posts then you may know something about that, but for now, let’s just say that my head was the definition of a train-wreck. To now hear that somebody from my life back then is proud of me for my achievements and where I am today, I’m feeling pretty much ‘over the moon’. Back then though, today was the future to me. Today was a day I was petrified of. Today was a day I weren’t even sure I would get to see. Most things in life turn out differently to how we expect them to or how we plan them to, but not always in a negative way. Those differences can be so, SO good for us.

The sky is not your limit, there are footprints on the moon...
Courtney’s Imagination★

P.s. Enjoy...

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like everything was 'out of place'?

When something has been a regular occurrence or feeling in your life, you just assume that it’s like that for everyone else, too. You never stop to think that there’s even a possibility that you’re doing something that isn’t normal. Even when you’re moaned at or nagged, or called a control freak, for some reason you still don’t see that something isn’t right. Until you grow up.

I watched a documentary last night about people admitting to their problems, and seeing as there are still problems I haven’t mentioned on here or really admitted to myself, I decided it was time to unleash another. I think I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I have irrational fears and intrusive feelings. For as long as I can remember, things have always had to be ‘just right’, and I simply could not stop until they were. Something odd I remember often doing is touching the door-frame. If I’d hit my shoulder whilst walking through, I would always have to stop and touch it again in exactly the same place, until it felt right, or until I got to a ‘comfortable number’. My number was usually 4. Sometimes I would turn around and touch the other shoulder 4 times as well, to make it even.  I remember counting words, too. If I was singing along to something for example, and I sung a wrong word, I would have to repeat it 3 times, so that they added to the original to make a fourth. Then and only then would I feel that it had been ‘cancelled out’ and no longer mattered.

I once cleaned all the cupboards inside and out, before even attempting to put my things inside them. Spilling food drives me insane. If I feel like something is dirty, I must clean it, even if it's spotless. Contamination scares me. I remember being in cars and classrooms with people having to squish to one side of the desk or back seat in fear of being touched and 'contaminated'. I am protective of my belongings. I can’t deal with place-mats and coasters out of line on the table, or dvd cases and books out of place on the shelf. The clothes in my wardrobe are categorized and organised, just like my draws, books, shoes, and even my coats on the coat rack. I won’t rest until my clothes are folded exactly symmetrical or the corners of my towels match up exactly, and I cannot sleep until the top of the duvet is perfectly in place inside the duvet cover. I always move the chairs in my mum’s lounge so they are aligned, and I always have to close the curtains so they are 'perfect' and I can see no gaps. I get anxious that I will be at harm if people realise that the lights are on behind the curtains, and somebody is in. When I am alone outside I am always paranoid that somebody’s behind me, or out to get me. When I am home alone I am always anxious that somebody is in the back garden, or right against the door as I check several times that it’s locked. If I forget to check something, I will be stressed and unfocussed until I get the chance to check it. I notice details too well, and remember them too often. I reread things over and over until I feel like I know what it says, and I always worry that I don't know something well enough. When I travel places, I have to check everything I've packed several times, even if it means I have to unpack and repack. I fear too much that I will miss something out.

I have routines. I follow routines before I go to bed, before I go out somewhere, before I travel somewhere, before I go to work, etc. Often I have found myself late or rushing for something because my routine overran, or waking up at stupid o’clock downstairs because I lacked the energy to get ready for bed and had fallen asleep because I ‘just couldn’t’ miss the routine and go straight to bed. Changes in plans fill me with panic. My room at my mum’s is like my little temple. I’ll admit, it’s not always neat, but everything is in a place I am content with. It’s the one place in which nobody can touch things or move them, or lose them. I’ve always said that my bedroom is my organised chaos, because it’s the one room that is only used by me, or me and others at the same time.

Many times I have found myself obsessing over someone or something, and it used to hurt. I mean, I would be so fed up of constantly thinking about that one thing over and over that I would just get so distressed to the point of screaming. Having clean hands is something I also obsess over. I know that’s such a cliché symptom, but it’s one I have. I simply cannot cope with the feeling of sticky or dirty hands, whether they’re mine or anybody else’s. I remember being annoyed at school, wondering how people could eat their packed lunches without washing their hands before/after. I used to constantly be crossing out words in my books at school if I felt that they weren't neat enough or 'just didn't look right'. A reoccurring thought that’s been with me ever since I can remember is ‘I’m not good enough’ or something I’ve done ‘isn’t good enough’. I know that naturally as human beings we are our own harshest critics, but an obsession over a need for reassurance simply isn’t natural. 

I go through phases of severity and my obsessions and anxieties have changed as I’ve grown up, but many of the things mentioned above are still things I struggle with daily. Up until last night I had never even thought about treatment because I thought it was all just 'ways of life'. I thought OCD symptoms were things people just continued to live and struggle with, but now help is something I’m going to look into. Since coming out of hospital and being 'labelled' with a stomach disease I have always feared adding 'labels' to my list of imperfections, but sometimes the things we need to do reign higher than the things we want to do. Half of me is still unconvinced and feels like all the things I do are normal, but the other half is tired of being obsessed and anxious, because it makes me feel insecure. Even the simple thought of a time when I won't feel it necessary to check everything is off or locked or closed, etc, or have everything perfectly aligned or 'in it's place' distresses me. The fact I have these feelings frustrates me but it isn’t possible to just stop like that, because it all revolves around thoughts in my head and they can’t be turned off with a flick of a switch.

Nobody's perfect, everyone has flaws. This is one of mine.

Step up and help yourself. Admit that you’re struggling.

Admitting there is a problem is the first step to recovery.

Here’s to a brighter, potentially less ‘arranged’ (AHHHHHHHHH!!) future.

It’s scary to try new things and ways of life, but hopefully this will be a calmer one.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Define phobia...

I know, I know; I have posted repeatedly about fear and different aspects of it, but this one's a little different.

Often in life we can find that something which seems like a big thing to us, will seem like a tiny thing to the rest of the world. My theory for that, is because they're not feeling the same way as us about it, and they do not understand. It's okay for them to not understand, I mean, everybody's different so it's only natural. I've found that some things which fits this description, are phobias.

Again, I'll be totally honest here. Even for those of you who know me, you'll more than likely find that you've never spoken to me via a phone call. Reason being, they terrify me. I've always thought it sounds pathetic, and it probably is, but that's the way it is. I believe phobias in adolescence or adulthood can often be linked to something from our childhoods, but like anything, we can work on them if we want it enough. I think my phone call terror is emotionally and sub-consciously linked to the part of my life where I began to shut myself down to everybody and not speak to many of the people in my life, but I believe it's defeat-able.

Severity of phobias is different to everybody I guess because they're not all really comparable to one another, but I'd probably rate mine as a 7 out of 10. I mean, I was texting somebody a few nights ago and even when they mentioned the possibility of a phone call, my heart began beating out of my chest, but they're not totally an alien subject to me. At the same time though, even when I'm meeting up with someone, for example, and they're late or something, I'd often prefer to wait like an idiot, before I'd put myself through the panic of ringing them. Today I realised just hows sad it is that some people's phobias are so much worse and they're prevented from living their lives so much more than me. Phone calls can mostly be avoided without too much hassle, but some things can't.

If you have a phobia that's taking over your life, realising that it's a problem is your first step. Making the decision to change it or work through it, is the second. There are so many different ways and people that can help you work your way through it, or even just to help improve your ways of dealing with it.

So I didn't make that call a few nights ago, but when I picked up my phone and saw a missed call today, I called back. As I said, to most of you that will seem insignificant, but it shows me a lot about myself.

I'm thankful that I found it in myself to return that call today, because it could be the most important phone call of my life.

You never know how many opportunities you are missing, if you don't let yourself reach out for them.

You don't have to live in fear, but you do really have to want to change it, for you to be able to.

Don't let your phobias hold you down. Free yourself. Fight the odds. Make that phone call, or whatever. Go on, prove to yourself that you are capable.
Courtney's Imagination★

P.s. You won't know either way, but I'm sorry if I have missed your call before, because I was too busy panicking. Maybe if you ring me again someday, I will answer. Bear with me on this one folks.

Because I was taught to say what I need...

I know I've posted about fear a few times already, but it's something that keeps arising because it's still in my life, so this post is gonna be a little bit about it too. I don't want people to think I'm not okay from this post, because I have never been better. I am merely practising honesty, and following the lyrics that taught me a wonderful lesson.

Have you ever been so scared of something, that all you wanna do is run from it?

For a long time now, I've been the girl that tries to take herself out of the bad situations. To myself, I've often felt like all I'm doing is running away or not facing up to it, but most times I know I done the thing that was right for me at the time. Today, I've found myself close to the point of wanting to run away again, but this time it's not from a bad situation.

The first time I managed to pull myself out of a massive rut and felt happiness, it felt wrong because it was different, and not something I had been used to. It scared me at first, but I liked it. Sometimes fear is good because it brings challenges and I like challenges because they always teach me something. Now though, my fear is for something good, but I'm struggling to want to face it. I'm struggling to want to trust.

There has never been a point in my life so far that I have felt as fulfilled as I do now, and that makes me care about myself a lot more than I have before. I have never had as much to lose, as I do these days. I have never been so at risk, for letting people into my life. In a weird way I am proud that I can say that, because my life is in such a great place right now.

Let's sum up the truth behind my fears, shall we?

I am not scared of loving, of trusting, of opening up.

I am scared of somebody no longer loving me, of somebody betraying my trust, and of letting somebody know everything about me, so they can use it against me, to hurt me.

I have been in those situations before. They're far from pretty, and I lost myself for a long time.

Maybe it's paranoia, maybe it's just me, or maybe it's natural. Whatever it is, it's a challenge I may shortly face.

All in all, I've said what I need, and I am still happy. Therefore, I shall end with a happy song...

I'm walking on sunshine...

Courtney's Imagination★

We remember moments. We call them memories.

Before I even begin writing this post, I just want to apologise for any overuse of the words 'somebody' or 'someone', not only in this post, but throughout the blog. The reason for it is because this blog is about my life, and although there are many people I share my life with, I do not wish to publicly name most of them in case they may have a problem with it.

Particular happy memories have been floating around my head over the past few days, and as I began to question myself over the reason for it today, I noticed that the answer was staring me in the face. Somebody recently came into my life whom reminds me endlessly of an 'ideal image' of somebody that I used to know, of memories that I once made. I haven't quite managed to put my finger on what's causing the likeliness yet, but it feels extremely odd, in a good way. This person came into my life by chance, but they're making their mark on it simply by being themselves, and  I admire that.

I could not be more grateful for the people I have in my life these days, and about the people I don't have. I have been shown the people who truly care for me and it was an eye-opener, but I can finally say and believe that it is their loss, and I am strong enough to not be held back by people I don't need anymore. Something I often find myself saying to people is 'letting go doesn't mean you're weak, or that you're giving up, it means that you're strong enough to realise that life changes, often in ways we don't expect'. I definitely said it to myself, when I didn't want to let people no longer be in my life. Then I fought through the fear. I realised that I was scared of letting people go, because I was scared of losing the memories.

I am always scared of forgetting; people, places, feelings, faces, voices, personalities, sights, sounds, etc. Even the thought fills my eyes with teardrops. But that is where I need trust myself more. Trust is a big part of life, and it doesn't just stand between 2 people.

Sometimes, the unexpected things we receive are the greatest of them all.

Sometimes, the changes that are thrown at us bring the greatest results of them all.

Often we have to let go of things to be able to get better ones.

Make wonderful memories, learn amazing things, love with gracious hearts. Do all of that and more.

But the most important one, get out there and live your life!

Courtney's Imagination★

Sharing is caring...

Somebody once shared an amazing story with me that made me realise just how strong I had become, and I want to share it with you guys because it had a great impact on my life. Some of you may know it already, but it’s called ‘The Room of 1000 Demons’.

Once upon a time, a long long time ago in Tibet, there was a ceremony held every one hundred years which Buddhist students could undergo in order to attain ‘enlightenment’.  All of the students would line up in their white robes, and the Tibetan priests and the Dalai Lama would line up before the students.

The Dalai Lama would begin the ceremony by saying, “This is the ceremony of The Room of 1,000 Demons.  It is a ceremony for enlightenment, and it happens only once every one hundred years. If you choose not to go through with it now, you will have to wait for another one hundred years. To help you make this decision, we’ll tell you what the ceremony involves.”

“In order to enter The Room of 1,000 Demons, all you have to do is open the door and walk in. The Room of 1,000 Demons is not very big. Once you enter, the door will close behind you. There is no door handle on the inside of the door. In order to get out, you will have to walk all the way through the room, find the door on the other side, open the door (which is unlocked), and walk out of the room. Then you will be enlightened.”

“The room is called The Room of 1,000 Demons because there are one thousand demons in there. These demons have the ability to take the form of your worst fears. As soon as you walk into the room, the demons will show you your worst fears. If you have a fear of heights, when you walk into the room it will appear as if you are standing on a narrow ledge of an extremely tall building. If you have a fear of spiders, you’ll be surrounded by the most terrifying eight-legged creatures imaginable. Whatever your fears are, the demons take those images from your mind and seem to make them real.  In fact, they’ll be so compellingly real that it will be very difficult to remember that they’re not.”

“We can’t come in and rescue you. That is part of the rules. If you go into The Room of 1,000 Demons, you must leave it on your own. Some people never leave. They go into The Room of 1,000 Demons and become paralysed with fright. They stay trapped in the room until they die. If you want to take the risk of entering the room, that’s fine. If you don’t want to go in and decide that you want to go home instead, that’s fine. You don’t have to enter the room. You can wait until you are re-incarnated, come back in one hundred years time, and try it again.”

“If you want to enter the room, we have two hints for you.  The first hint: As soon as you enter The Room of 1,000 Demons, remember that what the demons show you isn’t real. It’s all from your mind. Don’t buy into it; it’s an illusion. Of course, most of the people who went into the room before you couldn’t remember that. This idea is very difficult to keep in mind.  The second hint has been more helpful for the people who made it out the other side and became enlightened. Once you go into the room, no matter what you see, no matter what you feel, no matter what you hear, no matter what you think, keep your feet moving. If you keep your feet moving, you will eventually get to the other side, find the door, and come out.”

I think this truly shows us that fear is often simply a figment of our imaginations, and how much we are able to conquer it if we are willing.

What would your fear in the room be?

Courtney’s Imagination★

Why am I terrified?

Over the past few days, I’ve found myself reflecting on some of my thoughts and actions from the past. I am by no means digging up the past, I just felt that there was a question I needed to answer for myself. So often, I have been the girl that gives in to her fear and it’s held me back from so many amazing things in my life, that I’m quite tired of it. Sometimes even when I just tell myself ‘go for it!’, or ask myself ‘what’s the worst that can happen?’, in the back of my mind I am still crippled with fear. I’ve been thinking about it and decided that I’d like to kind of conclude why I am so petrified, and why I let it hold me back and run away from things.

For as long as I can remember, I would live my life as my own person and not talk about it with people. I became such a private and enclosed person, and as I got older, it became more and more difficult to want to change that habit. I think I had the opinion that it would protect me from getting hurt in a way, and that if I didn’t share my life with people, it meant there’d be less people to judge me or hate me. As I was bullied, I was so naive and caught up in my own little world that I never saw it as being that ‘b’ word. For years and years, all I knew was that it hurt me so much, and I thought it would never stop. I was so young when it started that it was just my life, every day, and I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal for someone to make you hurt so much. Besides, what in this world would ever make me want to admit that I didn’t wanna live through it, when I thought their lives had been the same? 

I think that explains to me the reason I begun to not talk about the things happening in my life, but saying that it was hard to break the habit just doesn’t seem enough. It feels like nothing but an excuse. Or maybe that’s just me being hard on myself?

I’d say I was most scared of myself out of anything; what I said, what I did,  what I felt, etc. As different people came into my life and impacted it, each of them would give me a new attitude. Some would bring inspiration, some: motivation, and others would make me not care. That’s right, the girl who cared way too much about everything in her life, discovered it was possible to not give a damn about something. It was a different feeling which was freeing, but the feeling these people brought me was self destruction. When I got tired of being terrified, I would become extremely impulsive. I would know perfectly the things that were no good for me, but would embrace them to their full extent anyway and somehow, love it. I think it was the element of control that I loved, after feeling so out of control about the rest of my life. Anything I regretted I would block out, so that it didn’t take away that tiny piece of twisted happiness I’d have.

With so many people meaning such different things to me, I thought that maybe it was the people who scared me, rather than the situation. I’d grown a habit to never let anybody grow too close to me, so they couldn’t hurt me. I had such trouble trying to fit people into my life because I would never let them break down my guard. I was scared of being loved, and couldn’t embrace it so at the first sign of seeing the possibility of more pain, I would always run. For me, it seemed a pretty big thing that other people could love me, when I was far from loving myself. As I began to love myself more, it became a challenge I set myself, to not run away from someone trying to love me. So far I have only completed that challenge a few times.

Writing this has opened my own eyes to the reality of my life, but I’m glad I could realise so many things whilst I’m still so young and have my entire life to embrace the changes I can make. Fear doesn’t just disappear and I’ll probably be battling with it for a while, but I definitely need to think about things less.

Take that leap for yourself, and share it with everyone you love. Try not to think about the fear, and never let it swallow up your life.

‘Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.’ - A Cinderella Story.


“To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS.”
― Taylor Swift

Be fearless.

Next time I’ll be braver...

Courtney’s Imagination★