It's easier not to say anything.

As you guys will probably know by now, since this year started, I have been working to discover more about myself and ways to build on my life. Today, it's my speech, that has come under scrutiny.

I was watching a TV show about speech not long ago, and it brought on reoccurring thoughts I've had about my own speech. I can talk, don't get me wrong, but there are times that it's difficult. Let me explain...

As I was growing up there wasn't a lot that I spoke to people about, and to this day, it's a struggle to open up. Often though, I find that it's not because I don't want to tell somebody something, it's that I find myself physically unable. I can recall many times in my life that I have wanted to say something to somebody but find that the words have been stolen from my lips, and it's extremely frustrating for somebody to think that you want to keep your life a secret from them. The situation often used to be that I didn't want to talk about the things I was feeling, but that is not the case now, as I am more than happy to email or text people about my thoughts and feelings. Maybe it's just anxiety or paranoia kicking in, but it's something that I just wanted to draw my own attention to, and share with you guys.

Also I'd just like to apologise for the lack of blogs this month... I am by no means going to stop blogging, but life has been chaotic. I have a long list of things I'd like to write about and upload as well as a couple of posts I need to check, but they're all on my laptop which is currently dead, and the charger is broken!

I'd also like to say that I visited my nan today, and the only questions that I had to repeat answers to were to my Granddad, who had been out of the room when I previously answered them. A lot of you will never understand what this means to me, but I can tell you now, I am still in awe.

My heart is so full right now.

Finding my voice...

Courtney's Imagination★

Still standing tall.

This morning’s post feels like a breakthrough for me, and it was something I had to do for myself. For too long, I was the girl who would not open up about anything, then I became the girl who selectively opened up, only about the things she wanted. That was never enough, for me. I’ve always said I need to put less pressure on myself, but maybe this time it’s paid off.

This is a feeling I’m incredibly not used to, but it feels good as well as uncomfortable. It reminds me of the times it felt wrong to be happy, because it was something that was so different for me. Being open is good for me, it’s amazing. I’ll always remember something I heard on an inspiring school trip that I’d like to share with you guys, because they’re pretty wise words;

“If you’re feeling comfortable, get the hell out. Go and find something uncomfortable. Go and find an uncomfortable place to be. Not a stupidly uncomfortable place, but somewhere you know you need to be, but that you’re just really scared of going there. Just go there. Nothing’s gonna get you there apart from just go there. So be it Kazakhstan, be it on stage, or whatever. Whatever it is for you, just go there.” - Justin Connor.

So hello, this is me. The girl I thought I’d never be, but I am extremely proud of.

The thing I’ve learnt today, is that life should never be about proving things to other people, but about showing yourself who you are. It’s about showing yourself how capable, strong, beautiful, and amazing you are, to deal with anything that is thrown your way.

Push yourself to your limits, and do the things you know you can do. Stop searching, and start believing.

Stand strong and tall, so you can reach those stars.

Courtney’s Imagination★