Today.

I started writing a blog post several days ago, and just deleted every single word of it. I read through it several times, and nothing about it felt right. It wasn’t from the heart. I was afraid that my heart would say too much, but now maybe that would be a good thing. So here I am, laid bare once again, with nothing but honesty.

Admittedly I’m a little out of practice with the whole opening up thing, but now there are things I won’t write for other reasons. I am keeping a tight lip on some things that have happened this year not only because they are not solely things about me, but also because some things are still very raw for me and I am simply not ready to make them public yet.

2013 and particularly the last few months have been incredibly difficult for me. I have found myself thinking and feeling things that I haven’t for years, and I have also found myself thinking and feeling a million new things. Every single one of them has been a challenge, but every single one of them has taught me a lesson.

Something I’ve realized about myself this year is that I have not been true to myself. Every time something has hurt me, I have taken a tiny step backward. Each tiny step has drawn me closer to fear, shame, hatred, and the inability to let go. At the beginning of 2013 I moved away from my family once again, for a job I loved. Whilst on my journey, I made a significant realization that I was not afraid. In comparison to every other move I have made for a job, this was a job role I had known the least about, that I had gained with the least paperwork and effort, and that I would have the most responsibility in. Yet for once in my life, my excitement outweighed my fear. Now as I look back at even last week, that girl is totally unrecognizable.

My heart has been so full of pain, confusion and anger, that I have lost myself. I have forgotten how to love and be proud of myself. I have forgotten how to let things go, and not hurt all the time. I have forgotten how to forgive the simplest mistakes. But most of all, somewhere along the line I forgot how to smile true happiness. I forgot how to be happy. I have taken so many steps backwards and it’s one of those things I never even realized I was doing, until I was right back there in my shell. It’s total deja vu for me, but I was so focussed on the pain and negativity surrounding me, that I lost sight of the beauty, strength and power I once saw in myself. It’s been quite a struggle to even open that shell I’ve been hiding in if I’m honest, let alone step out of it, but today I can say that I am ready. Today, I am ready to not be overwhelmed by pain, fear, and negativity. Today I am ready to learn, love, laugh, and most importantly I am ready to get out there and live my life. 

I am terrified of so many things, but I know that the easy option will never get me anywhere in life, let alone where I want to be. I know that to be proud of myself again, I need to stand up and fight through my obstacles to get myself back on track. After all, it’s not about how many times I fall down, it’s about how many times I pick myself up, dust myself off, and stand up tall, ready to carry on. I know that I am never alone, and I know that there is always somebody worse off than me. I know that I am loved by many and have an incredible support network of people willing to help me through anything and everything. However, I also know that I am too good at pushing people away, and too bad at accepting help, (and often admitting that I even need it). When I hurt as much as I have recently, it terrifies me to let people in, and be close to me. The ‘real me’ might be worn down right now, but I have learnt that I would rather let people see me like this and help me through, than to constantly battle with myself, be alone, and always pretend to be someone I am not.

Everybody has bad days and I’ve no doubt that I will have more, but I believe that for every bad day I get through, there is a brilliant day waiting for me somewhere along the track.

Here’s to stepping out from the darkness. Again.

Here’s to opening my heart. Again.

Here’s to learning to smiling with a heart full of happiness. Again.

Watch this space.
Courtney’s Imagination★

Have you ever loved and lost somebody?

As I mentioned in my previous post, I recently and tragically lost a wonderful friend of mine. So now, as I’m preparing to work in what is probably one of the happiest places on earth this winter, I’m faced with a dilemma. I have found myself stuck in an ultimate funk and I just don’t know how to pull myself together this time. I’ve learned the hard way before and discovered that brushing over what you’re feeling will never work, and it’ll come back to bite you several months later, twice as hard. Therefore I’m feeling very against the idea of waiting until I’m back home after Christmas, to address my grief.

I can’t quite pinpoint exactly what it is I’m feeling, because my emotions seem to be spinning through the cycle of loss. One minute I’m sad, the next I’m in shock, and the one after that I am in denial. I’m extremely lucky to have not been in the position of losing a loved one many times, but this is the worst so far. The problem I am facing this time is not that I am alone-because I know I have a wonderful support network of friends and family-but that I feel it. You see, this friend of mine was a childhood friend but she moved almost 500 miles away shortly after starting high-school. We kept in touch throughout and ironically grew to be closer friends than we ever were whilst living in the same town. She moved so long ago now, and gradually lost contact with most of if not all of her other friends here, and only came back in contact with them a year or so ago. Due to that, the news seems to have hit me the hardest of the people here, and none of them seem to understand why.

Everybody in her ‘new’ town and all her family have each other to lean on and get through this painful time together, because they’re all feeling the same. My issue throughout this process of emotions is that nobody in my support network had memories with her, and they’re not able to say that their lives were better for knowing her. It’s so difficult to have everybody tell me they’re sorry for the loss, but not have them able to remind me of something funny she done, or what she would say to me now, or even how brilliant her life was and all the things she achieved. It’s those little comforts of knowing that a lost loved one was part of your life, that get you through times like this. When you don’t have constant reminders, it’s harder to even acknowledge that it’s real and they’re gone, let alone work through grief and move forward.

Though my heart is a little broken at the moment, it’s not an excuse for me to give up. Most of all, because she wouldn’t want me to. I still believe that everything happens for a reason and that everything will be okay in the end, but sometimes before things can be okay we have to confront the challenges life throws us.

We all inherit tough things that we need to deal with, and we all are faced with loss throughout our lives. We all have our own ways of coping. Today my method has been to blog out the sadness and to remind myself of the greater stuff.

Whatever stage you’re at in life, I want you to take a minute and have a think. I want you to think about all of the things you’ve never said to people because “there’s always tomorrow”.

Tomorrow is never a guarantee. Tell people if you love them, be honest, be true to yourself, smile everyday, and follow your heart.

Life’s too short to hold grudges, have regrets, and tell lies. You never know what’s round the corner, and you never know when a life might shockingly end.

Live your life while you can, and live it to the full. Whether you need a headstone tomorrow, or in 20 years time, give them something to write on it. Give people something to remember you by.

Make yourself proud.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Because I was taught to say what I need...

I know I've posted about fear a few times already, but it's something that keeps arising because it's still in my life, so this post is gonna be a little bit about it too. I don't want people to think I'm not okay from this post, because I have never been better. I am merely practising honesty, and following the lyrics that taught me a wonderful lesson.

Have you ever been so scared of something, that all you wanna do is run from it?

For a long time now, I've been the girl that tries to take herself out of the bad situations. To myself, I've often felt like all I'm doing is running away or not facing up to it, but most times I know I done the thing that was right for me at the time. Today, I've found myself close to the point of wanting to run away again, but this time it's not from a bad situation.

The first time I managed to pull myself out of a massive rut and felt happiness, it felt wrong because it was different, and not something I had been used to. It scared me at first, but I liked it. Sometimes fear is good because it brings challenges and I like challenges because they always teach me something. Now though, my fear is for something good, but I'm struggling to want to face it. I'm struggling to want to trust.

There has never been a point in my life so far that I have felt as fulfilled as I do now, and that makes me care about myself a lot more than I have before. I have never had as much to lose, as I do these days. I have never been so at risk, for letting people into my life. In a weird way I am proud that I can say that, because my life is in such a great place right now.

Let's sum up the truth behind my fears, shall we?

I am not scared of loving, of trusting, of opening up.

I am scared of somebody no longer loving me, of somebody betraying my trust, and of letting somebody know everything about me, so they can use it against me, to hurt me.

I have been in those situations before. They're far from pretty, and I lost myself for a long time.

Maybe it's paranoia, maybe it's just me, or maybe it's natural. Whatever it is, it's a challenge I may shortly face.

All in all, I've said what I need, and I am still happy. Therefore, I shall end with a happy song...

I'm walking on sunshine...

Courtney's Imagination★

Keep calm and carry on.

Sometimes when life's challenges are thrown at us all at once, we find ourselves preferring not to deal with them so we throw ourselves into the task of avoidance, finding any means possible to keep ourselves busy and try to move on without dealing with the problems. I discovered the hard way, that this is extremely unhealthy and does us more damage, than good.

How many of you are guilty of the above crime? Probably most of you to be honest, even if you haven't realised.

I've been in situations that are hard to deal with, and I've been in situations that come back to haunt you, and I can tell you now, the latter is most definitely the hardest.

Nothing in life is easy let alone the things that hurt us, but if it was all a piece of cake, it wouldn't be worth it. No matter what hits us, in time we learn how to move on from the bad. I may not always see it this way when I'm hurting, but I'm a strong believer that being hurt in life is good because if we were never shown how bad it's possible for us to feel, we'd never appreciate the things that make us smile, and how amazing they are.

If you're feeling hurt, or angry, or upset, or betrayed, or any negative feeling, have a think about your entire life so far. Have you been happy before? More often than not, the answer will be yes. Therefore, you know that it is possible for you to feel happiness. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling rubbish; you're not a freak, or messed up, or a robot, you're just bogged down with life, and all of the hurdles that you haven't learnt to jump over yet. Don't panic; take it step by step, and gradually you can teach yourself how to work through everything and smile again.

I did. Many times.

I've grown to be a strong believer in the phrase 'life is what you make it' because that's truly what it is. So much negativity can be brought into our lives so often that it's so easy to get bogged down and let it affect us. It's the natural option that our instincts choose because fighting it and believing that we can make the bad situations into something good seems so, SO much harder. At the end of the day though, if we just sit and let it all pile up on our shoulders, we will honestly never be happy. Also if we try to brush past the problems without working through our feelings towards them, I can promise you, they WILL come back to haunt you and then it's ten times harder.

We can't predict what life's gonna throw at us, nor can we prevent it, but we can learn how to challenge ourselves in the best possible ways, and we can learn how to smile in spite of our problems.

More often than not, people stare so long at the door that's closed behind them, at the thing they've lost, that they miss all the doors that are opening in front of them, because they're looking behind them.

Look forwards.

Jump forwards, walk forwards, dance forwards, climb forwards, crawl forwards, skip forwards, sprint forwards.
However you move, make it forwards, and only hold what's behind you as a memory.

Holding on to the past will never do you good.

Let yourself live, love, and laugh.
Courtney's Imagination★

Do it with a heart wide open.

A few days ago, I made myself cry. Yes, I still overwhelm myself with my journey.

You may or may not know by now that throughout my life, I have always had a problem with physically speaking words that I want to say to people. Not just any words; I am more than capable of having pointless and random conversations with people, but when it comes to situations that have in the past, or still do mean something to me, I have always blanked.

I believe the root of that problem was bullying. Starting when I was in primary school and continuing for 7/8 years, I felt like I had a pretty rubbish childhood. Slowly but surely every ounce of my confidence disappeared and I became a girl I didn’t know, but that girl is who I found myself being for several, long years. I was so young and naive when it started though, that I didn’t really know it was wrong. I had no idea that being made to feel like I was living in hell was not normal, so I never spoke to people about it. For so long people never knew the full effect it had on me, most of the ones closest to me still don't, and I will honestly tell you now that I have no idea how on earth I have managed to keep so many secrets for so long.

Anyway. The reason I was brought to tears was because I realised something about myself, and an achievement I had subconsciously made. I had a conversation with somebody. A conversation, face to face, with spoken words, that I have never before managed to conquer in quite the same way. The most important part of this whole scenario was that I didn't even think about it until afterwards. I guess words really do move through our minds whilst we are unaware.

I don't remember if I've posted this song before or not, but it's so relevant right now that I'm going to post it anyway. These words mean the world to me, for so many different reasons.

Say what you need to say...

Courtney's Imagination★