"It's no wonder you're fucking feeling down".

Today I’m gonna be a hypocrite because we can’t be strong every day, least of all when we get bad news. Today, I feel like the world is bloody cruel.

My family have been through so much, especially lately, and I’m proud of them. I only just realised it if I’m honest, but they must all be made of stone, or something. Over the past year or so, life just seems to have got worse and worse for them and they’ve just gone along with it. I honestly thought it had reached a point that couldn’t get any worse, but today I have been proven wrong. Today, I have been given yet another piece of shitty news that’s aiming to tear them apart.

Over the past couple of days I’ve been working on a programme with an amazing staff team, and a lot of kids who need to be shown their potential, like I needed when I was their age. It was a great programme, but it was a little overwhelming as I once again reflected on my journey. As the pressure heated up and the challenges were thrown at me, I faced them head on, thrashed every single one, and was even commended for doing so. Afterwards though, the lack of sleep and stress had worn me down and it was like a lorry had knocked me sideways. I went outside for air whilst the team finished packing up, and was joined by one of them for a heartwarming conversation. We concluded that it’s no wonder I felt down, when so many different parts of life are in the gutter. For once it was weirdly nice to not be emotional about me, because I’m at a relatively good place in my personal life and am hopeful and positive for the parts that aren’t so great. I feel a little guilty for that though, being able to be content when my family are having such a tough ride in life right now.

It’s hard to feel positive for my family, when they just keep getting knocked down. I’m not going to list all of the issues with them because it’s not fair on them and I don’t want sympathy, but today I discovered that one of them has cancer. Today was the first day in a long time that I’ve cried those howl-y, achey, heart and soul kinda tears. I felt like I was mourning for my family’s sanity. I am so mad that so much shit is being thrown at them, because they are the last people who deserve it right now. I’m so angry and heartbroken all in one that it’s blocking my pma, but I don’t even care. I feel like an angst-ridden teen again.

Not every day can be a good one I guess, so I’m just going to let myself be sad until it passes. Sometimes all we have the strength to do is have some down-time and feel sorry for ourselves, so that's what we must do!

Bad news hits me hard, but sometimes, the world is so unfair.

I have a happier, half-written post to upload for you soon but until then, I need this...

Courtney’s Imagination★

Let's go fly a kite.

I have just finished watching Mary Poppins with one of the most wonderful people in my life. Mary Poppins was my all-time favourite film from my childhood and I think Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke do a fabulous job with their characters, so I totally love re-watching it. In fact, I love it so much that my brother bought me my very own Mary Poppins a few years ago. Hilarious, but brilliant!

With today being easter, it's a time most people spend with family and loved ones, but often the people who matter move towards the back of minds as people become obsessed with the amount of chocolate they receive, comparing and bragging on all their social networking sites.

As somebody who has taken her loved ones for granted much too often, I hope that you guys can realise what you have and make the most of the love surrounding you. People can be so lovely if you're lovely to them, and even if you don't appreciate them yet, the love and support you're given will get you through much more than chocolate will!!

Happy Easter, lovely people.

Enjoy it, and share your love with the ones who love you.

Courtney's Imagination★

Happiness is not a crime.

When I first decided to start writing this blog, I thought it’d be easy. I knew the things I wanted to be writing, knew the people I wanted to see it, and I knew what I wanted it to achieve for myself. As more and more people have been introduced to the things I write however, it’s become more difficult. I guess I was just like everyone else in my life, not understanding how much it actually meant to me.

A few days ago it hit me, that despite the fact a lot of you guys don’t know who I am, there’s also a lot of you who do. The more I share on here, the more chance there is that my loved ones who know nothing, will begin to discover who I really am. Don’t get me wrong, I want them to know, but I don’t want them to see the pain they had no idea I went through, and the things they had no idea I felt. Maybe one day I will gain the courage to tell them, or even send them a link so they can see my heart and soul spread bare onto a screen. For now, I’m pleased I can share it with you. Yes, you right there.

Moving on to a more positive note, I have been feeling amazing. January is a tough month for me with all the dates and memories it holds, but I am so pleased to be able to say that I have felt like I have spent the past week or so on top of the world. I am so content with myself, with my mind, with my actions, and with the great big smile on my face. Have you ever wondered what people think about you when you sit in a crowded room with the cheesiest grin ever? Me too, in the past. I don’t care now. I am happy, end of.

It’s not a crime to take a trip and stumble due to your mistakes. It’s a crime to not pick yourself up after you fall.

One day I will tell you more of my secrets. Until then, focus on yourself, and smile.

Happy to be me...

Courtney’s Imagination★

Do superheroes live forever?

Have you ever lost somebody, yet fought yourself over the reality?

How about watched someone you love slowly slip away right in front of your eyes?

When I first started this blog, I made a promise to myself. I decided I didn’t have to write about everything in my life, but I swore that the things I chose to write about, would be 110% honesty. So here goes, 110% heart and soul, thrown at the screen. 110% of emotion, on the one subject I never talk about. 'Cause sooner or later, things are always shared.

Out of everything I have been through in my life, I’ve always said none of it is really comparable because it’s all different, and makes me feel different things. That changed however, as I got told the news that slowly began to eat me up. I never let myself think about it, scared of the reality. I never let myself talk about it, terrified of admitting that it’s happening. I’m good at denying stuff and lying, I had my life as practice.

When my nan stood beside me in my living room and told me that she had Alzheimer’s disease, I suddenly found myself with a bullet proof wall around me and a bullet stuck on the outside. I could not let it sink into me. I could not face the reality. Her voice was still so cheerful, and I admire that more than words could ever describe. It wasn’t that she didn’t understand or that it hadn’t sunk in yet either, because even now on a really good day, she will tell me again, and again. She understands it perfectly well. 

I’ve only totally opened up about this to one person, and that’s only because she’s been in my shoes. Well, my actual shoes would be too big for her, but you know what I mean. I don’t remember the last time it came up and I know she hates to think about it, but for what it’s worth, her answers were more than enough, and I’d like to thank her again.

Every time I see my nan she has gotten that little bit worse, and it kills me. Sometimes I have to sit besides her in silence and let my mum do most of the talking, just so I don’t have to answer the same questions over and over. This nan is my dad’s mum, so it doesn’t affect my mum as much. Sometimes I never say a single word while I’m there, just so I don’t fall apart in front of people. That’s the thing, I hide my emotions about this, and try to block it out. I still struggle to face the reality. I don’t want to face it. I have to be the strong one, right? Isn’t that how the story goes?

I think my Grandad is the true hero, and rock of the family. On a bad day, I can see the life being sucked away from him and it breaks my heart. As he looks at her, you can see the hurt and wonder in his eyes. You can see the love in his eyes. When I look into his eyes, I always wish I could stop him hurting, but I’m not a miracle worker, and I can’t take this away with a wish like I believed when I was a kid.

The way I’ve dealt with most things in life is through learning acceptance, but I’ve never understood how to accept something that is always changing, right in front of me. Every time I feel ready to face the situation, I am suddenly thrown into a whirlwind of emotion as I realise that the situation has changed, as I realise that my nan has declined, again. That’s how Alzheimer’s works, from what I can understand. It’s as if the person’s brain is going backwards in time, and bit by bit, memory by memory, they begin to forget their entire lives. It's like we're losing her, before she's even left us.

I remember something my mum once told me that my nan had told her; she said ‘As long as I remember my grandchildren, I don’t care.’ And that’s when it hit me, how much life had changed as I’d grown up, and how much the thought of losing her, hurt me. I am the baby of the family, and the thought of being the first to be forgotten, a time where I'm the only one she doesn't remember, shatters my heart.


When you’re a kid, you always think that your parents and grandparents will never change. I’m pretty sure for a while, I even used to think they would outlive me. I didn’t know death existed. Oh how those were the days. ‘Cause when you’re a kid, the people you look up to in life are your superheroes, and in comic books, the heroes are portrayed as always being there. 

I love my grandparents, and I don’t say it often enough. They will always be my superheroes. ♥

Courtney’s Imagination★