Are you in love?

I used to wonder why people would ever cheat on their other half, but sometimes the hypocrite in me understands it. Sometimes I do see why someone would want to be with someone other than their girlfriend or boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean they should do it. At the same time though I will always believe that if you have to be with more than one person at once then you shouldn’t be with either of them, because they clearly don’t give you everything you want. Nobody deserves that pain of finding out that the person they’re with wants to be with someone else, or the phases of blaming themselves, or the lack of trust they then have for everybody in their lives. I’ve been with guys who’ve cheated on me, and even though I can let myself see reasons for it, I am definitely 110% against it.

I think when somebody hurts you in a way you haven’t been hurt before, you don’t bounce back easily. You go through phases of emotion whilst trying to understand how somebody could possibly hurt you like that, because it just doesn’t sink in. You wonder how you can get over it and you wonder how you can stop loving them. A friend of mine has had some guy trouble lately and been wondering whether or not to give out a second chance or whether to wait for the guy she loves, and it got me thinking about love. I can honestly tell you now, I don’t think anybody ever falls totally out of love. I mean, when you make memories with someone, take photographs, give gifts, and share parts of your life with them, they’re things you’re never gonna forget. People say you can forgive but never forget, and I think that’s true. You can learn to forgive somebody and let go of the pain to move on with your life, but in reality, it will always be there in the back of your mind.

Out of all my previous relationships, there has only been one that felt perfect when it happened. We were totally smitten and he had more in common with me than any other guy, but it wasn’t plain sailing. There were definitely bumps and cracks along the pavement, and in the end it didn’t work out. I’m not gonna play the victim here because I gave as good as I got when it comes to hurting each other, but it doesn’t change the fact that I care about him. Somebody once told me that if you truly love somebody but break-up then a friendship between you will never work, but if you don’t truly love them, then you could have the best friendship after you split. We never worked as friends after we broke up, but I’ve learnt a lot about things I want in a guy, and things I don't want.

I know it’s often unrealistic to have an image in your head of what you want from a guy, but at the end of the day most of the characteristics are probably opposite traits to previous boyfriends, so it’s only natural. I do know the things I want from a guy, but I’m realistic too, and willing to compromise. A wise friend of mine once told me to think about the things I would compromise though, and the things that I feel are necessary. There are some traits in a guy that would just be a bonus, but having things in common to base a relationship around in the first place is a pretty big essential. She also told me to think about the things I may subconsciously settle for that would be compromising myself. Never settle for second best, guys and gals. That goes both ways. Never settle for being second best, and never settle for having second best. If you do, I can promise you now, you will forever be looking over your shoulder at what you’re missing.

I know I’m young but there are a few guys I’ve loved and I’ll admit there will always be a part of me that will always love parts of them, but I’m thankful to them for being in my life and for helping me learn about the things that matter to me. I’m thankful to them for helping me learn who I am, and believing in me.

Love is like a memory; it never totally fades away, even if you want it to.

You can never forget the things in your life, for they made you who you are today.

People enter your life for a reason.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Speaking of love, I have a lot for this man...

It started with a rumour, ended with hug.

Not too long ago a friend of mine was cheated on by her boyfriend, and she's heartbroken and struggling. For a long time I've been the kind of person to think about life and feelings a lot throughout difficult situations, and having been in the same kind of situation to her and having reflected on it now from a positive mindset, I spoke to her about it to try and help her understand what she's feeling. Once again that time of my life is something I've never really opened up details about just because it was so personal. I know heartache is something most people don't like to talk about or remember, but I'm fine with it now and from seeing how much it has helped my friend today I decided to share it on here to hopefully help some of you guys, too.

I apologise if anything I've written is stereotypical or offensive to you, I am just writing from my experience and my point of view. I also apologise if this post brings bad memories or feelings for you, but most times if something still hurts us, it means we are not at peace with it. Often we need to be at peace with painful memories, so they don't come back as demons and haunt us.

Whenever somebody talks to me and I get the feeling they're not as okay as they've claimed, I try to help. By no means do I force somebody to talk to me because it's their own choice, but I try to help them because I hate the thought that somebody could be feeling things I've felt before. Today from the first word my friend spoke to me I knew that she wasn't okay. So the following is, as best as I could describe, my most recent experience of heartache.

Alice is my friend, but she's not one of my closest friends and because of that, she's not one of the people I have everyday contact with. The past few times we've spoken I got the feeling she wasn't okay but she didn't wanna talk about it so I didn't force it, but in all honesty, she seemed pretty messed up. I don't mean that harshly but it was like she'd been crushed, and all her energy had been drawn out of her and replaced with a constant dwelling. She was lost, which makes sense now I know the reason.

The last time I was in that situation was several months ago, but it was a relationship that, looking back, I shouldn't have been in. When that relationship broke down I realised how lost I had been, but I was hurting and had reached the point of not giving a damn about myself because it felt like he didn't. Don't get me wrong, I know that's ridiculous, but I was a mess during that relationship and that was how I'd let myself feel. The fact I would finish work and have a drink in my hand within 5 minutes just goes to show how unwilling I was to deal with the pain and problems back then. Turning to alcohol is something I absolutely don't recommend or condone under any circumstances, but for that month or so it helped me exist. It's weird but I wouldn't say I was living during that time purely because I wasn't enjoying life. It was difficult and I didn't know how so I didn't bother trying to figure it out.

I'd felt broken before, but that time it was on a whole other level because life had changed so much. I'd moved out of my mum's, was working and living with some awesome people, and was practically living with said boyfriend. But I wasn't being honest with myself. I'd always had issues with the way I looked, as most girls do, but after being diagnosed with a long-term illness and then living with a 2-digit number of girls to be compared to, my confidence was up and down more than a yo-yo. I never let myself get to grips with being myself and living and working as that happy, confident girl, before I threw myself into a relationship. I guess that was my way of trying to fit in easier, by lying to myself that I would feel like part of the team quicker if I was with somebody who'd already been there over a year. I think that's more than likely, and I will admit, I didn't want to be in that relationship at all and I fought against it for a whole month before I was charmed in. Not only had I been drawn into a relationship, but I had lulled myself into a false sense of happiness and security. When it ended I found myself in a whirlwind and continuous circle of emotions and thoughts. I didn't want to feel what I was feeling, hence finding that quick fix in alcohol to numb my feelings, just so I could smile and pretend. It's only natural after a break-up to want and need stability and happiness.

The transfer to single life can be a lonely one, especially if you were living together. It's cliche, but I guess it's like that situation of being alone in a crowded room. It's like you're unsure of everything. I didn't know how to feel, what to say, what to do, etc. You constantly wonder who you are, and begin to doubt all of the people that claim to love you, just because one person's love suddenly turned into a lie. When you love someone, you don't want it to stop. You crave the good times because they were so great, and during that, your memory paints over the bad times to trick you into denial. So when you look back at what's happened, it's like you see nothing but butterflies and daisies, which makes everything seem so much worse because you can't have it back.

I'm not gonna say that it's impossible to get through heartache on your own, but I'm sure it's much easier when you're surrounded by support. I had so many people around me to help me through and it still felt like hell. Just like everything in this world, it takes time. Time can heal so many things, if you're willing to be patient and let it. With that said though, you do need to be willing. I seemed to continuously go through stages of anger, denial, acceptance, loneliness, sadness, and confusion. As the days gradually went on I seemed to be finding out more and more that said boyfriend had said or done behind my back, and for a long time I found myself simply unable to understand. It was so uncomfortable to even think about, it all became just one of those things I wanted to leave at the back of my mind and forget forever. I didn't want to work through the hurt because I didn't want to remember it or try to understand it incase I uncovered more secrets.

As I've established I was pretty much just an emotional wreck in love, with alcohol flowing through my bloodstream. So when I thought things were changing and we were somehow growing closer again, I was naturally hopeful. When we were together he had become my quick fix to cheer up because he knew how to make me laugh and smile, so it was my instinct to want a quick fix to stop feeling rubbish, and at that point I didn't know what else would work. It turned out that my hopes ruined me, as it came to light that he was an emotional wreck too. We both had different views of what we wanted, and it didn't help us at all. In the times I felt like we were closer, I wanted it to continue, but in the end it just hurt me more because paranoia kicked in big-time. When you think you're so close to what you want, anything and everything becomes and threat to you because at that point, you're so ridiculously insecure, you just see anything as a threat that could mess up your fantasy. I can tell you now though, it is SO wrong to live in a fantasy.

Nothing in life should be rushed if it is to be successful, and this goes for getting over heartache too. If you're unwilling, or just hide away, you'll be hurting for a lot longer than if you face the problem.

'The best thing we can do through loss of love, is to find ourselves through it.' - Pat Monahan, Train.

Just for the record, said ex-boyfriend and I aren't on bad terms now, and I wouldn't change a single thing about my life, given the choice, because then I wouldn't be the girl I am today, and I love her.

It's not about fixing or forgetting, it's about moving forwards to bigger and better things.

Courtney's Imagination★

Let's go fly a kite.

I have just finished watching Mary Poppins with one of the most wonderful people in my life. Mary Poppins was my all-time favourite film from my childhood and I think Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke do a fabulous job with their characters, so I totally love re-watching it. In fact, I love it so much that my brother bought me my very own Mary Poppins a few years ago. Hilarious, but brilliant!

With today being easter, it's a time most people spend with family and loved ones, but often the people who matter move towards the back of minds as people become obsessed with the amount of chocolate they receive, comparing and bragging on all their social networking sites.

As somebody who has taken her loved ones for granted much too often, I hope that you guys can realise what you have and make the most of the love surrounding you. People can be so lovely if you're lovely to them, and even if you don't appreciate them yet, the love and support you're given will get you through much more than chocolate will!!

Happy Easter, lovely people.

Enjoy it, and share your love with the ones who love you.

Courtney's Imagination★

Heart's aren't just muscles.

How many people do you hold in your heart? Now, literally fitting other human beings into your heart is pretty impossible, but emotionally, it’s simple. Quite often I think people jump into things and give up control of their hearts, but that’s something I learnt not to do a long time ago. I am always apprehensive when a guy begins to melt my heart, because I always have to wonder what’s best for me.

The guys in my life have taught me a lot, but some of them have been a struggle to have in my life. There are also some who I will always have a weak spot for though, I’ll be honest. That doesn't mean I want them back or that I love them, it doesn't mean that at all. What it does mean, is that I will always care, and want them to be okay, and happy. Whether I still talk to them or not, the past cannot be changed and the memories will forever make me smile. 

So many quotes tell you to never give up on somebody you love, but I don’t agree with that at all. Often in life, the things we want are not the things we need to better ourselves and our lives, and most people do not understand that. I’ll admit, there are a lot of quotes that fit with my life, but I think that solely living your life on every quote that fits is silly. Your life is unique and you are unique. Don’t follow the crowd and make your life fit to quotes, live your life and choose your own wise words. After all, your life is about your choices.

Never hold on to somebody who hurts you profoundly, because that is what they will always do if you never let go. Nobody is perfect and you will always be at risk of being hurt, but some people will truly love you forever. I promise.

Not gonna lie, I wouldn’t change my life for the world.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Why am I terrified?

Over the past few days, I’ve found myself reflecting on some of my thoughts and actions from the past. I am by no means digging up the past, I just felt that there was a question I needed to answer for myself. So often, I have been the girl that gives in to her fear and it’s held me back from so many amazing things in my life, that I’m quite tired of it. Sometimes even when I just tell myself ‘go for it!’, or ask myself ‘what’s the worst that can happen?’, in the back of my mind I am still crippled with fear. I’ve been thinking about it and decided that I’d like to kind of conclude why I am so petrified, and why I let it hold me back and run away from things.

For as long as I can remember, I would live my life as my own person and not talk about it with people. I became such a private and enclosed person, and as I got older, it became more and more difficult to want to change that habit. I think I had the opinion that it would protect me from getting hurt in a way, and that if I didn’t share my life with people, it meant there’d be less people to judge me or hate me. As I was bullied, I was so naive and caught up in my own little world that I never saw it as being that ‘b’ word. For years and years, all I knew was that it hurt me so much, and I thought it would never stop. I was so young when it started that it was just my life, every day, and I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal for someone to make you hurt so much. Besides, what in this world would ever make me want to admit that I didn’t wanna live through it, when I thought their lives had been the same? 

I think that explains to me the reason I begun to not talk about the things happening in my life, but saying that it was hard to break the habit just doesn’t seem enough. It feels like nothing but an excuse. Or maybe that’s just me being hard on myself?

I’d say I was most scared of myself out of anything; what I said, what I did,  what I felt, etc. As different people came into my life and impacted it, each of them would give me a new attitude. Some would bring inspiration, some: motivation, and others would make me not care. That’s right, the girl who cared way too much about everything in her life, discovered it was possible to not give a damn about something. It was a different feeling which was freeing, but the feeling these people brought me was self destruction. When I got tired of being terrified, I would become extremely impulsive. I would know perfectly the things that were no good for me, but would embrace them to their full extent anyway and somehow, love it. I think it was the element of control that I loved, after feeling so out of control about the rest of my life. Anything I regretted I would block out, so that it didn’t take away that tiny piece of twisted happiness I’d have.

With so many people meaning such different things to me, I thought that maybe it was the people who scared me, rather than the situation. I’d grown a habit to never let anybody grow too close to me, so they couldn’t hurt me. I had such trouble trying to fit people into my life because I would never let them break down my guard. I was scared of being loved, and couldn’t embrace it so at the first sign of seeing the possibility of more pain, I would always run. For me, it seemed a pretty big thing that other people could love me, when I was far from loving myself. As I began to love myself more, it became a challenge I set myself, to not run away from someone trying to love me. So far I have only completed that challenge a few times.

Writing this has opened my own eyes to the reality of my life, but I’m glad I could realise so many things whilst I’m still so young and have my entire life to embrace the changes I can make. Fear doesn’t just disappear and I’ll probably be battling with it for a while, but I definitely need to think about things less.

Take that leap for yourself, and share it with everyone you love. Try not to think about the fear, and never let it swallow up your life.

‘Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.’ - A Cinderella Story.


“To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS.”
― Taylor Swift

Be fearless.

Next time I’ll be braver...

Courtney’s Imagination★

How many times will it take to get right?

We all make mistakes, every single one of us, even the best of us. We are only human, mistakes and regrets are inevitable. Sure, we all say that we should have no regrets, but then we just go and make more. Some people would call that stupidity, but I’d just call it living. I mean, how do we live without things to learn from? How do we fulfil our lives if they never change, and we never change?

Today, I made a mistake. I tried to involve somebody in a situation that I shouldn’t have. Nobody else can solve our problems and they can’t learn from our mistakes, all they can do is support us. We are the only ones who should control ourselves and our lives, so that we are true to ourselves. Often, we try to back out of something we have created, because we lose our courage. We may not be able to change our past or the reality surrounding us right now, but we all have the ability and strength inside to shape our future.

In life, all that people may ever ask of us is our best, and that is all that we will ever be able to give them. Even if we give more, all it means is that our best has improved and is better than what we thought. Do you give your best, in your life? How many regrets do you have, that you won’t let yourself move on from? I know it’s easier said than done, but giving up on something doesn’t mean that you’re too weak to hold on to it, it means you’re finally strong enough to let it go because you know it’s best for you. I don’t want you to hurt from your mistakes, I want you to be happy. Let go of your pain, free yourself, and smile.

Somebody once told me that I will only ever have one chance at this, and I’m not at a dress rehearsal like the shows I do. He was talking about life. I never really thought about comparing life to anything until that point, but his words could not have been truer. So I’m going to pass on his wisdom to you. I told a lot of people over the holiday period to make the most of every moment they are blessed with, but I’m gonna extend that now.

If you’re reading this, I want you smile from the bottom of your heart, and make the most of every moment that you are presented with for the rest of your life. It’s true that you never know what life may bring, but that stands for the positives, too. Nothing in life is ever just bad, if we open our eyes and let ourselves see the good, too.

You only get one chance, one life. This isn’t a dress rehearsal, or a first draft, or a warm up match. This is real. You’re alive. You have your life. Live it for noone but yourself, and love it, for noone but yourself.

Everything happens for a reason. We are all stronger than we will ever realise, and none of us can predict so much as the next 5 minutes, let alone the rest of our lives.

Whatever you do, smile, laugh, and dream.

Courtney’s Imagination★

You are loved.

When somebody tells you that you look good, what do you say?

When somebody tells you that you’ve done something well, how do you feel?

Recently I have received so many amazing compliments, and they have never meant more to me than they do now. The people in my life, have never meant more to me than they do now.

As you probably know by my last few posts I have changed a lot over the past few months, but change never ends. I don’t mean that I am not happy with the person I am right now, I am ecstatic. What I mean, is that there is always room for improvement. If I were to sit back and say my job is done, and I will be this person forever more, I would be a fool. Life is always moving on and there will always be things for me to learn, so I’m gonna indulge in that.

Life really is about what we make for ourselves, and even though that’s not always easy, we always get by. We have no other choice. What we do have the choice of, is the way we treat the people in our lives, and the amount of respect we show them. When we are loved, we often don’t realise the extent of that love. There have been many times in my life where I’ve been treated the wrong way and also where I have treated people wrongly, and that’s more than likely the case for all of us at some point in our lives. It’s such a cliché, but we really do need to treat people the way we want to be treated in life.

Make the most of the people you love.

Courtney’s Imagination★