"It's no wonder you're fucking feeling down".

Today I’m gonna be a hypocrite because we can’t be strong every day, least of all when we get bad news. Today, I feel like the world is bloody cruel.

My family have been through so much, especially lately, and I’m proud of them. I only just realised it if I’m honest, but they must all be made of stone, or something. Over the past year or so, life just seems to have got worse and worse for them and they’ve just gone along with it. I honestly thought it had reached a point that couldn’t get any worse, but today I have been proven wrong. Today, I have been given yet another piece of shitty news that’s aiming to tear them apart.

Over the past couple of days I’ve been working on a programme with an amazing staff team, and a lot of kids who need to be shown their potential, like I needed when I was their age. It was a great programme, but it was a little overwhelming as I once again reflected on my journey. As the pressure heated up and the challenges were thrown at me, I faced them head on, thrashed every single one, and was even commended for doing so. Afterwards though, the lack of sleep and stress had worn me down and it was like a lorry had knocked me sideways. I went outside for air whilst the team finished packing up, and was joined by one of them for a heartwarming conversation. We concluded that it’s no wonder I felt down, when so many different parts of life are in the gutter. For once it was weirdly nice to not be emotional about me, because I’m at a relatively good place in my personal life and am hopeful and positive for the parts that aren’t so great. I feel a little guilty for that though, being able to be content when my family are having such a tough ride in life right now.

It’s hard to feel positive for my family, when they just keep getting knocked down. I’m not going to list all of the issues with them because it’s not fair on them and I don’t want sympathy, but today I discovered that one of them has cancer. Today was the first day in a long time that I’ve cried those howl-y, achey, heart and soul kinda tears. I felt like I was mourning for my family’s sanity. I am so mad that so much shit is being thrown at them, because they are the last people who deserve it right now. I’m so angry and heartbroken all in one that it’s blocking my pma, but I don’t even care. I feel like an angst-ridden teen again.

Not every day can be a good one I guess, so I’m just going to let myself be sad until it passes. Sometimes all we have the strength to do is have some down-time and feel sorry for ourselves, so that's what we must do!

Bad news hits me hard, but sometimes, the world is so unfair.

I have a happier, half-written post to upload for you soon but until then, I need this...

Courtney’s Imagination★

Are you in love?

I used to wonder why people would ever cheat on their other half, but sometimes the hypocrite in me understands it. Sometimes I do see why someone would want to be with someone other than their girlfriend or boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean they should do it. At the same time though I will always believe that if you have to be with more than one person at once then you shouldn’t be with either of them, because they clearly don’t give you everything you want. Nobody deserves that pain of finding out that the person they’re with wants to be with someone else, or the phases of blaming themselves, or the lack of trust they then have for everybody in their lives. I’ve been with guys who’ve cheated on me, and even though I can let myself see reasons for it, I am definitely 110% against it.

I think when somebody hurts you in a way you haven’t been hurt before, you don’t bounce back easily. You go through phases of emotion whilst trying to understand how somebody could possibly hurt you like that, because it just doesn’t sink in. You wonder how you can get over it and you wonder how you can stop loving them. A friend of mine has had some guy trouble lately and been wondering whether or not to give out a second chance or whether to wait for the guy she loves, and it got me thinking about love. I can honestly tell you now, I don’t think anybody ever falls totally out of love. I mean, when you make memories with someone, take photographs, give gifts, and share parts of your life with them, they’re things you’re never gonna forget. People say you can forgive but never forget, and I think that’s true. You can learn to forgive somebody and let go of the pain to move on with your life, but in reality, it will always be there in the back of your mind.

Out of all my previous relationships, there has only been one that felt perfect when it happened. We were totally smitten and he had more in common with me than any other guy, but it wasn’t plain sailing. There were definitely bumps and cracks along the pavement, and in the end it didn’t work out. I’m not gonna play the victim here because I gave as good as I got when it comes to hurting each other, but it doesn’t change the fact that I care about him. Somebody once told me that if you truly love somebody but break-up then a friendship between you will never work, but if you don’t truly love them, then you could have the best friendship after you split. We never worked as friends after we broke up, but I’ve learnt a lot about things I want in a guy, and things I don't want.

I know it’s often unrealistic to have an image in your head of what you want from a guy, but at the end of the day most of the characteristics are probably opposite traits to previous boyfriends, so it’s only natural. I do know the things I want from a guy, but I’m realistic too, and willing to compromise. A wise friend of mine once told me to think about the things I would compromise though, and the things that I feel are necessary. There are some traits in a guy that would just be a bonus, but having things in common to base a relationship around in the first place is a pretty big essential. She also told me to think about the things I may subconsciously settle for that would be compromising myself. Never settle for second best, guys and gals. That goes both ways. Never settle for being second best, and never settle for having second best. If you do, I can promise you now, you will forever be looking over your shoulder at what you’re missing.

I know I’m young but there are a few guys I’ve loved and I’ll admit there will always be a part of me that will always love parts of them, but I’m thankful to them for being in my life and for helping me learn about the things that matter to me. I’m thankful to them for helping me learn who I am, and believing in me.

Love is like a memory; it never totally fades away, even if you want it to.

You can never forget the things in your life, for they made you who you are today.

People enter your life for a reason.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Speaking of love, I have a lot for this man...

I temporarily forgot how much I love this man.

I’ve been so crazily busy lately that I seemed to have forgotten how much I love the wonderful Mr. Ben Howard, but not any longer!

After just witnessing his BBC Radio 1 Live Lounge session, I have totally been reminded of how perfect he is.

Darling you're with me forever and always.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Emotions are unique, just like you.

I'd originally decided I would relax with green tea and a music channel tonight in the hope of making sleep easier, but changed my mind when I heard a certain song. Have you ever wondered why certain things can be remembered so poignantly sometimes?

Some memories are amazing to remember, don't get me wrong, but the less pleasant ones always seem to enter my head at the worst of times. I am currently sat 'watching' whichever random music videos that this channel cares to provide me with, and my ears are enjoying some songs I haven't heard in years. Then a particular song comes on, and it gets me thinking.

Sure, I have had some truly phenomenal times in my life that relate to songs and remembering them is awesome, but occasionally they can lead to negativity. For example, a song that reminds me of being in Germany (most beautiful place I have been so far), on a chairlift with my friend, gossiping about our love lives and singing this song out to what felt like the world. That was a fantastic time in my life, but that situation ended with returning home and discovering I had been broken up with, hence, negative. I'm not still sad about that relationship ending at all because I'm still so young and have never yet met somebody that I felt I would spend the rest of my life with, but it got me thinking about the way good memories and emotions can lead into bad ones.

When it comes to emotions I feel like they're something that each individual is connected by, but also a very strong thing that defines each and every one of us. Speaking for myself, I know that I feel emotions intensely and often become obsessed on one certain feeling or situation. Friends of mine are sometimes unable to understand this simply because they do not, and probably never will, feel the exact things that I do. Our daily lives constantly tell us and show us how we are different from everybody else in this world, but there is so much that we never realise. No two pairs of eyes will ever take in the same images they see in their lives, just the same way that no two mouths will ever take in the same flavours that they taste. Our personalities define every part of us, and I love that.

I've learnt a lot about myself and the person I am lately, and I am incredibly thankful for every experience (good and bad!) I have been given, to make me the person I am right now, with the knowledge I have.

A part of what I've been taught is to accept every feeling you experience, and learn from it. If something made me angry, I could feel that anger and dwell on it, but I would get nothing good from it. If I enable myself to accept the anger, feel that emotion to it's extent, and let it pass, it will give me greater strength, and a greater sight into myself as a person, and my ability to deal with emotion. An important realisation I had is that when I feel anything negative, more often than not I am the only person that I will effect, by feeling it.

'Life is what you make it. Always has been, always will be.' - Eleanor Roosevelt.

Most people in life will never realise how true that is, will never let themselves live their lives to their full potential, and will never truly get to know themselves.

Don't let yourself miss out and be one of those people.

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong...

Courtney's Imagination★