Have you ever loved and lost somebody?

As I mentioned in my previous post, I recently and tragically lost a wonderful friend of mine. So now, as I’m preparing to work in what is probably one of the happiest places on earth this winter, I’m faced with a dilemma. I have found myself stuck in an ultimate funk and I just don’t know how to pull myself together this time. I’ve learned the hard way before and discovered that brushing over what you’re feeling will never work, and it’ll come back to bite you several months later, twice as hard. Therefore I’m feeling very against the idea of waiting until I’m back home after Christmas, to address my grief.

I can’t quite pinpoint exactly what it is I’m feeling, because my emotions seem to be spinning through the cycle of loss. One minute I’m sad, the next I’m in shock, and the one after that I am in denial. I’m extremely lucky to have not been in the position of losing a loved one many times, but this is the worst so far. The problem I am facing this time is not that I am alone-because I know I have a wonderful support network of friends and family-but that I feel it. You see, this friend of mine was a childhood friend but she moved almost 500 miles away shortly after starting high-school. We kept in touch throughout and ironically grew to be closer friends than we ever were whilst living in the same town. She moved so long ago now, and gradually lost contact with most of if not all of her other friends here, and only came back in contact with them a year or so ago. Due to that, the news seems to have hit me the hardest of the people here, and none of them seem to understand why.

Everybody in her ‘new’ town and all her family have each other to lean on and get through this painful time together, because they’re all feeling the same. My issue throughout this process of emotions is that nobody in my support network had memories with her, and they’re not able to say that their lives were better for knowing her. It’s so difficult to have everybody tell me they’re sorry for the loss, but not have them able to remind me of something funny she done, or what she would say to me now, or even how brilliant her life was and all the things she achieved. It’s those little comforts of knowing that a lost loved one was part of your life, that get you through times like this. When you don’t have constant reminders, it’s harder to even acknowledge that it’s real and they’re gone, let alone work through grief and move forward.

Though my heart is a little broken at the moment, it’s not an excuse for me to give up. Most of all, because she wouldn’t want me to. I still believe that everything happens for a reason and that everything will be okay in the end, but sometimes before things can be okay we have to confront the challenges life throws us.

We all inherit tough things that we need to deal with, and we all are faced with loss throughout our lives. We all have our own ways of coping. Today my method has been to blog out the sadness and to remind myself of the greater stuff.

Whatever stage you’re at in life, I want you to take a minute and have a think. I want you to think about all of the things you’ve never said to people because “there’s always tomorrow”.

Tomorrow is never a guarantee. Tell people if you love them, be honest, be true to yourself, smile everyday, and follow your heart.

Life’s too short to hold grudges, have regrets, and tell lies. You never know what’s round the corner, and you never know when a life might shockingly end.

Live your life while you can, and live it to the full. Whether you need a headstone tomorrow, or in 20 years time, give them something to write on it. Give people something to remember you by.

Make yourself proud.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Are you beautiful?

In England the sun is shining bright and the forecast is set to be good for the rest of the week, so that is just something else to add to my good mood! This is the first post I'm writing to you whilst sitting in the sun, and it is awesome! The sun is bright, the tunes are blasting, and even the birds are singing along! I'm not just gonna drone on about summer though, don't worry.

The further forward I get in life, the further behind I am leaving my past. Obviously it’s stuff I will never forget because it’s all made such an impact on the girl I am today, but I know that my past doesn’t effect my present or my future anymore. The reason I say that it doesn’t effect it anymore, rather than just saying it doesn’t effect it, is because that’s a choice I made. I made that choice to not turn memories into regrets and let them hold me back from living my life and moving forwards.

I’ve probably spoken about this in a post before at some point and I know it is such a common cliché, but life really is what we make it. I used to think I would never succeed and I would never get anywhere in life, but now I am finding myself so much further above those expectations. Any expectations we set ourselves whilst in a bad state of mind, we are bound to excel past when that state of mind changes. I’ve been in a bad place so many different times in my life, that it always became my belief that I wasn’t good enough. When we start to believe negative things about ourselves, we start to ruin ourselves profoundly. The question ‘Am I good enough?’ is something that’s haunted me for a long time, in any and every situation, and it came from believing negative things about myself. All those negative beliefs, came from negative comments of others.

I don’t believe those things now, and I think the people who have said them are simply jealous and/or just trying to make their insecurities feel smaller, but it did take me a long time and a lot of mistakes to get to the point that I make my own opinions and beliefs about myself.

How many of you have ever called somebody, anybody, a name? Maybe a homeless person, or an elderly person?
How many of you have been called a name that you didn’t like?

Chances are, most of you would put your hands up to both of those questions. I’ll openly admit that I would, too. This is something I’ve seen too, I mean, I didn’t realise at the time because I was too young and hurting too much, but the person who used to bully me was being bullied herself. I believe that this is often the case. But if we gave a thought before we opened our mouths, we could more than likely prevent a lot of pain.

It may be a beautiful day, but there are a lot of people in this world that are not beautiful on the inside. Make sure you’re not one of them, and think before you speak.

Take a second to think about what you should say to somebody, before you say it. Words can speak louder than you may ever realise. Words can hurt somebody more than you may ever realise.

If you make fun of somebody, what do you gain?
If you compliment somebody, what do you lose?

The answer to both of those is nothing, but you can impact somebody’s life, by either. Impact a life in a positive way, and you won’t regret it.

Be beautiful.

Stay beautiful.

Courtney’s Imagination★

It started with a rumour, ended with hug.

Not too long ago a friend of mine was cheated on by her boyfriend, and she's heartbroken and struggling. For a long time I've been the kind of person to think about life and feelings a lot throughout difficult situations, and having been in the same kind of situation to her and having reflected on it now from a positive mindset, I spoke to her about it to try and help her understand what she's feeling. Once again that time of my life is something I've never really opened up details about just because it was so personal. I know heartache is something most people don't like to talk about or remember, but I'm fine with it now and from seeing how much it has helped my friend today I decided to share it on here to hopefully help some of you guys, too.

I apologise if anything I've written is stereotypical or offensive to you, I am just writing from my experience and my point of view. I also apologise if this post brings bad memories or feelings for you, but most times if something still hurts us, it means we are not at peace with it. Often we need to be at peace with painful memories, so they don't come back as demons and haunt us.

Whenever somebody talks to me and I get the feeling they're not as okay as they've claimed, I try to help. By no means do I force somebody to talk to me because it's their own choice, but I try to help them because I hate the thought that somebody could be feeling things I've felt before. Today from the first word my friend spoke to me I knew that she wasn't okay. So the following is, as best as I could describe, my most recent experience of heartache.

Alice is my friend, but she's not one of my closest friends and because of that, she's not one of the people I have everyday contact with. The past few times we've spoken I got the feeling she wasn't okay but she didn't wanna talk about it so I didn't force it, but in all honesty, she seemed pretty messed up. I don't mean that harshly but it was like she'd been crushed, and all her energy had been drawn out of her and replaced with a constant dwelling. She was lost, which makes sense now I know the reason.

The last time I was in that situation was several months ago, but it was a relationship that, looking back, I shouldn't have been in. When that relationship broke down I realised how lost I had been, but I was hurting and had reached the point of not giving a damn about myself because it felt like he didn't. Don't get me wrong, I know that's ridiculous, but I was a mess during that relationship and that was how I'd let myself feel. The fact I would finish work and have a drink in my hand within 5 minutes just goes to show how unwilling I was to deal with the pain and problems back then. Turning to alcohol is something I absolutely don't recommend or condone under any circumstances, but for that month or so it helped me exist. It's weird but I wouldn't say I was living during that time purely because I wasn't enjoying life. It was difficult and I didn't know how so I didn't bother trying to figure it out.

I'd felt broken before, but that time it was on a whole other level because life had changed so much. I'd moved out of my mum's, was working and living with some awesome people, and was practically living with said boyfriend. But I wasn't being honest with myself. I'd always had issues with the way I looked, as most girls do, but after being diagnosed with a long-term illness and then living with a 2-digit number of girls to be compared to, my confidence was up and down more than a yo-yo. I never let myself get to grips with being myself and living and working as that happy, confident girl, before I threw myself into a relationship. I guess that was my way of trying to fit in easier, by lying to myself that I would feel like part of the team quicker if I was with somebody who'd already been there over a year. I think that's more than likely, and I will admit, I didn't want to be in that relationship at all and I fought against it for a whole month before I was charmed in. Not only had I been drawn into a relationship, but I had lulled myself into a false sense of happiness and security. When it ended I found myself in a whirlwind and continuous circle of emotions and thoughts. I didn't want to feel what I was feeling, hence finding that quick fix in alcohol to numb my feelings, just so I could smile and pretend. It's only natural after a break-up to want and need stability and happiness.

The transfer to single life can be a lonely one, especially if you were living together. It's cliche, but I guess it's like that situation of being alone in a crowded room. It's like you're unsure of everything. I didn't know how to feel, what to say, what to do, etc. You constantly wonder who you are, and begin to doubt all of the people that claim to love you, just because one person's love suddenly turned into a lie. When you love someone, you don't want it to stop. You crave the good times because they were so great, and during that, your memory paints over the bad times to trick you into denial. So when you look back at what's happened, it's like you see nothing but butterflies and daisies, which makes everything seem so much worse because you can't have it back.

I'm not gonna say that it's impossible to get through heartache on your own, but I'm sure it's much easier when you're surrounded by support. I had so many people around me to help me through and it still felt like hell. Just like everything in this world, it takes time. Time can heal so many things, if you're willing to be patient and let it. With that said though, you do need to be willing. I seemed to continuously go through stages of anger, denial, acceptance, loneliness, sadness, and confusion. As the days gradually went on I seemed to be finding out more and more that said boyfriend had said or done behind my back, and for a long time I found myself simply unable to understand. It was so uncomfortable to even think about, it all became just one of those things I wanted to leave at the back of my mind and forget forever. I didn't want to work through the hurt because I didn't want to remember it or try to understand it incase I uncovered more secrets.

As I've established I was pretty much just an emotional wreck in love, with alcohol flowing through my bloodstream. So when I thought things were changing and we were somehow growing closer again, I was naturally hopeful. When we were together he had become my quick fix to cheer up because he knew how to make me laugh and smile, so it was my instinct to want a quick fix to stop feeling rubbish, and at that point I didn't know what else would work. It turned out that my hopes ruined me, as it came to light that he was an emotional wreck too. We both had different views of what we wanted, and it didn't help us at all. In the times I felt like we were closer, I wanted it to continue, but in the end it just hurt me more because paranoia kicked in big-time. When you think you're so close to what you want, anything and everything becomes and threat to you because at that point, you're so ridiculously insecure, you just see anything as a threat that could mess up your fantasy. I can tell you now though, it is SO wrong to live in a fantasy.

Nothing in life should be rushed if it is to be successful, and this goes for getting over heartache too. If you're unwilling, or just hide away, you'll be hurting for a lot longer than if you face the problem.

'The best thing we can do through loss of love, is to find ourselves through it.' - Pat Monahan, Train.

Just for the record, said ex-boyfriend and I aren't on bad terms now, and I wouldn't change a single thing about my life, given the choice, because then I wouldn't be the girl I am today, and I love her.

It's not about fixing or forgetting, it's about moving forwards to bigger and better things.

Courtney's Imagination★

You can't hold me down.

I'm a teenage girl (yes, for another month I can just about call myself that!) and guys are a part of my life, but other than people from my past they are something I guess I haven't blogged much about because 1; it's another personal chamber I'm opening, and 2; so far this blog has been about my change. Today will be different. I think it's about time that I totally open up my present, rather than my past. So here goes, on 26th March 2012, this is how my life stands.

I don't mean to sound like a big-head here, but after having several different guys try to win me over, I have realised why it takes me time at the beginning, to be drawn in. For a long time now I've put a lot of focus on myself as a person simply due to the past, and in previous relationships I admit I have not been at peace with myself or my life. I know I've said it before and it's probably such a cliche, but I think if I was any happier right now, life would just seem surreal. Sometimes I do wonder how I am so happy when things around me are so rubbish, but the trick is to not let it get you down. I will never know how I've managed to master that one, but it doesn't even matter, not one tiny bit.

When I was little, I used to think that different parts of life were like categories and they shouldn't mix, but now I know they can relate to one another. The past few times I've shared my ambitions with a guy, they've either wanted to block it out, or try to change my mind. You see, fulfilling all my goals would entail moving across the pacific, and I have such great determination to do so, that I guess I made them panic or something. I'm thankful for that though 'cause if anybody ever wants to try to stop someone from fulfilling their dreams, I think it's safe to say that they are selfish, but also that they don't really have your best interests at heart at all. (Okay, apology is needed here! I said at the beginning I would talk about the present rather than the past, but I'm sorry, I just cannot stop myself comparing!) The last person I shared those plans with is still in my life, and it pleases me to say that all I received was admiration. It pleases me even more, to share with you guys that I am this close || to having my dream job.

The sun is shining, I'm smiling, and life is moving fast.

Never watch your life pass you by, instead, stand up and move forward with it.

Courtney's Imagination★