Happy Father's Day

I love you and I wish more than anything I could say that to your face. I miss you and it certainly hasn't got any easier, but I will always remember the memories we have. The most predominant of all being in those last days when I got to share those special moments with you, and the smile on your face as I would beam at you to reassure you that you weren't alone.

I think about you a lot. I am thankful for all the great times we shared, but I am young, I can't help but think about how much of my life you will miss. Who will walk me down the aisle and beam at me like you did? Who will assess which boys are good enough for me and be angry when I get hurt? Who will teach my children bad habits and spoil them rotten on special sleepovers? I know you're always in my heart and often around here messing with my stuff, but it's not the same.

You were my replacement for a shoddy dad who doesn't even deserve that title, but no one could ever replace you. I remember when I was little at all those football matches, how I always wished you had been my dad, and how I wished you could be anyway. I guess wishes really do come true.

Party hard up there while I make you proud of me.

You will always be my number one.

Courtney's Imagination★

Seems the dying are the only ones who really know how to live.

The title of this post is a line from a song on an album I have been playing all day long today, and it's really struck a chord with me. It rings so true, because so many of us never realise what we have or what we could have, until the moment is gone and it's too late.

Make the most of your life. It's YOUR life.

Love, laugh, be happy, be free.

Courtney's Imagination★

Fall down seven times, stand up eight.

I always used to think I could always get what I want. I always had so much determination to get it, I always used to think I had so much power. Truth is, I don't always get what I want. I mean sure, I can work my arse off for it, I can try my best and give everything I've got, but at the end of the day, we don't always get what we want. That's life.

I used to think that if I stopped believing in myself, if I stopped believing I could have anything I wanted, it would be like letting myself down. But I guess it's not, because all I can do is try my hardest and hold on to hope. I don't always get what I want. Hell, I don't even always get what I deserve. Most of the time I don't know why and I've blamed other people, but if something is wrong in my life then I am the only one at fault. I am the only one who can control my life, who can change my life, and who can 'fix' my life. Hey, maybe I do have all the power after all. 

Growing up, you start to realise how much your life feels like a lie. You begin to be old enough to know truths and gain responsibilities. You start to see how much power you have over your life. But that's just it, because your life is the only one you have power over. You cannot control someone else's thoughts, feelings, or their life. You cannot change the past, and you cannot change reality. When it comes down to it, all you can do is make a future. So that's what I'm here to do. I'm here to take back control of my life, to be in charge and really make something of myself. I'm here to make a difference and let all of you wonderful people share my journey with me.

Here's to not holding back.

Courtney's Imagination★

Game over.

I have to be brutally honest here because I feel like my life kind of depends on it lately. I can't have anything to hide anymore, I have to be that better person I mentioned yesterday. I have to be honest and teach myself some differences between right and wrong. It's nothing I do on purpose, but I find that I sometimes struggle to see where the line is between the two. 

You see, sometimes I find myself playing games, and they are not games of the good kind. I play games with myself, in my head, and I play games with other people. Now, I don't want to come across on the wrong tracks here. At the time, I have blinkers on and I do not see that what I am doing is wrong, or may hurt someone, (most often myself, don't worry). But do you ever get those times when you realise something, the second it's too late? I get that a lot. I don't mean to make regrets for myself, but there are many times when I have regret something I have done or said. I am often guilty of following through with irrational and spontaneous ideas, and in the end they leave me in a worse place than I was before. So for the best interests of myself and everyone around me, I'm going to try my best to think before my words or actions cause any more hurt. After all, my best is all I can give.

Boy am I putting myself on the line here. It is absolutely terrifying yet so weirdly satisfying. I don't think I've ever been this honest with myself, only 'admitting' things like this in my head and brushing them off. That's no life for myself.

I'm only human. I hurt people. I make mistakes. I do things wrong. I get lost. I forget things. I have flaws. 

Hey, I'm pretty much just a monster.

But I'm working on it.

I promise.

Courtney's Imagination★

I've seen fire and I've seen rain.

In some of my worst times recently, I've found myself in a position with no one to talk to and no one to support me. Whether that's because they have been too busy, not picked up, or replied too late, I have found myself in these horrible situations. My losses are something that have played on my mind a lot lately, and they are still the things I think I struggle most with. Having to be there for myself has been extremely difficult so I have often turned to music and simply hoped that I can find the answers in the lyrics.

Today I'd like to share a song I recently remembered which speaks so many truths for me.

I always thought that I'd see you again...

Courtney's Imagination★

'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home.

I saw somebody else's blog post today with the title 'Written on a good day', and it dawned on me that my day had been relatively okay today. Yeah that's right, for the first time in a long time, I actually felt positive about something, and realised it. It's a surprisingly nice feeling, a feeling I'd forgotten about.

I done something yesterday that I should have done a long time ago. Another first time in a long time, I actually stood up for myself and I done so with a rational head on my shoulders. Travelling and living in different places for years has left me with a very complicated base to come back to between each adventure. When I last returned, I decided to stay for a while. I had no idea how long I would stay or what I would do, but it felt like the right time, to spend some time at home. It didn't feel like home anymore, and that needed correcting.

There have been so many times when I've run away from a bad place or a bad situation, I've probably mentioned it a few times before. It's funny, now it bugs the pants off me when other people run from things. Learning to be a better person means I can't run anymore. I mean, physically I could do whatever I want, but morally it's not right and it makes my life so much more complicated. More complicated is something I definitely do not need! So here I am sticking it out in a place called home, trying to 'fix' all the problems that come with it. Sure there are some things that can't be 'fixed', but I guess they will help me with that ol' acceptance issue of mine.

So, after 9 months of being here, I'd like to take a moment to welcome myself home. I don't know what the future holds for me, or where it will take place, or who will be in it. But what I do know, is that I'm on a great path once again, ready to build a wonderful life again.

Learning to love myself, all over again.

Courtney's Imagination★

Here's to me.

Please forgive me if I come across as a hypocrite here, but I'm afraid I do not remember many of the things I have written. I have lost my way a lot since November 2011, struggled to pick myself back up since October 2012, and life has been a great big spiral for me since August 2013. I'd like to think I'm the wonderful girl who has written so many of these honest and heart warming blog posts, but in truth, I'm not sure who I am anymore. I'd like to think that I can somehow reconnect with myself by writing here again and reading some posts 'from the past', so please bear with me if I do not make sense or if I say something that goes against any of my previous beliefs. None of it is on purpose or to be hurtful.

If you were to ask me to name everything that is wrong with my life right now, I would be able to reel off a list. Yet at the same time my heart would fill with guilt. At the end of the day I am truly lucky. I am alive. I have a wonderful mother and a wonderful roof over my head. I have most of my family still in my life. I have every meal I need, and whether I see it sometimes or not, my life is surrounded with people who love and care for me greatly. Whilst I know so many people out there are craving these things I take for granted, I often cannot help myself but to see only the negatives of my life.

I lost my best friend. I lost my stepfather, my 'real' father. I do not have a bond with my biological father. I barely even have a bond with my brother anymore. I never have luck with finding a wonderful and stable job, and I am always treated wrong by the opposite sex. I do not have perfect health and though I am currently well, it is always playing on my mind like I am simply waiting on the edge to fall ill. I feel alone and unloved more often than not lately, and being surrounded by people does not usually help.

Call me shallow, hell, call me whatever you want to call me, but I have to be honest with myself. I remember watching a video where a teacher filled a jar with golf balls, stones, sand, water, etc. Each item smaller than the last. Each item represented various aspects of life and though I do think I sound horrendously shallow to feel like the above parts of my life are terrible, they each fall into some of the most important aspects of life. Writing my 'issues' down on to black and white makes them feel so small, it makes me wonder how I can emotionally feel them so greatly. Life affects some people in different ways to others, and I am one of the people you could probably call a drama queen over it, though I do not act for attention or anything of the sort. I simply feel emotions deeper than most people, and the challenges of life often impact me more than I have witnessed them impact others around me. This is something that is incredibly difficult to live with, but I guess I would not be me without it. I so often have and give reactions before I can rationally think about them. By the time I have realised, I have usually screwed something up for myself.

I had my birthday less than a fortnight ago and in the run up to it, I genuinely had to ask myself how old I would be turning. Looking back at my life overwhelms me. I have been through some things I would never have imagined I'd go through before turning 23, yet I know people who have been through so much more. It kind of begs the question, what is this thing called life? It brings pain and heartache to so many people and some of them never get over it. Too many people lose their lives, and too many people have to fight through such difficult obstacles just to continue breathing and waking up every day. It brings the realisation once again of how lucky I am, to not have to physically struggle to breathe every week, day, hour, or second.

If you know me, I'd like you to do something for me. Every time you hear me dwell or see me frown, I'd like you to help me stop. I'd like you to remind me of something positive, because if I keep all these reminders, I can build on my positivity and beliefs and be me again.

Someday, one day soon I hope, I will be able to truly smile again.

Here's to learning who I am.

Here's to being that girl.

Courtney's Imagination★

"Keep your chin up."

The following post was written in August 2014 and I'm not sure why I never published it, but I'd like to share it now because it involves real and honest feelings...

I was sitting on the sofa tonight reflecting on some things that had been said, and I realised just how lost I am in my life. Most importantly today, I realised the extent in which I don't know how to deal with loss. I'm not going to go into my losses right now because I don't particularly wanna be crying endlessly at 5am, but I will try to explain myself a little.

A friend of a friend posted something on Facebook about a week ago, and my friend had 'liked' it which meant it came up on my news feed. (Apologies if you're unaware of Facebook terms, but basically it just means I could see what this girl had written.) She'd lost the love of her life several months before, and was writing to explain how she would never be happy again until either he came back, or she joined him. At the time of reading it, I couldn't really make sense of why someone would speak of wanting to die like that, so openly. People say that everyone grieves differently, but really, they are just words and we are all expected to grieve in the same ways. Heartache, denial, anger, acceptance, and moving forward. But hey, when does it ever work like that?

In less than 2 years I have lost two people from my life, whom I just cannot seem to accept my life without. So today, tonight on that sofa, something dawned on me. In no way do I want to die, either now or any time soon, but I understand what she was saying. Realising how much I haven't been coping, I can see how the only thing able to make her truly happy would be to be reunited with him. Because right now I would give my entire world to have those two beautiful people back with me, and I can't see a time when my heart will ever be fully happy without them. Without trying to sound like a cliché, it's like each of them has taken a piece of my heart with them so it can never be full again, and I guess that's why I am having so much trouble moving my life forwards.

So today I write to you with a very heavy heart, but whilst I sleep my tears away, I hope today that all of your hearts are happy. I hope you're not in pain, and I hope that not only do your lips have the ability to smile truly, but that your heart does too.

As a very wise man once told me...

"Keep your chin up."

Courtney's Imagination★

Life is too short.

It hasn’t been on purpose that I haven’t posted on here in so long, I’ve just been so caught up in life and my own little world. I thought it was going so well but the past couple of years have been extremely rough, and I guess I have struggled on several occasions. I’m struggling today.

A little while ago I was reflecting on my life, and I realised that my headspace lately hasn’t been a good one. In all honesty I haven’t known how to fix it or make it positive, but tonight I remembered this. Tonight I remembered that this blog used to help me make sense of life, and of myself. I remembered that letting my feelings out here has helped me be positive, and has given me an output, and sometimes even a solution. And often it just seemed to be advice I was imparting on myself, which I could use right now.

So whilst I know that it’s okay not to be okay, it’s also obviously okay to be okay, too. And I want to be, I really do. But I don’t think I can honestly say that I am okay. I thought this year started off so well, yet in my mind today it seems like just another train wreck, waiting to spiral downward and destroy me.

I guess I still haven’t really let everything catch up with me. I mean, there is pain in my heart and in my mind every day, about things I don’t have the power to change. I feel pain because I have never been able to easily accept something. Acceptance has always been a big issue for me, and I think just as I have started getting my head around one thing, something else has happened and sent me back to the start. It’s like a domino effect, when one painful thing reminds me of the previous one, and that one reminds me of the one before, etc. Don’t get me wrong, there in many things in my life that I have accepted, It’s just that the past couple of years have been so eventful and made such a negative impact on me, I don’t think I’ve really had the chance to recover from it all.

It’s times like this that I wonder where my life is going. Three months ago I thought I had my dream job, was about to live abroad and be happier than ever. Three months down the line I am back home in England, wondering where I go from here. I know life isn’t supposed to be easy and that it probably wouldn’t be worth it if it was, but sometimes I wish I could catch a break.

I have to figure out my next steps, whether they are baby steps or giant leaps.

I have to remember how far I have come.

I have to move forward and try to fill my heart with love instead of pain.

This is a song that used to play a big part in my life, and today it’s my inspiration for writing this blog.

Because life is too short. Life is too short to keep everything bottled up inside you. Life is too short to not say your part. Life is too short to simply throw your life away when it gets tough.

Stand up and be proud of who you are.

Never give up on the things you want.

Follow your heart and chase your dreams.
Believe in yourself.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Today.

I started writing a blog post several days ago, and just deleted every single word of it. I read through it several times, and nothing about it felt right. It wasn’t from the heart. I was afraid that my heart would say too much, but now maybe that would be a good thing. So here I am, laid bare once again, with nothing but honesty.

Admittedly I’m a little out of practice with the whole opening up thing, but now there are things I won’t write for other reasons. I am keeping a tight lip on some things that have happened this year not only because they are not solely things about me, but also because some things are still very raw for me and I am simply not ready to make them public yet.

2013 and particularly the last few months have been incredibly difficult for me. I have found myself thinking and feeling things that I haven’t for years, and I have also found myself thinking and feeling a million new things. Every single one of them has been a challenge, but every single one of them has taught me a lesson.

Something I’ve realized about myself this year is that I have not been true to myself. Every time something has hurt me, I have taken a tiny step backward. Each tiny step has drawn me closer to fear, shame, hatred, and the inability to let go. At the beginning of 2013 I moved away from my family once again, for a job I loved. Whilst on my journey, I made a significant realization that I was not afraid. In comparison to every other move I have made for a job, this was a job role I had known the least about, that I had gained with the least paperwork and effort, and that I would have the most responsibility in. Yet for once in my life, my excitement outweighed my fear. Now as I look back at even last week, that girl is totally unrecognizable.

My heart has been so full of pain, confusion and anger, that I have lost myself. I have forgotten how to love and be proud of myself. I have forgotten how to let things go, and not hurt all the time. I have forgotten how to forgive the simplest mistakes. But most of all, somewhere along the line I forgot how to smile true happiness. I forgot how to be happy. I have taken so many steps backwards and it’s one of those things I never even realized I was doing, until I was right back there in my shell. It’s total deja vu for me, but I was so focussed on the pain and negativity surrounding me, that I lost sight of the beauty, strength and power I once saw in myself. It’s been quite a struggle to even open that shell I’ve been hiding in if I’m honest, let alone step out of it, but today I can say that I am ready. Today, I am ready to not be overwhelmed by pain, fear, and negativity. Today I am ready to learn, love, laugh, and most importantly I am ready to get out there and live my life. 

I am terrified of so many things, but I know that the easy option will never get me anywhere in life, let alone where I want to be. I know that to be proud of myself again, I need to stand up and fight through my obstacles to get myself back on track. After all, it’s not about how many times I fall down, it’s about how many times I pick myself up, dust myself off, and stand up tall, ready to carry on. I know that I am never alone, and I know that there is always somebody worse off than me. I know that I am loved by many and have an incredible support network of people willing to help me through anything and everything. However, I also know that I am too good at pushing people away, and too bad at accepting help, (and often admitting that I even need it). When I hurt as much as I have recently, it terrifies me to let people in, and be close to me. The ‘real me’ might be worn down right now, but I have learnt that I would rather let people see me like this and help me through, than to constantly battle with myself, be alone, and always pretend to be someone I am not.

Everybody has bad days and I’ve no doubt that I will have more, but I believe that for every bad day I get through, there is a brilliant day waiting for me somewhere along the track.

Here’s to stepping out from the darkness. Again.

Here’s to opening my heart. Again.

Here’s to learning to smiling with a heart full of happiness. Again.

Watch this space.
Courtney’s Imagination★