If you were to ask me to name everything that is wrong with my life right now, I would be able to reel off a list. Yet at the same time my heart would fill with guilt. At the end of the day I am truly lucky. I am alive. I have a wonderful mother and a wonderful roof over my head. I have most of my family still in my life. I have every meal I need, and whether I see it sometimes or not, my life is surrounded with people who love and care for me greatly. Whilst I know so many people out there are craving these things I take for granted, I often cannot help myself but to see only the negatives of my life.
I lost my best friend. I lost my stepfather, my 'real' father. I do not have a bond with my biological father. I barely even have a bond with my brother anymore. I never have luck with finding a wonderful and stable job, and I am always treated wrong by the opposite sex. I do not have perfect health and though I am currently well, it is always playing on my mind like I am simply waiting on the edge to fall ill. I feel alone and unloved more often than not lately, and being surrounded by people does not usually help.
Call me shallow, hell, call me whatever you want to call me, but I have to be honest with myself. I remember watching a video where a teacher filled a jar with golf balls, stones, sand, water, etc. Each item smaller than the last. Each item represented various aspects of life and though I do think I sound horrendously shallow to feel like the above parts of my life are terrible, they each fall into some of the most important aspects of life. Writing my 'issues' down on to black and white makes them feel so small, it makes me wonder how I can emotionally feel them so greatly. Life affects some people in different ways to others, and I am one of the people you could probably call a drama queen over it, though I do not act for attention or anything of the sort. I simply feel emotions deeper than most people, and the challenges of life often impact me more than I have witnessed them impact others around me. This is something that is incredibly difficult to live with, but I guess I would not be me without it. I so often have and give reactions before I can rationally think about them. By the time I have realised, I have usually screwed something up for myself.
I had my birthday less than a fortnight ago and in the run up to it, I genuinely had to ask myself how old I would be turning. Looking back at my life overwhelms me. I have been through some things I would never have imagined I'd go through before turning 23, yet I know people who have been through so much more. It kind of begs the question, what is this thing called life? It brings pain and heartache to so many people and some of them never get over it. Too many people lose their lives, and too many people have to fight through such difficult obstacles just to continue breathing and waking up every day. It brings the realisation once again of how lucky I am, to not have to physically struggle to breathe every week, day, hour, or second.
If you know me, I'd like you to do something for me. Every time you hear me dwell or see me frown, I'd like you to help me stop. I'd like you to remind me of something positive, because if I keep all these reminders, I can build on my positivity and beliefs and be me again.
Someday, one day soon I hope, I will be able to truly smile again.
Here's to learning who I am.
Here's to being that girl.
Courtney's Imagination★
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