Life is too short.

It hasn’t been on purpose that I haven’t posted on here in so long, I’ve just been so caught up in life and my own little world. I thought it was going so well but the past couple of years have been extremely rough, and I guess I have struggled on several occasions. I’m struggling today.

A little while ago I was reflecting on my life, and I realised that my headspace lately hasn’t been a good one. In all honesty I haven’t known how to fix it or make it positive, but tonight I remembered this. Tonight I remembered that this blog used to help me make sense of life, and of myself. I remembered that letting my feelings out here has helped me be positive, and has given me an output, and sometimes even a solution. And often it just seemed to be advice I was imparting on myself, which I could use right now.

So whilst I know that it’s okay not to be okay, it’s also obviously okay to be okay, too. And I want to be, I really do. But I don’t think I can honestly say that I am okay. I thought this year started off so well, yet in my mind today it seems like just another train wreck, waiting to spiral downward and destroy me.

I guess I still haven’t really let everything catch up with me. I mean, there is pain in my heart and in my mind every day, about things I don’t have the power to change. I feel pain because I have never been able to easily accept something. Acceptance has always been a big issue for me, and I think just as I have started getting my head around one thing, something else has happened and sent me back to the start. It’s like a domino effect, when one painful thing reminds me of the previous one, and that one reminds me of the one before, etc. Don’t get me wrong, there in many things in my life that I have accepted, It’s just that the past couple of years have been so eventful and made such a negative impact on me, I don’t think I’ve really had the chance to recover from it all.

It’s times like this that I wonder where my life is going. Three months ago I thought I had my dream job, was about to live abroad and be happier than ever. Three months down the line I am back home in England, wondering where I go from here. I know life isn’t supposed to be easy and that it probably wouldn’t be worth it if it was, but sometimes I wish I could catch a break.

I have to figure out my next steps, whether they are baby steps or giant leaps.

I have to remember how far I have come.

I have to move forward and try to fill my heart with love instead of pain.

This is a song that used to play a big part in my life, and today it’s my inspiration for writing this blog.

Because life is too short. Life is too short to keep everything bottled up inside you. Life is too short to not say your part. Life is too short to simply throw your life away when it gets tough.

Stand up and be proud of who you are.

Never give up on the things you want.

Follow your heart and chase your dreams.
Believe in yourself.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Because I was taught to say what I need...

I know I've posted about fear a few times already, but it's something that keeps arising because it's still in my life, so this post is gonna be a little bit about it too. I don't want people to think I'm not okay from this post, because I have never been better. I am merely practising honesty, and following the lyrics that taught me a wonderful lesson.

Have you ever been so scared of something, that all you wanna do is run from it?

For a long time now, I've been the girl that tries to take herself out of the bad situations. To myself, I've often felt like all I'm doing is running away or not facing up to it, but most times I know I done the thing that was right for me at the time. Today, I've found myself close to the point of wanting to run away again, but this time it's not from a bad situation.

The first time I managed to pull myself out of a massive rut and felt happiness, it felt wrong because it was different, and not something I had been used to. It scared me at first, but I liked it. Sometimes fear is good because it brings challenges and I like challenges because they always teach me something. Now though, my fear is for something good, but I'm struggling to want to face it. I'm struggling to want to trust.

There has never been a point in my life so far that I have felt as fulfilled as I do now, and that makes me care about myself a lot more than I have before. I have never had as much to lose, as I do these days. I have never been so at risk, for letting people into my life. In a weird way I am proud that I can say that, because my life is in such a great place right now.

Let's sum up the truth behind my fears, shall we?

I am not scared of loving, of trusting, of opening up.

I am scared of somebody no longer loving me, of somebody betraying my trust, and of letting somebody know everything about me, so they can use it against me, to hurt me.

I have been in those situations before. They're far from pretty, and I lost myself for a long time.

Maybe it's paranoia, maybe it's just me, or maybe it's natural. Whatever it is, it's a challenge I may shortly face.

All in all, I've said what I need, and I am still happy. Therefore, I shall end with a happy song...

I'm walking on sunshine...

Courtney's Imagination★

Do it with a heart wide open.

A few days ago, I made myself cry. Yes, I still overwhelm myself with my journey.

You may or may not know by now that throughout my life, I have always had a problem with physically speaking words that I want to say to people. Not just any words; I am more than capable of having pointless and random conversations with people, but when it comes to situations that have in the past, or still do mean something to me, I have always blanked.

I believe the root of that problem was bullying. Starting when I was in primary school and continuing for 7/8 years, I felt like I had a pretty rubbish childhood. Slowly but surely every ounce of my confidence disappeared and I became a girl I didn’t know, but that girl is who I found myself being for several, long years. I was so young and naive when it started though, that I didn’t really know it was wrong. I had no idea that being made to feel like I was living in hell was not normal, so I never spoke to people about it. For so long people never knew the full effect it had on me, most of the ones closest to me still don't, and I will honestly tell you now that I have no idea how on earth I have managed to keep so many secrets for so long.

Anyway. The reason I was brought to tears was because I realised something about myself, and an achievement I had subconsciously made. I had a conversation with somebody. A conversation, face to face, with spoken words, that I have never before managed to conquer in quite the same way. The most important part of this whole scenario was that I didn't even think about it until afterwards. I guess words really do move through our minds whilst we are unaware.

I don't remember if I've posted this song before or not, but it's so relevant right now that I'm going to post it anyway. These words mean the world to me, for so many different reasons.

Say what you need to say...

Courtney's Imagination★