"Keep your chin up."

The following post was written in August 2014 and I'm not sure why I never published it, but I'd like to share it now because it involves real and honest feelings...

I was sitting on the sofa tonight reflecting on some things that had been said, and I realised just how lost I am in my life. Most importantly today, I realised the extent in which I don't know how to deal with loss. I'm not going to go into my losses right now because I don't particularly wanna be crying endlessly at 5am, but I will try to explain myself a little.

A friend of a friend posted something on Facebook about a week ago, and my friend had 'liked' it which meant it came up on my news feed. (Apologies if you're unaware of Facebook terms, but basically it just means I could see what this girl had written.) She'd lost the love of her life several months before, and was writing to explain how she would never be happy again until either he came back, or she joined him. At the time of reading it, I couldn't really make sense of why someone would speak of wanting to die like that, so openly. People say that everyone grieves differently, but really, they are just words and we are all expected to grieve in the same ways. Heartache, denial, anger, acceptance, and moving forward. But hey, when does it ever work like that?

In less than 2 years I have lost two people from my life, whom I just cannot seem to accept my life without. So today, tonight on that sofa, something dawned on me. In no way do I want to die, either now or any time soon, but I understand what she was saying. Realising how much I haven't been coping, I can see how the only thing able to make her truly happy would be to be reunited with him. Because right now I would give my entire world to have those two beautiful people back with me, and I can't see a time when my heart will ever be fully happy without them. Without trying to sound like a cliché, it's like each of them has taken a piece of my heart with them so it can never be full again, and I guess that's why I am having so much trouble moving my life forwards.

So today I write to you with a very heavy heart, but whilst I sleep my tears away, I hope today that all of your hearts are happy. I hope you're not in pain, and I hope that not only do your lips have the ability to smile truly, but that your heart does too.

As a very wise man once told me...

"Keep your chin up."

Courtney's Imagination★