Never regret anything, because at one time, it was exactly what you wanted.

The sun may have taken a break where I am today, but whilst it was shining bright yesterday, it got me thinking. I know I’ve mentioned before about the changes I’ve made, but it’s when you have deja-vu moment, that’s when it really hits you.

I was walking down the street yesterday with the sun beaming down onto my skin, and I had one of those moments. I was wearing a dress and sandals, that’s it. No tights or leggings, no cardigan or jumper, just skin. A couple of years ago, that story would’ve been the opposite.

I remember being nagged to take off my hoodie so I wouldn’t overheat, and asked how on earth I could wear jeans in that heat. Truth be told I have no idea how I didn’t pass out that summer, but I guess it just wasn’t my priority. I remember always wanting to wear long trousers just because I felt like an idiot by wearing long sleeves and showing my legs. I had to wear the long sleeves of course, because if I hadn’t, my secrets would’ve been on show for the world to see.

It must’ve been the summer of 2008 in particular. It was the longest summer of my life; almost 3 months long, because it was the year I left school. It was the year I had the most cuts and scars. It was the year I was most ashamed of myself. It was the year that I had the most to hide. I had to wear those long sleeves to cover those cuts and scars.

So looking down at my arms yesterday with the sun-rays glaring straight onto my skin, I was proud. I am proud. Proud of who I am, and who I’ve been, because the past has made me who I am today. Most of my scars are now invisible to other’s eyes, but I can make them out because I know where they were. They’re the scars that show me how much life can change, how much people can change, and how amazing life can be.

Harming myself used to be an addiction and it used to put me at ease, because I hated myself so much and felt that I deserved punishment.
Now I am glad I’ve made mistakes in my life, because I love myself and I believe those who feel the greatest lows, also feel the greatest highs.

I would not change a single thing that has happened in my life.

Would you?

Change is possible. I am living proof.

No regrets. Life your life, live your dreams. Never lose hope.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Are you beautiful?

In England the sun is shining bright and the forecast is set to be good for the rest of the week, so that is just something else to add to my good mood! This is the first post I'm writing to you whilst sitting in the sun, and it is awesome! The sun is bright, the tunes are blasting, and even the birds are singing along! I'm not just gonna drone on about summer though, don't worry.

The further forward I get in life, the further behind I am leaving my past. Obviously it’s stuff I will never forget because it’s all made such an impact on the girl I am today, but I know that my past doesn’t effect my present or my future anymore. The reason I say that it doesn’t effect it anymore, rather than just saying it doesn’t effect it, is because that’s a choice I made. I made that choice to not turn memories into regrets and let them hold me back from living my life and moving forwards.

I’ve probably spoken about this in a post before at some point and I know it is such a common cliché, but life really is what we make it. I used to think I would never succeed and I would never get anywhere in life, but now I am finding myself so much further above those expectations. Any expectations we set ourselves whilst in a bad state of mind, we are bound to excel past when that state of mind changes. I’ve been in a bad place so many different times in my life, that it always became my belief that I wasn’t good enough. When we start to believe negative things about ourselves, we start to ruin ourselves profoundly. The question ‘Am I good enough?’ is something that’s haunted me for a long time, in any and every situation, and it came from believing negative things about myself. All those negative beliefs, came from negative comments of others.

I don’t believe those things now, and I think the people who have said them are simply jealous and/or just trying to make their insecurities feel smaller, but it did take me a long time and a lot of mistakes to get to the point that I make my own opinions and beliefs about myself.

How many of you have ever called somebody, anybody, a name? Maybe a homeless person, or an elderly person?
How many of you have been called a name that you didn’t like?

Chances are, most of you would put your hands up to both of those questions. I’ll openly admit that I would, too. This is something I’ve seen too, I mean, I didn’t realise at the time because I was too young and hurting too much, but the person who used to bully me was being bullied herself. I believe that this is often the case. But if we gave a thought before we opened our mouths, we could more than likely prevent a lot of pain.

It may be a beautiful day, but there are a lot of people in this world that are not beautiful on the inside. Make sure you’re not one of them, and think before you speak.

Take a second to think about what you should say to somebody, before you say it. Words can speak louder than you may ever realise. Words can hurt somebody more than you may ever realise.

If you make fun of somebody, what do you gain?
If you compliment somebody, what do you lose?

The answer to both of those is nothing, but you can impact somebody’s life, by either. Impact a life in a positive way, and you won’t regret it.

Be beautiful.

Stay beautiful.

Courtney’s Imagination★

I'm veggie and proud.

This is a post I’ve been wanting to write for a long time because it’s a question people often ask me, but there’s always been something else on my mind that I want to write. With this week being National Vegetarian Week, it’s the perfect time for me to get around to writing this!

I’m not going to write about why you shouldn’t eat meat or try to make you become a vegetarian and I’m not going to turn to gory details, this is simply a chance for me to share my personal reasons and promote this week. I know that what we eat is our own choice and noone else’s, just like the things we say and do, and that’s why I don’t agree with the people who try to force their values and beliefs onto other people.

I’ve been a vegetarian for almost 5 years, and as I meet new people and they become aware of this, they question it. I don’t think anybody really questions vegetarianism out of nosiness, I think it just makes people curious. It was an easy transition for me to lose meat from my life because it was something I didn’t eat much of anyway, but lack of it was not the reason I chose to cut it out completely. I made the choice during a time of my life where I felt weighed down by life I guess you could say, and it was one of the first things that made me realise I was my own person and I had the right to have control and make decisions for myself. That teenage era is tricky because there’s such a fine line between being a kid and being an adult, but I gave myself responsibility by choosing not to eat meat because I gave myself the choice.

The control factor of the decision helped me out a great deal because it taught me some things about growing up, but I wouldn’t have made the choice if it wasn’t something I didn’t want. I’d gotten to the point that eating meat disgusted me, and it wasn’t ‘just food‘ anymore. As we grow up, we become more aware of not only our surroundings, but also everything in life, and I became so much more aware of what I was eating. I guess I always knew what it was, but I never really looked into where it came from.

It’s kinda like trusting our the people in our lives, as we trust where our food comes from, but we never really see what goes on behind closed doors. I know plants are living things too, but they’re not quite on the same level as animals and there’s no such thing as ‘plant cruelty’. So when I choose to trust where my vegetables come from, they could be full of chemicals for all I know but it’s only me that would suffer. When I used to trust where my meat came from, it was always another living creature that would suffer and I hate that. Animals don’t have the opportunity to make the choice of whether they’re eaten or not, so I took my opportunity and chose not to eat them.

When people learn that I’m a vegetarian, they ask if I eat fish, and it’s something that really bugs me. I know there are a number of vegetarian sub-categories and I know in some countries the ‘names’ vary, but I hate when people say they’re one thing, and they’re another. 

I am a vegetarian. I don’t eat pork, beef, chicken, lamb, venison, fish, or any other animal. I don’t eat geletine or any other form of animal guts. I am nothing other than what I claim to be. I am veggie and proud.

I know so many people that have had a phase and chosen not to eat meat for a while then gone back to it, but I can honestly never see myself switching back. Even the thought of eating meat again makes me wanna vom.

Happy National Vegetarian Week!!

Courtney’s Imagination★

Time flies, when you're having fun...

Today instead of apologising for the lack of posts this month, I’m going to tell you the reason for it.

A couple of years ago I started writing a book. I was doing well and was pleased with the progress, but then something happened and somewhere along the line it was like I’d lost my pen. I mean, I hadn’t literally lost a pen, but I’d lost whatever it was inside me that was enabling me or motivating me to keep writing that story with so much heart. Several times I tried to bring back the focus, but it never felt right. So lately during one of the busiest times of my life to date, it’s ironic that I have also picked up that pen again. It’s not easy, but hey, the best things in life never are.

So whilst my time has been taken writing something else, it’s been difficult to find time to blog. When I start a writing session, I hate to stop it because I hate to pause and distract the focus. Everything I write has to feel right to me or I won’t be happy with it, and that’s the reason I don’t write short, meaningless posts every day just so I upload something. I write from the heart and I’m not going to sacrifice that.

Maybe one day in the future you will have something a little greater of mine to read, but for today, I shall take some time aside later to do a proper blog post for you guys.

This could help you pass the time...

Courtney’s Imagination★

I temporarily forgot how much I love this man.

I’ve been so crazily busy lately that I seemed to have forgotten how much I love the wonderful Mr. Ben Howard, but not any longer!

After just witnessing his BBC Radio 1 Live Lounge session, I have totally been reminded of how perfect he is.

Darling you're with me forever and always.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Following your heart leads to success.

A couple of weeks ago I posted about an important day for me and now that day has passed, I can happily say that it went well and was successful.

Belief in myself is something I've been known to lack before, but it has done me no favours. That day, I gave everything I done my heart and soul and despite running on little energy, I had passion for what I was doing and I had that belief. I believed I could do it, and I done it.

On the day, I'd taken an extra reminder with me that I knew would make me wanna give it my all. I'd taken something that used to remind me what I meant to people, but now it reminds me that I am better than all of the people who have treated me like dirt. My hope and optimism paid off, because despite a 22 hour day and most of the day traveling and waiting around, I got what I wanted and am one step closer to that big goal in my head.

I'm proving many people wrong in my tracks, and making many people proud. Whichever side you are on there, I'd like to thank you. The haters make me stronger, and the supporters catch me when I trip. So thankyou, wonderful (or hateful) people.

Never let your doubts hold you back, and you will go far.

Follow your heart, hold your head up high.

Courtney's Imagination★

It's just one of those days.

My weekend was amazing but also emotional and extremely tiring, and today I woke up in a 'Ughh it's just gonna be one of those days' mood. I'm so tired that I don't even have the mental capability of finishing a post I started a few days ago to the standard I'd like, so I'm just going to share a song with you.

Vulnerability is a bitch and a blessing all in one.

Courtney's Imagination★

It started with a rumour, ended with hug.

Not too long ago a friend of mine was cheated on by her boyfriend, and she's heartbroken and struggling. For a long time I've been the kind of person to think about life and feelings a lot throughout difficult situations, and having been in the same kind of situation to her and having reflected on it now from a positive mindset, I spoke to her about it to try and help her understand what she's feeling. Once again that time of my life is something I've never really opened up details about just because it was so personal. I know heartache is something most people don't like to talk about or remember, but I'm fine with it now and from seeing how much it has helped my friend today I decided to share it on here to hopefully help some of you guys, too.

I apologise if anything I've written is stereotypical or offensive to you, I am just writing from my experience and my point of view. I also apologise if this post brings bad memories or feelings for you, but most times if something still hurts us, it means we are not at peace with it. Often we need to be at peace with painful memories, so they don't come back as demons and haunt us.

Whenever somebody talks to me and I get the feeling they're not as okay as they've claimed, I try to help. By no means do I force somebody to talk to me because it's their own choice, but I try to help them because I hate the thought that somebody could be feeling things I've felt before. Today from the first word my friend spoke to me I knew that she wasn't okay. So the following is, as best as I could describe, my most recent experience of heartache.

Alice is my friend, but she's not one of my closest friends and because of that, she's not one of the people I have everyday contact with. The past few times we've spoken I got the feeling she wasn't okay but she didn't wanna talk about it so I didn't force it, but in all honesty, she seemed pretty messed up. I don't mean that harshly but it was like she'd been crushed, and all her energy had been drawn out of her and replaced with a constant dwelling. She was lost, which makes sense now I know the reason.

The last time I was in that situation was several months ago, but it was a relationship that, looking back, I shouldn't have been in. When that relationship broke down I realised how lost I had been, but I was hurting and had reached the point of not giving a damn about myself because it felt like he didn't. Don't get me wrong, I know that's ridiculous, but I was a mess during that relationship and that was how I'd let myself feel. The fact I would finish work and have a drink in my hand within 5 minutes just goes to show how unwilling I was to deal with the pain and problems back then. Turning to alcohol is something I absolutely don't recommend or condone under any circumstances, but for that month or so it helped me exist. It's weird but I wouldn't say I was living during that time purely because I wasn't enjoying life. It was difficult and I didn't know how so I didn't bother trying to figure it out.

I'd felt broken before, but that time it was on a whole other level because life had changed so much. I'd moved out of my mum's, was working and living with some awesome people, and was practically living with said boyfriend. But I wasn't being honest with myself. I'd always had issues with the way I looked, as most girls do, but after being diagnosed with a long-term illness and then living with a 2-digit number of girls to be compared to, my confidence was up and down more than a yo-yo. I never let myself get to grips with being myself and living and working as that happy, confident girl, before I threw myself into a relationship. I guess that was my way of trying to fit in easier, by lying to myself that I would feel like part of the team quicker if I was with somebody who'd already been there over a year. I think that's more than likely, and I will admit, I didn't want to be in that relationship at all and I fought against it for a whole month before I was charmed in. Not only had I been drawn into a relationship, but I had lulled myself into a false sense of happiness and security. When it ended I found myself in a whirlwind and continuous circle of emotions and thoughts. I didn't want to feel what I was feeling, hence finding that quick fix in alcohol to numb my feelings, just so I could smile and pretend. It's only natural after a break-up to want and need stability and happiness.

The transfer to single life can be a lonely one, especially if you were living together. It's cliche, but I guess it's like that situation of being alone in a crowded room. It's like you're unsure of everything. I didn't know how to feel, what to say, what to do, etc. You constantly wonder who you are, and begin to doubt all of the people that claim to love you, just because one person's love suddenly turned into a lie. When you love someone, you don't want it to stop. You crave the good times because they were so great, and during that, your memory paints over the bad times to trick you into denial. So when you look back at what's happened, it's like you see nothing but butterflies and daisies, which makes everything seem so much worse because you can't have it back.

I'm not gonna say that it's impossible to get through heartache on your own, but I'm sure it's much easier when you're surrounded by support. I had so many people around me to help me through and it still felt like hell. Just like everything in this world, it takes time. Time can heal so many things, if you're willing to be patient and let it. With that said though, you do need to be willing. I seemed to continuously go through stages of anger, denial, acceptance, loneliness, sadness, and confusion. As the days gradually went on I seemed to be finding out more and more that said boyfriend had said or done behind my back, and for a long time I found myself simply unable to understand. It was so uncomfortable to even think about, it all became just one of those things I wanted to leave at the back of my mind and forget forever. I didn't want to work through the hurt because I didn't want to remember it or try to understand it incase I uncovered more secrets.

As I've established I was pretty much just an emotional wreck in love, with alcohol flowing through my bloodstream. So when I thought things were changing and we were somehow growing closer again, I was naturally hopeful. When we were together he had become my quick fix to cheer up because he knew how to make me laugh and smile, so it was my instinct to want a quick fix to stop feeling rubbish, and at that point I didn't know what else would work. It turned out that my hopes ruined me, as it came to light that he was an emotional wreck too. We both had different views of what we wanted, and it didn't help us at all. In the times I felt like we were closer, I wanted it to continue, but in the end it just hurt me more because paranoia kicked in big-time. When you think you're so close to what you want, anything and everything becomes and threat to you because at that point, you're so ridiculously insecure, you just see anything as a threat that could mess up your fantasy. I can tell you now though, it is SO wrong to live in a fantasy.

Nothing in life should be rushed if it is to be successful, and this goes for getting over heartache too. If you're unwilling, or just hide away, you'll be hurting for a lot longer than if you face the problem.

'The best thing we can do through loss of love, is to find ourselves through it.' - Pat Monahan, Train.

Just for the record, said ex-boyfriend and I aren't on bad terms now, and I wouldn't change a single thing about my life, given the choice, because then I wouldn't be the girl I am today, and I love her.

It's not about fixing or forgetting, it's about moving forwards to bigger and better things.

Courtney's Imagination★

Define phobia...

I know, I know; I have posted repeatedly about fear and different aspects of it, but this one's a little different.

Often in life we can find that something which seems like a big thing to us, will seem like a tiny thing to the rest of the world. My theory for that, is because they're not feeling the same way as us about it, and they do not understand. It's okay for them to not understand, I mean, everybody's different so it's only natural. I've found that some things which fits this description, are phobias.

Again, I'll be totally honest here. Even for those of you who know me, you'll more than likely find that you've never spoken to me via a phone call. Reason being, they terrify me. I've always thought it sounds pathetic, and it probably is, but that's the way it is. I believe phobias in adolescence or adulthood can often be linked to something from our childhoods, but like anything, we can work on them if we want it enough. I think my phone call terror is emotionally and sub-consciously linked to the part of my life where I began to shut myself down to everybody and not speak to many of the people in my life, but I believe it's defeat-able.

Severity of phobias is different to everybody I guess because they're not all really comparable to one another, but I'd probably rate mine as a 7 out of 10. I mean, I was texting somebody a few nights ago and even when they mentioned the possibility of a phone call, my heart began beating out of my chest, but they're not totally an alien subject to me. At the same time though, even when I'm meeting up with someone, for example, and they're late or something, I'd often prefer to wait like an idiot, before I'd put myself through the panic of ringing them. Today I realised just hows sad it is that some people's phobias are so much worse and they're prevented from living their lives so much more than me. Phone calls can mostly be avoided without too much hassle, but some things can't.

If you have a phobia that's taking over your life, realising that it's a problem is your first step. Making the decision to change it or work through it, is the second. There are so many different ways and people that can help you work your way through it, or even just to help improve your ways of dealing with it.

So I didn't make that call a few nights ago, but when I picked up my phone and saw a missed call today, I called back. As I said, to most of you that will seem insignificant, but it shows me a lot about myself.

I'm thankful that I found it in myself to return that call today, because it could be the most important phone call of my life.

You never know how many opportunities you are missing, if you don't let yourself reach out for them.

You don't have to live in fear, but you do really have to want to change it, for you to be able to.

Don't let your phobias hold you down. Free yourself. Fight the odds. Make that phone call, or whatever. Go on, prove to yourself that you are capable.
Courtney's Imagination★

P.s. You won't know either way, but I'm sorry if I have missed your call before, because I was too busy panicking. Maybe if you ring me again someday, I will answer. Bear with me on this one folks.

Let's go fly a kite.

I have just finished watching Mary Poppins with one of the most wonderful people in my life. Mary Poppins was my all-time favourite film from my childhood and I think Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke do a fabulous job with their characters, so I totally love re-watching it. In fact, I love it so much that my brother bought me my very own Mary Poppins a few years ago. Hilarious, but brilliant!

With today being easter, it's a time most people spend with family and loved ones, but often the people who matter move towards the back of minds as people become obsessed with the amount of chocolate they receive, comparing and bragging on all their social networking sites.

As somebody who has taken her loved ones for granted much too often, I hope that you guys can realise what you have and make the most of the love surrounding you. People can be so lovely if you're lovely to them, and even if you don't appreciate them yet, the love and support you're given will get you through much more than chocolate will!!

Happy Easter, lovely people.

Enjoy it, and share your love with the ones who love you.

Courtney's Imagination★