Today.

I started writing a blog post several days ago, and just deleted every single word of it. I read through it several times, and nothing about it felt right. It wasn’t from the heart. I was afraid that my heart would say too much, but now maybe that would be a good thing. So here I am, laid bare once again, with nothing but honesty.

Admittedly I’m a little out of practice with the whole opening up thing, but now there are things I won’t write for other reasons. I am keeping a tight lip on some things that have happened this year not only because they are not solely things about me, but also because some things are still very raw for me and I am simply not ready to make them public yet.

2013 and particularly the last few months have been incredibly difficult for me. I have found myself thinking and feeling things that I haven’t for years, and I have also found myself thinking and feeling a million new things. Every single one of them has been a challenge, but every single one of them has taught me a lesson.

Something I’ve realized about myself this year is that I have not been true to myself. Every time something has hurt me, I have taken a tiny step backward. Each tiny step has drawn me closer to fear, shame, hatred, and the inability to let go. At the beginning of 2013 I moved away from my family once again, for a job I loved. Whilst on my journey, I made a significant realization that I was not afraid. In comparison to every other move I have made for a job, this was a job role I had known the least about, that I had gained with the least paperwork and effort, and that I would have the most responsibility in. Yet for once in my life, my excitement outweighed my fear. Now as I look back at even last week, that girl is totally unrecognizable.

My heart has been so full of pain, confusion and anger, that I have lost myself. I have forgotten how to love and be proud of myself. I have forgotten how to let things go, and not hurt all the time. I have forgotten how to forgive the simplest mistakes. But most of all, somewhere along the line I forgot how to smile true happiness. I forgot how to be happy. I have taken so many steps backwards and it’s one of those things I never even realized I was doing, until I was right back there in my shell. It’s total deja vu for me, but I was so focussed on the pain and negativity surrounding me, that I lost sight of the beauty, strength and power I once saw in myself. It’s been quite a struggle to even open that shell I’ve been hiding in if I’m honest, let alone step out of it, but today I can say that I am ready. Today, I am ready to not be overwhelmed by pain, fear, and negativity. Today I am ready to learn, love, laugh, and most importantly I am ready to get out there and live my life. 

I am terrified of so many things, but I know that the easy option will never get me anywhere in life, let alone where I want to be. I know that to be proud of myself again, I need to stand up and fight through my obstacles to get myself back on track. After all, it’s not about how many times I fall down, it’s about how many times I pick myself up, dust myself off, and stand up tall, ready to carry on. I know that I am never alone, and I know that there is always somebody worse off than me. I know that I am loved by many and have an incredible support network of people willing to help me through anything and everything. However, I also know that I am too good at pushing people away, and too bad at accepting help, (and often admitting that I even need it). When I hurt as much as I have recently, it terrifies me to let people in, and be close to me. The ‘real me’ might be worn down right now, but I have learnt that I would rather let people see me like this and help me through, than to constantly battle with myself, be alone, and always pretend to be someone I am not.

Everybody has bad days and I’ve no doubt that I will have more, but I believe that for every bad day I get through, there is a brilliant day waiting for me somewhere along the track.

Here’s to stepping out from the darkness. Again.

Here’s to opening my heart. Again.

Here’s to learning to smiling with a heart full of happiness. Again.

Watch this space.
Courtney’s Imagination★

I will never say goodbye.

The last posts I wrote a few months ago were solely based around my heartache of losing a dear friend of mine, and I’d just like to post an update on the progress of that. I’ve probably been through some of the toughest few months of my life, but thankfully I have been surrounded by some amazing people I recently met.

My flight out to Lapland was an extremely difficult task in itself, because it was the same date as what would’ve been her 21st birthday, and being on that flight meant that I knew, 110%, I would miss my chance to be at her funeral. It was heart-wrenching, to say the least. I met a lot of new people whilst I was away and some days they became the only reason I wanted to get out of bed. They kept me laughing and smiling and were genuinely always there for me. I could not have asked for more support.

Since missing the funeral I have constantly had the urge to fly to her town, and this coming weekend, my wish is coming true. In less than a week I will be on my way to see her family and a few other friends, and I will have made myself totally un-contactable from the rest of the world. Already my eyes are teary and my stomach continuously spins, but I know in my heart that I want and need to do this. At the same time however, it’s like admitting it’s all real. I’ve never had to admit that it has actually happened like this, because I haven’t yet been in the situation of seeing her family, etc, without her. My heart is a broken mess and I couldn’t even count the number of times I’ve told myself ‘It will all be okay’. But as painful as it is, life goes on. Life doesn’t stop just because I’ve lost a loved one, so I have to be strong.

I’m one of those people that will always say ‘See you later’ rather than ‘Goodbye’, so this weekend and forever, that belief will stand. I will never say goodbye to her because it isn’t time for goodbye. Goodbyes are for when you will never see people again, and I see her all the time. She’s in my memories, my mind, my photos, and most of all she is in my heart. She will always be in my heart.

I’ll see you soon, you beautiful girl. Have a drink up there for me.
Courtney’s Imagination★

I know you're somewhere out there.

♥

Courtney’s Imagination★

Have you ever loved and lost somebody?

As I mentioned in my previous post, I recently and tragically lost a wonderful friend of mine. So now, as I’m preparing to work in what is probably one of the happiest places on earth this winter, I’m faced with a dilemma. I have found myself stuck in an ultimate funk and I just don’t know how to pull myself together this time. I’ve learned the hard way before and discovered that brushing over what you’re feeling will never work, and it’ll come back to bite you several months later, twice as hard. Therefore I’m feeling very against the idea of waiting until I’m back home after Christmas, to address my grief.

I can’t quite pinpoint exactly what it is I’m feeling, because my emotions seem to be spinning through the cycle of loss. One minute I’m sad, the next I’m in shock, and the one after that I am in denial. I’m extremely lucky to have not been in the position of losing a loved one many times, but this is the worst so far. The problem I am facing this time is not that I am alone-because I know I have a wonderful support network of friends and family-but that I feel it. You see, this friend of mine was a childhood friend but she moved almost 500 miles away shortly after starting high-school. We kept in touch throughout and ironically grew to be closer friends than we ever were whilst living in the same town. She moved so long ago now, and gradually lost contact with most of if not all of her other friends here, and only came back in contact with them a year or so ago. Due to that, the news seems to have hit me the hardest of the people here, and none of them seem to understand why.

Everybody in her ‘new’ town and all her family have each other to lean on and get through this painful time together, because they’re all feeling the same. My issue throughout this process of emotions is that nobody in my support network had memories with her, and they’re not able to say that their lives were better for knowing her. It’s so difficult to have everybody tell me they’re sorry for the loss, but not have them able to remind me of something funny she done, or what she would say to me now, or even how brilliant her life was and all the things she achieved. It’s those little comforts of knowing that a lost loved one was part of your life, that get you through times like this. When you don’t have constant reminders, it’s harder to even acknowledge that it’s real and they’re gone, let alone work through grief and move forward.

Though my heart is a little broken at the moment, it’s not an excuse for me to give up. Most of all, because she wouldn’t want me to. I still believe that everything happens for a reason and that everything will be okay in the end, but sometimes before things can be okay we have to confront the challenges life throws us.

We all inherit tough things that we need to deal with, and we all are faced with loss throughout our lives. We all have our own ways of coping. Today my method has been to blog out the sadness and to remind myself of the greater stuff.

Whatever stage you’re at in life, I want you to take a minute and have a think. I want you to think about all of the things you’ve never said to people because “there’s always tomorrow”.

Tomorrow is never a guarantee. Tell people if you love them, be honest, be true to yourself, smile everyday, and follow your heart.

Life’s too short to hold grudges, have regrets, and tell lies. You never know what’s round the corner, and you never know when a life might shockingly end.

Live your life while you can, and live it to the full. Whether you need a headstone tomorrow, or in 20 years time, give them something to write on it. Give people something to remember you by.

Make yourself proud.

Courtney’s Imagination★