Life is too short.

It hasn’t been on purpose that I haven’t posted on here in so long, I’ve just been so caught up in life and my own little world. I thought it was going so well but the past couple of years have been extremely rough, and I guess I have struggled on several occasions. I’m struggling today.

A little while ago I was reflecting on my life, and I realised that my headspace lately hasn’t been a good one. In all honesty I haven’t known how to fix it or make it positive, but tonight I remembered this. Tonight I remembered that this blog used to help me make sense of life, and of myself. I remembered that letting my feelings out here has helped me be positive, and has given me an output, and sometimes even a solution. And often it just seemed to be advice I was imparting on myself, which I could use right now.

So whilst I know that it’s okay not to be okay, it’s also obviously okay to be okay, too. And I want to be, I really do. But I don’t think I can honestly say that I am okay. I thought this year started off so well, yet in my mind today it seems like just another train wreck, waiting to spiral downward and destroy me.

I guess I still haven’t really let everything catch up with me. I mean, there is pain in my heart and in my mind every day, about things I don’t have the power to change. I feel pain because I have never been able to easily accept something. Acceptance has always been a big issue for me, and I think just as I have started getting my head around one thing, something else has happened and sent me back to the start. It’s like a domino effect, when one painful thing reminds me of the previous one, and that one reminds me of the one before, etc. Don’t get me wrong, there in many things in my life that I have accepted, It’s just that the past couple of years have been so eventful and made such a negative impact on me, I don’t think I’ve really had the chance to recover from it all.

It’s times like this that I wonder where my life is going. Three months ago I thought I had my dream job, was about to live abroad and be happier than ever. Three months down the line I am back home in England, wondering where I go from here. I know life isn’t supposed to be easy and that it probably wouldn’t be worth it if it was, but sometimes I wish I could catch a break.

I have to figure out my next steps, whether they are baby steps or giant leaps.

I have to remember how far I have come.

I have to move forward and try to fill my heart with love instead of pain.

This is a song that used to play a big part in my life, and today it’s my inspiration for writing this blog.

Because life is too short. Life is too short to keep everything bottled up inside you. Life is too short to not say your part. Life is too short to simply throw your life away when it gets tough.

Stand up and be proud of who you are.

Never give up on the things you want.

Follow your heart and chase your dreams.
Believe in yourself.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Today.

I started writing a blog post several days ago, and just deleted every single word of it. I read through it several times, and nothing about it felt right. It wasn’t from the heart. I was afraid that my heart would say too much, but now maybe that would be a good thing. So here I am, laid bare once again, with nothing but honesty.

Admittedly I’m a little out of practice with the whole opening up thing, but now there are things I won’t write for other reasons. I am keeping a tight lip on some things that have happened this year not only because they are not solely things about me, but also because some things are still very raw for me and I am simply not ready to make them public yet.

2013 and particularly the last few months have been incredibly difficult for me. I have found myself thinking and feeling things that I haven’t for years, and I have also found myself thinking and feeling a million new things. Every single one of them has been a challenge, but every single one of them has taught me a lesson.

Something I’ve realized about myself this year is that I have not been true to myself. Every time something has hurt me, I have taken a tiny step backward. Each tiny step has drawn me closer to fear, shame, hatred, and the inability to let go. At the beginning of 2013 I moved away from my family once again, for a job I loved. Whilst on my journey, I made a significant realization that I was not afraid. In comparison to every other move I have made for a job, this was a job role I had known the least about, that I had gained with the least paperwork and effort, and that I would have the most responsibility in. Yet for once in my life, my excitement outweighed my fear. Now as I look back at even last week, that girl is totally unrecognizable.

My heart has been so full of pain, confusion and anger, that I have lost myself. I have forgotten how to love and be proud of myself. I have forgotten how to let things go, and not hurt all the time. I have forgotten how to forgive the simplest mistakes. But most of all, somewhere along the line I forgot how to smile true happiness. I forgot how to be happy. I have taken so many steps backwards and it’s one of those things I never even realized I was doing, until I was right back there in my shell. It’s total deja vu for me, but I was so focussed on the pain and negativity surrounding me, that I lost sight of the beauty, strength and power I once saw in myself. It’s been quite a struggle to even open that shell I’ve been hiding in if I’m honest, let alone step out of it, but today I can say that I am ready. Today, I am ready to not be overwhelmed by pain, fear, and negativity. Today I am ready to learn, love, laugh, and most importantly I am ready to get out there and live my life. 

I am terrified of so many things, but I know that the easy option will never get me anywhere in life, let alone where I want to be. I know that to be proud of myself again, I need to stand up and fight through my obstacles to get myself back on track. After all, it’s not about how many times I fall down, it’s about how many times I pick myself up, dust myself off, and stand up tall, ready to carry on. I know that I am never alone, and I know that there is always somebody worse off than me. I know that I am loved by many and have an incredible support network of people willing to help me through anything and everything. However, I also know that I am too good at pushing people away, and too bad at accepting help, (and often admitting that I even need it). When I hurt as much as I have recently, it terrifies me to let people in, and be close to me. The ‘real me’ might be worn down right now, but I have learnt that I would rather let people see me like this and help me through, than to constantly battle with myself, be alone, and always pretend to be someone I am not.

Everybody has bad days and I’ve no doubt that I will have more, but I believe that for every bad day I get through, there is a brilliant day waiting for me somewhere along the track.

Here’s to stepping out from the darkness. Again.

Here’s to opening my heart. Again.

Here’s to learning to smiling with a heart full of happiness. Again.

Watch this space.
Courtney’s Imagination★

Courage is a beauty.

I was reading through someone's blog tonight because I can't sleep, and it really just made me wanna write something. I didn't even get through the whole blog before opening another tab and beginning to ramble this, feeling an urgency to write with honesty whilst I can. So from the part that I did read, it was a post about a girl hiding her depression and anxiety from her boyfriend, and how he found her tablets in the glovebox of her car. Then I stopped.

I've said before that in the majority of previous relationships I haven't been at peace with myself or my life, and I've wondered in the past how anybody could love me if I didn't love myself, but tonight I think the extent of those things has really hit me. Because yes, my journey does still overwhelm me, and there will probably never be at least a tiny part of it that will fail to do so.

The beginning of that blog sent a shiver down my spine because it reminded me of a time when I've been in a similar situation. There was a time with an ex where he hadn't known how I'd been feeling, but he discovered, when his hand took a second touch over my arm under the duvet, (like a double glance, with a different sensor), and my heart sunk. I have no idea how I'd kept it from him, but a week or so before, I had got to such a point of emptiness, or hatred, or something, that after so long, I had cut. I hadn't wanted him to know. I hadn't wanted anyone to know. I didn't want them to see myself in the same light as I saw myself. I don't think I answered him when he asked 'What's that?', but he didn't persist. He knew anyway, and I knew he did. It's never happened since that moment because I've never let myself get to that point of hatred and have become a better person, but that night, I realised a lot of things, and felt many different emotions. To this day, he's never mentioned it again.

That's where I've gone wrong in life before, hiding away and not talking about the things I should have. So I guess that's why I'm writing this, so no demons can haunt me over this memory, and so I can practice my true honesty. I never realise things at the time they happen, but that moment I've been reminded of tonight truly shows me how I felt about myself then, and how I feel about myself now. Feel privileged, folks; my state of past is not something I have ever really talked about to such detail, to public.

This is kinda one of those 'heart and soul blogs' because it's a topic that I've hidden for so long, even though it's in the past. It's a topic that links to some of the worst times in my life, and that holds a lot of emotion for me. It's another reason that I overwhelm myself, because of all the changes I have already made, and the ones I am continuing to make.

Embrace your journey. Never give up.

Courtney's Imagination★

Roll on, 21st April.

As much as I hate to say this, I'll be honest and admit it... I am a hypocrite.

Whenever I am asked to help somebody, one of my main pieces of advice is to not put so much pressure on themselves. Now at a time when I could do with following my own advice, I'm somehow unable.

In less than 3 weeks I will find myself at the most important day of my life to date, the day that could shape my future, and a day that means the world to me. I have a choice to make before this day, and I'm finding myself constantly stressed and unable to choose, because of the pressure I am putting on myself. Right now I have the power to shape the way this day could go, I have the power to be the best that I can be to be sure that I don't make mistakes, and it's so important to me that it's all I wanna focus on. It has to be right.

Fingers crossed...

Courtney's Imagination★