Three years ago today, is a day that I had my world turned upside down. I had the news that I was ill. Though, after spending the past month or so barely able to eat, constantly tired to the point of falling asleep in English lessons, and throwing up, that wasn’t news at all. I knew I was ill. What I hadn’t expected to be told however, is that I would probably be ill for the rest of my life.
After spending the past week in hospital undergoing tests and receiving hopeless news every day, part of me was relieved that I could finally get better. That was the part of me that didn’t understand what I had been told. The fact I could’ve been on medication for the rest of my life, was besides the point. I was so ill that I was a little delirious, and most certainly very naive. When you’re in hospital for so long every magazine looks the same, every DS console game has been completed, and sleep is an impossible chore. I was left with nothing to do except think. It began to sink in, and despite the fact I should’ve been glad it weren’t worse, all I had going through my head were the bad parts, the horror stories. I am so blessed, that my story did not turn out to be one of horror.
I spent 3 weeks in hospital and another 2 at home in bed, though it wasn’t my own because I couldn’t climb the stairs. I wasn’t strong enough, and I had become so much more dependent whilst being in hospital. I was mad at the world, if I’m honest. For so long I had kept so much of my life private and independent, that it made me feel useless and angry. I had become the girl I never thought I would have to be again, and I hated it. I hated myself, because I blamed myself.
That time of my life is something that me and my friends can talk freely about and have done so many times, but it takes more courage for me to speak about myself. When it comes to self confidence, I have always been the girl to hide away and hope that I don’t have to face my fears. Being told there was something wrong with my body, the one thing I hated most about myself, made me fall further than I could’ve ever imagined. Unfortunately, it didn’t stop there. The more time that passed since being discharged from hospital, the more hair I lost. I never became completely bald, but it was seriously noticeable, and just another thing to get me down. Apparently it was an effect of my body trying to heal, but seeing as I was obsessed with what people thought, it made me want to hide from the world even more. Was it really so wrong that my 16 year old self thought that the world may as well end?
Sitting here 3 years on, my current state overwhelms me. I have spent just over a year off all medication, have gained full independence and spent the past year living away from home. I have achieved so much, both physically and emotionally. I have so much I want to do with my life, and feel more positive and confident than I would’ve ever imagined myself to be, at this moment in time.
I will never be discharged as an outpatient and in the back of my mind I will always worry.
I am more prone to cancer and often have to think about the things I should or shouldn’t eat.
My stomach will always have the ability to rot itself.
I will always have the ability, if I choose, to not let it affect my life.
I am here alive and well, confident and courageous, telling my story.
Never let the things life unexpectedly throws at you, hold you back. I have dreams, ambition, positivity, and an amazingly bright future ahead of me. So what if I would’ve had to take tablets every day to help myself live? At least I have my life, and am loved. At least I love myself.
If you’re reading this, consider yourself privileged. This is a topic that I have never found myself talking so openly about, even to my best friends, or boyfriend.
I couldn’t love myself more for this.
Courtney’s Imagination★
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