The last posts I wrote a few months ago were solely based around my heartache of losing a dear friend of mine, and I’d just like to post an update on the progress of that. I’ve probably been through some of the toughest few months of my life, but thankfully I have been surrounded by some amazing people I recently met.
My flight out to Lapland was an extremely difficult task in itself, because it was the same date as what would’ve been her 21st birthday, and being on that flight meant that I knew, 110%, I would miss my chance to be at her funeral. It was heart-wrenching, to say the least. I met a lot of new people whilst I was away and some days they became the only reason I wanted to get out of bed. They kept me laughing and smiling and were genuinely always there for me. I could not have asked for more support.
Since missing the funeral I have constantly had the urge to fly to her town, and this coming weekend, my wish is coming true. In less than a week I will be on my way to see her family and a few other friends, and I will have made myself totally un-contactable from the rest of the world. Already my eyes are teary and my stomach continuously spins, but I know in my heart that I want and need to do this. At the same time however, it’s like admitting it’s all real. I’ve never had to admit that it has actually happened like this, because I haven’t yet been in the situation of seeing her family, etc, without her. My heart is a broken mess and I couldn’t even count the number of times I’ve told myself ‘It will all be okay’. But as painful as it is, life goes on. Life doesn’t stop just because I’ve lost a loved one, so I have to be strong.
I’m one of those people that will always say ‘See you later’ rather than ‘Goodbye’, so this weekend and forever, that belief will stand. I will never say goodbye to her because it isn’t time for goodbye. Goodbyes are for when you will never see people again, and I see her all the time. She’s in my memories, my mind, my photos, and most of all she is in my heart. She will always be in my heart.
I’ll see you soon, you beautiful girl. Have a drink up there for me. Courtney’s Imagination★
Firstly on here, I’d like to apologise for not posting in so long. I know I’ve written these apologies a fair few times now, but I just wanted to say that I am genuinely sorry about my lack of time. I have recently returned from spending the Christmas/Winter season working in Lapland on the Finnish/Swedish border, and had a distinct lack of WiFi. Whilst Im on the subject, I’d also like to thank you all. To sign in a minute ago and see that my blog has still had hundreds of views despite the lack of posts, is simply phenomenal.
As a note of thanks and sorry, I will share with you some beautiful sights from my travels...
As I mentioned in my previous post, I recently and tragically lost a wonderful friend of mine. So now, as I’m preparing to work in what is probably one of the happiest places on earth this winter, I’m faced with a dilemma. I have found myself stuck in an ultimate funk and I just don’t know how to pull myself together this time. I’ve learned the hard way before and discovered that brushing over what you’re feeling will never work, and it’ll come back to bite you several months later, twice as hard. Therefore I’m feeling very against the idea of waiting until I’m back home after Christmas, to address my grief.
I can’t quite pinpoint exactly what it is I’m feeling, because my emotions seem to be spinning through the cycle of loss. One minute I’m sad, the next I’m in shock, and the one after that I am in denial. I’m extremely lucky to have not been in the position of losing a loved one many times, but this is the worst so far. The problem I am facing this time is not that I am alone-because I know I have a wonderful support network of friends and family-but that I feel it. You see, this friend of mine was a childhood friend but she moved almost 500 miles away shortly after starting high-school. We kept in touch throughout and ironically grew to be closer friends than we ever were whilst living in the same town. She moved so long ago now, and gradually lost contact with most of if not all of her other friends here, and only came back in contact with them a year or so ago. Due to that, the news seems to have hit me the hardest of the people here, and none of them seem to understand why.
Everybody in her ‘new’ town and all her family have each other to lean on and get through this painful time together, because they’re all feeling the same. My issue throughout this process of emotions is that nobody in my support network had memories with her, and they’re not able to say that their lives were better for knowing her. It’s so difficult to have everybody tell me they’re sorry for the loss, but not have them able to remind me of something funny she done, or what she would say to me now, or even how brilliant her life was and all the things she achieved. It’s those little comforts of knowing that a lost loved one was part of your life, that get you through times like this. When you don’t have constant reminders, it’s harder to even acknowledge that it’s real and they’re gone, let alone work through grief and move forward.
Though my heart is a little broken at the moment, it’s not an excuse for me to give up. Most of all, because she wouldn’t want me to. I still believe that everything happens for a reason and that everything will be okay in the end, but sometimes before things can be okay we have to confront the challenges life throws us.
We all inherit tough things that we need to deal with, and we all are faced with loss throughout our lives. We all have our own ways of coping. Today my method has been to blog out the sadness and to remind myself of the greater stuff.
Whatever stage you’re at in life, I want you to take a minute and have a think. I want you to think about all of the things you’ve never said to people because “there’s always tomorrow”.
Tomorrow is never a guarantee. Tell people if you love them, be honest, be true to yourself, smile everyday, and follow your heart.
Life’s too short to hold grudges, have regrets, and tell lies. You never know what’s round the corner, and you never know when a life might shockingly end.
Live your life while you can, and live it to the full. Whether you need a headstone tomorrow, or in 20 years time, give them something to write on it. Give people something to remember you by.
Last night I discovered that a friend of mine was killed in a hit and run incident. It's like one of those situations you always hear about in the news, but you never think it would be somebody you know. I’ve been trying to find the words to write something to her or about her but I am simply speechless. Therefore, I’m just going to post a trailer for her.
It’s recently really come to my attention that suicide is another of those extreme and taboo conversation topics. I guess it’s a bit like everybody walking on eggshells. People don’t talk about it, but you never know what’s going on behind closed doors, or how many people from that crowded room have attempted, will attempt it, or have lost a loved one. I don’t know exact statistics, but I know that suicide and attempted suicide happens a lot more often than people realise, and a lot more often than people would like to admit. Society always seems to throw shame and hatred at any attempts and I really hate that because it’s another one of those things that people don’t understand. There seems to be such little awareness that the majority of society becomes a bully, the second something is mentioned on the news. Most of the attempts or fatalities mentioned on the news or spread on social media never give the person behind it a chance to get their story across either because they’re too afraid of the hate they’ll receive or because they were successful in their attempt, so I’d like to share mine. I’d like to share one particular attempt I made a few years ago, in the hope that I can open up even one more mind.
I think the biggest question surrounding suicide is ‘Why?’ but the truth is, it differs for everybody. No two people in this world live the exact same life with the exact same life events and challenges, feeling the exact same emotions about it all. Therefore, there probably isn’t a simple answer as to why one single person in this world would want to end their life. I know that family and friends of a lost loved one often say that their act was nothing but selfish, but actually, I think that’s a comment from themselves being selfish and only thinking about how they feel now their sister, son, friend or cousin, is gone. I know there will be many people who disagree with me on that one, but I stand by my beliefs. Sure it hurts to lose somebody, but you have to be in a dark, dark, painful place to make the decision that you don’t want to live anymore.
Despite having been there myself, one of the hardest times of my life was trying to convince somebody I loved, that their life was worth living. I’ve been on both sides of a suicide attempt and neither are easy, but I can honestly say that living to tell the story and living to hear the story be told, is one of the best things you can feel.
As you know I try to be 110% honest here so I won’t leave anything out, but I will say, please don’t read this if you think it could be a trigger for you. I’m in a wonderful place in my life now and I would not be writing this is there was even a smidgeon of doubt in my mind that this would make me relapse in any way.
There’s one particular attempt of mine that I remember like it was yesterday. I wasn’t old enough to buy myself tablets so I’d spent the past few weeks getting them. Whenever I’d be left in the house alone I would go searching for more, and I hid them until that day. I must’ve had at least 40. I’d planned it all, I knew what I was doing and it was a day I’d been waiting for. I’d been in that dark place for so long and I didn’t see a way out. I was so ridiculously depressed and ashamed of myself and I felt so hated by everybody, that I didn’t even feeling like I was living anymore, I was just existing and acting. I felt like I had nothing, and like I was nothing. I honestly didn’t think I’d be missed at all. I thought that I was nothing but a burden to my friends because all I ever had to say was something referring to how bad I felt. I thought I was useless to my family because I was constantly moaned and shouted at, and I was the centre of so many arguments. I thought I could just die and my existence would disappear, so that everybody could be happy and live their lives.
It was somehow like I would feel so angry and sad and emotional, but at the same time I would just be blank and numb. I had so many self destructive ‘phases’ whilst I waited to have enough pills. I had such a hate campaign against myself because I had joined the bullies in the harsh things they said about me. Nobody could’ve said a worse thing about me than myself by that point though. I’d reached the stage that I honestly didn’t care about myself because I didn’t see a point to it. I’d planned to die anyway, so there was no need to waste the little energy I had in caring about things I did or said. I should’ve been hit by moving traffic, so many times.
Getting to ‘that day’, I remember sitting on my bed with tears pouring down my face. In those moments before swallowing I felt more alive than I had over probably that past whole year. I felt excited that I wouldn’t have to hurt anymore. I felt relieved that I wouldn’t have to face the bullies anymore. I felt free, in the knowledge that I could soon be at peace.
I cut myself first, because I felt like I had to let go of everything before I died. Dragging the blade through my skin again and again, I could let go of all the pain I felt because it wouldn’t exist before long. I pushed out all of the tablets from the plastic, one by one, letting them fall into a pile in front of me. I hadn’t felt the need to write a note, because I just didn’t have anything to say to anybody anymore.
I picked up a glass of water in one hand, and picked up 4 tablets in the other. I took some water in my mouth, before tipping my head back, dropping the pills in, and swallowing. I knew I’d taken the first step. I was so close to a world without pain. Again I sipped some water into my mouth, dropped more pills in, and swallowed. I was bad with tablets at the best of times, but with the result I thought this would bring me, I persevered. I remember being about halfway through and I felt so sick, but I knew I had to keep going. When there were 3 tablets left in front of me, I took them one by one. I wondered how long it’d take me to die, and I wondered what it would be like. I wondered if I’d feel anything before, or if I’d partially wake and know it was happening, or if my body would just shut down whilst I slept. I had no idea. I picked up all the empty tablet sheets and put them in the draw beside my blades. ‘I don’t need to hide them, they’ll find everything anyway’ I thought. Then I curled up in my bed, pulled the duvet over me, and let my eyelids fall shut. That was it, I had given up on myself and the world, and I had taken my necessary actions to let myself die. The world could finally be a wonderful place, and I could finally slip away from it.
So there you have it, suicide through the eyes of somebody living to tell their story. It’s not all black and white like the media make it out to be, and there will always be a story behind it. I'm sure if you've ready some of my previous posts, you'll know some of the factors that lead to my depression.
I’m grateful that I never died, and my scars, stories and memories are just proof of how strong I am to overcome ‘the dark side’ and to pick myself up from the gutter after trying to give up.
Looks can be deceiving. It’s astounding how easily people can hide their true feelings for so long. If you can save even one life, do it. Nobody deserves to hurt but sometimes people get things they don’t deserve.
Life is such a precious thing, please don’t give yours up.
Today has been a pretty exhausting day at work, but it was so rewarding that I don’t care. My job helps me make a difference to people’s lives, and that is all I ever want to do; make a difference.
Put your hand up if you think you’ve impacted somebody else’s life, throughout your lifetime?
Truth is, probably all of you have.
Put your hand up if you’ve ever smiled at a stranger in the street for no reason?
You don’t know them, or their circumstances. You don’t know how their day has gone, how content they are in life, or if they have many family and friends around them.
Truth is, you have probably brightened many peoples’ days.
When you’re young your parents tell you not to speak to strangers, but as you grow up, communication with them somehow becomes more acceptable. You become more aware of the world and of the dangers in your life. Gradually you also become more aware of the fact you don’t need a reason to show emotion.
Smiling at somebody in the street or in a shop is a gesture that silently speaks a million words.
Make a difference. Smile at the next person you see.
Okay, now put your hand up if YOUR future scares you.
I can almost guarantee that my hand was up first for both of those questions, because I can safely say; I am terrified.
I am scared of whether or not I’ll succeed.
I am scared of whether or not I’ll be happy.
I am scared of the places I’ll go, and the things I’ll see, and the people I’ll meet.
I guess you could say I am scared of myself.
I think I’ve mentioned fear quite often here before in negative ways, but this fear is different. It’s unique, and like nothing else I’ve ever been scared of. Fear is something we often class as a bad emotion to be feeling, but I think it’s good too, and pretty exciting.
There are many things in life that will petrify us, but that doesn’t mean we should hold back and live sheltered lives. A very wise man once asked me if I thought that he shouldn’t go through the bad things in his life just because it was difficult. I said that I didn’t think that, and he replied with the following;
“Something good comes out of every situation, and now I'm the happiest I've ever been.”
That’s been a phrase I’ve repeated many times, and it has taken me far. There came a time in my life where that same man had once said the following to me;
“5 months ago you were failing. I thought you had no hope in hell.”
With that said, it obviously now gives me extreme pleasure to be called a success by him. Sure, I’ve screwed up many parts of my life, but it’s not the falling down that matters in life, it’s the getting back up that gets us through life.
4 years ago when my heart took in those words of having ‘no hope in hell’, I was in a very bad place in my life. If you’ve read previous posts then you may know something about that, but for now, let’s just say that my head was the definition of a train-wreck. To now hear that somebody from my life back then is proud of me for my achievements and where I am today, I’m feeling pretty much ‘over the moon’. Back then though, today was the future to me. Today was a day I was petrified of. Today was a day I weren’t even sure I would get to see. Most things in life turn out differently to how we expect them to or how we plan them to, but not always in a negative way. Those differences can be so, SO good for us.
The sky is not your limit, there are footprints on the moon...
Courtney’s Imagination★
My heart is still so full of anger and frustration. I guess this is just one of those times in which I need time to come to terms with this and let the negative emotions pass, but I hope whoever you are, wherever you are, that your heart is full of love and happiness.
This isn't easy, but life’s not easy. Only time can heal this right now.
