I love you and I wish more than anything I could say that to your face. I miss you and it certainly hasn't got any easier, but I will always remember the memories we have. The most predominant of all being in those last days when I got to share those special moments with you, and the smile on your face as I would beam at you to reassure you that you weren't alone.
I think about you a lot. I am thankful for all the great times we shared, but I am young, I can't help but think about how much of my life you will miss. Who will walk me down the aisle and beam at me like you did? Who will assess which boys are good enough for me and be angry when I get hurt? Who will teach my children bad habits and spoil them rotten on special sleepovers? I know you're always in my heart and often around here messing with my stuff, but it's not the same.
You were my replacement for a shoddy dad who doesn't even deserve that title, but no one could ever replace you. I remember when I was little at all those football matches, how I always wished you had been my dad, and how I wished you could be anyway. I guess wishes really do come true.
The title of this post is a line from a song on an album I have been playing all day long today, and it's really struck a chord with me. It rings so true, because so many of us never realise what we have or what we could have, until the moment is gone and it's too late.
I always used to think I could always get what I want. I always had so much determination to get it, I always used to think I had so much power. Truth is, I don't always get what I want. I mean sure, I can work my arse off for it, I can try my best and give everything I've got, but at the end of the day, we don't always get what we want. That's life.
I used to think that if I stopped believing in myself, if I stopped believing I could have anything I wanted, it would be like letting myself down. But I guess it's not, because all I can do is try my hardest and hold on to hope. I don't always get what I want. Hell, I don't even always get what I deserve. Most of the time I don't know why and I've blamed other people, but if something is wrong in my life then I am the only one at fault. I am the only one who can control my life, who can change my life, and who can 'fix' my life. Hey, maybe I do have all the power after all.
Growing up, you start to realise how much your life feels like a lie. You begin to be old enough to know truths and gain responsibilities. You start to see how much power you have over your life. But that's just it, because your life is the only one you have power over. You cannot control someone else's thoughts, feelings, or their life. You cannot change the past, and you cannot change reality. When it comes down to it, all you can do is make a future. So that's what I'm here to do. I'm here to take back control of my life, to be in charge and really make something of myself. I'm here to make a difference and let all of you wonderful people share my journey with me.
I have to be brutally honest here because I feel like my life kind of depends on it lately. I can't have anything to hide anymore, I have to be that better person I mentioned yesterday. I have to be honest and teach myself some differences between right and wrong. It's nothing I do on purpose, but I find that I sometimes struggle to see where the line is between the two.
You see, sometimes I find myself playing games, and they are not games of the good kind. I play games with myself, in my head, and I play games with other people. Now, I don't want to come across on the wrong tracks here. At the time, I have blinkers on and I do not see that what I am doing is wrong, or may hurt someone, (most often myself, don't worry). But do you ever get those times when you realise something, the second it's too late? I get that a lot. I don't mean to make regrets for myself, but there are many times when I have regret something I have done or said. I am often guilty of following through with irrational and spontaneous ideas, and in the end they leave me in a worse place than I was before. So for the best interests of myself and everyone around me, I'm going to try my best to think before my words or actions cause any more hurt. After all, my best is all I can give.
Boy am I putting myself on the line here. It is absolutely terrifying yet so weirdly satisfying. I don't think I've ever been this honest with myself, only 'admitting' things like this in my head and brushing them off. That's no life for myself.
I'm only human. I hurt people. I make mistakes. I do things wrong. I get lost. I forget things. I have flaws.
In some of my worst times recently, I've found myself in a position with no one to talk to and no one to support me. Whether that's because they have been too busy, not picked up, or replied too late, I have found myself in these horrible situations. My losses are something that have played on my mind a lot lately, and they are still the things I think I struggle most with. Having to be there for myself has been extremely difficult so I have often turned to music and simply hoped that I can find the answers in the lyrics.
Today I'd like to share a song I recently remembered which speaks so many truths for me.
I saw somebody else's blog post today with the title 'Written on a good day', and it dawned on me that my day had been relatively okay today. Yeah that's right, for the first time in a long time, I actually felt positive about something, and realised it. It's a surprisingly nice feeling, a feeling I'd forgotten about.
I done something yesterday that I should have done a long time ago. Another first time in a long time, I actually stood up for myself and I done so with a rational head on my shoulders. Travelling and living in different places for years has left me with a very complicated base to come back to between each adventure. When I last returned, I decided to stay for a while. I had no idea how long I would stay or what I would do, but it felt like the right time, to spend some time at home. It didn't feel like home anymore, and that needed correcting.
There have been so many times when I've run away from a bad place or a bad situation, I've probably mentioned it a few times before. It's funny, now it bugs the pants off me when other people run from things. Learning to be a better person means I can't run anymore. I mean, physically I could do whatever I want, but morally it's not right and it makes my life so much more complicated. More complicated is something I definitely do not need! So here I am sticking it out in a place called home, trying to 'fix' all the problems that come with it. Sure there are some things that can't be 'fixed', but I guess they will help me with that ol' acceptance issue of mine.
So, after 9 months of being here, I'd like to take a moment to welcome myself home. I don't know what the future holds for me, or where it will take place, or who will be in it. But what I do know, is that I'm on a great path once again, ready to build a wonderful life again.
Please forgive me if I come across as a hypocrite here, but I'm afraid I do not remember many of the things I have written. I have lost my way a lot since November 2011, struggled to pick myself back up since October 2012, and life has been a great big spiral for me since August 2013. I'd like to think I'm the wonderful girl who has written so many of these honest and heart warming blog posts, but in truth, I'm not sure who I am anymore. I'd like to think that I can somehow reconnect with myself by writing here again and reading some posts 'from the past', so please bear with me if I do not make sense or if I say something that goes against any of my previous beliefs. None of it is on purpose or to be hurtful.
If you were to ask me to name everything that is wrong with my life right now, I would be able to reel off a list. Yet at the same time my heart would fill with guilt. At the end of the day I am truly lucky. I am alive. I have a wonderful mother and a wonderful roof over my head. I have most of my family still in my life. I have every meal I need, and whether I see it sometimes or not, my life is surrounded with people who love and care for me greatly. Whilst I know so many people out there are craving these things I take for granted, I often cannot help myself but to see only the negatives of my life.
I lost my best friend. I lost my stepfather, my 'real' father. I do not have a bond with my biological father. I barely even have a bond with my brother anymore. I never have luck with finding a wonderful and stable job, and I am always treated wrong by the opposite sex. I do not have perfect health and though I am currently well, it is always playing on my mind like I am simply waiting on the edge to fall ill. I feel alone and unloved more often than not lately, and being surrounded by people does not usually help.
Call me shallow, hell, call me whatever you want to call me, but I have to be honest with myself. I remember watching a video where a teacher filled a jar with golf balls, stones, sand, water, etc. Each item smaller than the last. Each item represented various aspects of life and though I do think I sound horrendously shallow to feel like the above parts of my life are terrible, they each fall into some of the most important aspects of life. Writing my 'issues' down on to black and white makes them feel so small, it makes me wonder how I can emotionally feel them so greatly. Life affects some people in different ways to others, and I am one of the people you could probably call a drama queen over it, though I do not act for attention or anything of the sort. I simply feel emotions deeper than most people, and the challenges of life often impact me more than I have witnessed them impact others around me. This is something that is incredibly difficult to live with, but I guess I would not be me without it. I so often have and give reactions before I can rationally think about them. By the time I have realised, I have usually screwed something up for myself.
I had my birthday less than a fortnight ago and in the run up to it, I genuinely had to ask myself how old I would be turning. Looking back at my life overwhelms me. I have been through some things I would never have imagined I'd go through before turning 23, yet I know people who have been through so much more. It kind of begs the question, what is this thing called life? It brings pain and heartache to so many people and some of them never get over it. Too many people lose their lives, and too many people have to fight through such difficult obstacles just to continue breathing and waking up every day. It brings the realisation once again of how lucky I am, to not have to physically struggle to breathe every week, day, hour, or second.
If you know me, I'd like you to do something for me. Every time you hear me dwell or see me frown, I'd like you to help me stop. I'd like you to remind me of something positive, because if I keep all these reminders, I can build on my positivity and beliefs and be me again.
Someday, one day soon I hope, I will be able to truly smile again.
The following post was written in August 2014 and I'm not sure why I never published it, but I'd like to share it now because it involves real and honest feelings...
I was sitting on the sofa tonight reflecting on some things that had been said, and I realised just how lost I am in my life. Most importantly today, I realised the extent in which I don't know how to deal with loss. I'm not going to go into my losses right now because I don't particularly wanna be crying endlessly at 5am, but I will try to explain myself a little.
A friend of a friend posted something on Facebook about a week ago, and my friend had 'liked' it which meant it came up on my news feed. (Apologies if you're unaware of Facebook terms, but basically it just means I could see what this girl had written.) She'd lost the love of her life several months before, and was writing to explain how she would never be happy again until either he came back, or she joined him. At the time of reading it, I couldn't really make sense of why someone would speak of wanting to die like that, so openly. People say that everyone grieves differently, but really, they are just words and we are all expected to grieve in the same ways. Heartache, denial, anger, acceptance, and moving forward. But hey, when does it ever work like that?
So today I write to you with a very heavy heart, but whilst I sleep my tears away, I hope today that all of your hearts are happy. I hope you're not in pain, and I hope that not only do your lips have the ability to smile truly, but that your heart does too.
It hasn’t been on purpose that I haven’t posted on here in so long, I’ve just been so caught up in life and my own little world. I thought it was going so well but the past couple of years have been extremely rough, and I guess I have struggled on several occasions. I’m struggling today.
A little while ago I was reflecting on my life, and I realised that my headspace lately hasn’t been a good one. In all honesty I haven’t known how to fix it or make it positive, but tonight I remembered this. Tonight I remembered that this blog used to help me make sense of life, and of myself. I remembered that letting my feelings out here has helped me be positive, and has given me an output, and sometimes even a solution. And often it just seemed to be advice I was imparting on myself, which I could use right now.
So whilst I know that it’s okay not to be okay, it’s also obviously okay to be okay, too. And I want to be, I really do. But I don’t think I can honestly say that I am okay. I thought this year started off so well, yet in my mind today it seems like just another train wreck, waiting to spiral downward and destroy me.
I guess I still haven’t really let everything catch up with me. I mean, there is pain in my heart and in my mind every day, about things I don’t have the power to change. I feel pain because I have never been able to easily accept something. Acceptance has always been a big issue for me, and I think just as I have started getting my head around one thing, something else has happened and sent me back to the start. It’s like a domino effect, when one painful thing reminds me of the previous one, and that one reminds me of the one before, etc. Don’t get me wrong, there in many things in my life that I have accepted, It’s just that the past couple of years have been so eventful and made such a negative impact on me, I don’t think I’ve really had the chance to recover from it all.
It’s times like this that I wonder where my life is going. Three months ago I thought I had my dream job, was about to live abroad and be happier than ever. Three months down the line I am back home in England, wondering where I go from here. I know life isn’t supposed to be easy and that it probably wouldn’t be worth it if it was, but sometimes I wish I could catch a break.
I have to figure out my next steps, whether they are baby steps or giant leaps.
I have to remember how far I have come.
I have to move forward and try to fill my heart with love instead of pain.
This is a song that used to play a big part in my life, and today it’s my inspiration for writing this blog.
Because life is too short. Life is too short to keep everything bottled up inside you. Life is too short to not say your part. Life is too short to simply throw your life away when it gets tough.
Stand up and be proud of who you are.
Never give up on the things you want.
Follow your heart and chase your dreams. Believe in yourself.
I started writing a blog post several days ago, and just deleted every single word of it. I read through it several times, and nothing about it felt right. It wasn’t from the heart. I was afraid that my heart would say too much, but now maybe that would be a good thing. So here I am, laid bare once again, with nothing but honesty.
Admittedly I’m a little out of practice with the whole opening up thing, but now there are things I won’t write for other reasons. I am keeping a tight lip on some things that have happened this year not only because they are not solely things about me, but also because some things are still very raw for me and I am simply not ready to make them public yet.
2013 and particularly the last few months have been incredibly difficult for me. I have found myself thinking and feeling things that I haven’t for years, and I have also found myself thinking and feeling a million new things. Every single one of them has been a challenge, but every single one of them has taught me a lesson.
Something I’ve realized about myself this year is that I have not been true to myself. Every time something has hurt me, I have taken a tiny step backward. Each tiny step has drawn me closer to fear, shame, hatred, and the inability to let go. At the beginning of 2013 I moved away from my family once again, for a job I loved. Whilst on my journey, I made a significant realization that I was not afraid. In comparison to every other move I have made for a job, this was a job role I had known the least about, that I had gained with the least paperwork and effort, and that I would have the most responsibility in. Yet for once in my life, my excitement outweighed my fear. Now as I look back at even last week, that girl is totally unrecognizable.
My heart has been so full of pain, confusion and anger, that I have lost myself. I have forgotten how to love and be proud of myself. I have forgotten how to let things go, and not hurt all the time. I have forgotten how to forgive the simplest mistakes. But most of all, somewhere along the line I forgot how to smile true happiness. I forgot how to be happy. I have taken so many steps backwards and it’s one of those things I never even realized I was doing, until I was right back there in my shell. It’s total deja vu for me, but I was so focussed on the pain and negativity surrounding me, that I lost sight of the beauty, strength and power I once saw in myself. It’s been quite a struggle to even open that shell I’ve been hiding in if I’m honest, let alone step out of it, but today I can say that I am ready. Today, I am ready to not be overwhelmed by pain, fear, and negativity. Today I am ready to learn, love, laugh, and most importantly I am ready to get out there and live my life.
I am terrified of so many things, but I know that the easy option will never get me anywhere in life, let alone where I want to be. I know that to be proud of myself again, I need to stand up and fight through my obstacles to get myself back on track. After all, it’s not about how many times I fall down, it’s about how many times I pick myself up, dust myself off, and stand up tall, ready to carry on. I know that I am never alone, and I know that there is always somebody worse off than me. I know that I am loved by many and have an incredible support network of people willing to help me through anything and everything. However, I also know that I am too good at pushing people away, and too bad at accepting help, (and often admitting that I even need it). When I hurt as much as I have recently, it terrifies me to let people in, and be close to me. The ‘real me’ might be worn down right now, but I have learnt that I would rather let people see me like this and help me through, than to constantly battle with myself, be alone, and always pretend to be someone I am not.
Everybody has bad days and I’ve no doubt that I will have more, but I believe that for every bad day I get through, there is a brilliant day waiting for me somewhere along the track.
Here’s to stepping out from the darkness. Again.
Here’s to opening my heart. Again.
Here’s to learning to smiling with a heart full of happiness. Again.
Have you ever been faced with a difficult decision that would change your life, no matter which path you chose? Life sometimes throws us choices that we don't want to have to make, but we have no power to change reality. So just the same, when decisions move to a point of being out of our control, all we have the power to do is try to make the best of the situation we are presented with.
Just over a year ago I was presented with one of those life changing decisions but it shook my world so distinctly, that my mind was paralyzed with fear before I could even make sense of the choices laid out in front of me. Most of you will know by now that fear used to be a massive part of my life so that's nothing new, but it so often had the power to stop me in my tracks and send me into a whirlwind of emotion and denial and that's exactly what it had done this time. A choice was made for me and it was probably the better path to travel down, but now that my life has changed so much, my mind can't help but wonder. I cannot help but think of how different everything could be if I had made the decision myself. I cannot help but wonder, if I'd made the same decision, would it have been right? I honestly really don't think it would've, and that's such a bittersweet feeling. But I guess I am incredibly lucky for it to have worked out okay. It really just goes to show, some things aren't meant to be.
As a wise man once said to me, "It always works out okay."
The last posts I wrote a few months ago were solely based around my heartache of losing a dear friend of mine, and I’d just like to post an update on the progress of that. I’ve probably been through some of the toughest few months of my life, but thankfully I have been surrounded by some amazing people I recently met.
My flight out to Lapland was an extremely difficult task in itself, because it was the same date as what would’ve been her 21st birthday, and being on that flight meant that I knew, 110%, I would miss my chance to be at her funeral. It was heart-wrenching, to say the least. I met a lot of new people whilst I was away and some days they became the only reason I wanted to get out of bed. They kept me laughing and smiling and were genuinely always there for me. I could not have asked for more support.
Since missing the funeral I have constantly had the urge to fly to her town, and this coming weekend, my wish is coming true. In less than a week I will be on my way to see her family and a few other friends, and I will have made myself totally un-contactable from the rest of the world. Already my eyes are teary and my stomach continuously spins, but I know in my heart that I want and need to do this. At the same time however, it’s like admitting it’s all real. I’ve never had to admit that it has actually happened like this, because I haven’t yet been in the situation of seeing her family, etc, without her. My heart is a broken mess and I couldn’t even count the number of times I’ve told myself ‘It will all be okay’. But as painful as it is, life goes on. Life doesn’t stop just because I’ve lost a loved one, so I have to be strong.
I’m one of those people that will always say ‘See you later’ rather than ‘Goodbye’, so this weekend and forever, that belief will stand. I will never say goodbye to her because it isn’t time for goodbye. Goodbyes are for when you will never see people again, and I see her all the time. She’s in my memories, my mind, my photos, and most of all she is in my heart. She will always be in my heart.
I’ll see you soon, you beautiful girl. Have a drink up there for me. Courtney’s Imagination★
Firstly on here, I’d like to apologise for not posting in so long. I know I’ve written these apologies a fair few times now, but I just wanted to say that I am genuinely sorry about my lack of time. I have recently returned from spending the Christmas/Winter season working in Lapland on the Finnish/Swedish border, and had a distinct lack of WiFi. Whilst Im on the subject, I’d also like to thank you all. To sign in a minute ago and see that my blog has still had hundreds of views despite the lack of posts, is simply phenomenal.
As a note of thanks and sorry, I will share with you some beautiful sights from my travels...
As I mentioned in my previous post, I recently and tragically lost a wonderful friend of mine. So now, as I’m preparing to work in what is probably one of the happiest places on earth this winter, I’m faced with a dilemma. I have found myself stuck in an ultimate funk and I just don’t know how to pull myself together this time. I’ve learned the hard way before and discovered that brushing over what you’re feeling will never work, and it’ll come back to bite you several months later, twice as hard. Therefore I’m feeling very against the idea of waiting until I’m back home after Christmas, to address my grief.
I can’t quite pinpoint exactly what it is I’m feeling, because my emotions seem to be spinning through the cycle of loss. One minute I’m sad, the next I’m in shock, and the one after that I am in denial. I’m extremely lucky to have not been in the position of losing a loved one many times, but this is the worst so far. The problem I am facing this time is not that I am alone-because I know I have a wonderful support network of friends and family-but that I feel it. You see, this friend of mine was a childhood friend but she moved almost 500 miles away shortly after starting high-school. We kept in touch throughout and ironically grew to be closer friends than we ever were whilst living in the same town. She moved so long ago now, and gradually lost contact with most of if not all of her other friends here, and only came back in contact with them a year or so ago. Due to that, the news seems to have hit me the hardest of the people here, and none of them seem to understand why.
Everybody in her ‘new’ town and all her family have each other to lean on and get through this painful time together, because they’re all feeling the same. My issue throughout this process of emotions is that nobody in my support network had memories with her, and they’re not able to say that their lives were better for knowing her. It’s so difficult to have everybody tell me they’re sorry for the loss, but not have them able to remind me of something funny she done, or what she would say to me now, or even how brilliant her life was and all the things she achieved. It’s those little comforts of knowing that a lost loved one was part of your life, that get you through times like this. When you don’t have constant reminders, it’s harder to even acknowledge that it’s real and they’re gone, let alone work through grief and move forward.
Though my heart is a little broken at the moment, it’s not an excuse for me to give up. Most of all, because she wouldn’t want me to. I still believe that everything happens for a reason and that everything will be okay in the end, but sometimes before things can be okay we have to confront the challenges life throws us.
We all inherit tough things that we need to deal with, and we all are faced with loss throughout our lives. We all have our own ways of coping. Today my method has been to blog out the sadness and to remind myself of the greater stuff.
Whatever stage you’re at in life, I want you to take a minute and have a think. I want you to think about all of the things you’ve never said to people because “there’s always tomorrow”.
Tomorrow is never a guarantee. Tell people if you love them, be honest, be true to yourself, smile everyday, and follow your heart.
Life’s too short to hold grudges, have regrets, and tell lies. You never know what’s round the corner, and you never know when a life might shockingly end.
Live your life while you can, and live it to the full. Whether you need a headstone tomorrow, or in 20 years time, give them something to write on it. Give people something to remember you by.
Last night I discovered that a friend of mine was killed in a hit and run incident. It's like one of those situations you always hear about in the news, but you never think it would be somebody you know. I’ve been trying to find the words to write something to her or about her but I am simply speechless. Therefore, I’m just going to post a trailer for her.
It’s recently really come to my attention that suicide is another of those extreme and taboo conversation topics. I guess it’s a bit like everybody walking on eggshells. People don’t talk about it, but you never know what’s going on behind closed doors, or how many people from that crowded room have attempted, will attempt it, or have lost a loved one. I don’t know exact statistics, but I know that suicide and attempted suicide happens a lot more often than people realise, and a lot more often than people would like to admit. Society always seems to throw shame and hatred at any attempts and I really hate that because it’s another one of those things that people don’t understand. There seems to be such little awareness that the majority of society becomes a bully, the second something is mentioned on the news. Most of the attempts or fatalities mentioned on the news or spread on social media never give the person behind it a chance to get their story across either because they’re too afraid of the hate they’ll receive or because they were successful in their attempt, so I’d like to share mine. I’d like to share one particular attempt I made a few years ago, in the hope that I can open up even one more mind.
I think the biggest question surrounding suicide is ‘Why?’ but the truth is, it differs for everybody. No two people in this world live the exact same life with the exact same life events and challenges, feeling the exact same emotions about it all. Therefore, there probably isn’t a simple answer as to why one single person in this world would want to end their life. I know that family and friends of a lost loved one often say that their act was nothing but selfish, but actually, I think that’s a comment from themselves being selfish and only thinking about how they feel now their sister, son, friend or cousin, is gone. I know there will be many people who disagree with me on that one, but I stand by my beliefs. Sure it hurts to lose somebody, but you have to be in a dark, dark, painful place to make the decision that you don’t want to live anymore.
Despite having been there myself, one of the hardest times of my life was trying to convince somebody I loved, that their life was worth living. I’ve been on both sides of a suicide attempt and neither are easy, but I can honestly say that living to tell the story and living to hear the story be told, is one of the best things you can feel.
As you know I try to be 110% honest here so I won’t leave anything out, but I will say, please don’t read this if you think it could be a trigger for you. I’m in a wonderful place in my life now and I would not be writing this is there was even a smidgeon of doubt in my mind that this would make me relapse in any way.
There’s one particular attempt of mine that I remember like it was yesterday. I wasn’t old enough to buy myself tablets so I’d spent the past few weeks getting them. Whenever I’d be left in the house alone I would go searching for more, and I hid them until that day. I must’ve had at least 40. I’d planned it all, I knew what I was doing and it was a day I’d been waiting for. I’d been in that dark place for so long and I didn’t see a way out. I was so ridiculously depressed and ashamed of myself and I felt so hated by everybody, that I didn’t even feeling like I was living anymore, I was just existing and acting. I felt like I had nothing, and like I was nothing. I honestly didn’t think I’d be missed at all. I thought that I was nothing but a burden to my friends because all I ever had to say was something referring to how bad I felt. I thought I was useless to my family because I was constantly moaned and shouted at, and I was the centre of so many arguments. I thought I could just die and my existence would disappear, so that everybody could be happy and live their lives.
It was somehow like I would feel so angry and sad and emotional, but at the same time I would just be blank and numb. I had so many self destructive ‘phases’ whilst I waited to have enough pills. I had such a hate campaign against myself because I had joined the bullies in the harsh things they said about me. Nobody could’ve said a worse thing about me than myself by that point though. I’d reached the stage that I honestly didn’t care about myself because I didn’t see a point to it. I’d planned to die anyway, so there was no need to waste the little energy I had in caring about things I did or said. I should’ve been hit by moving traffic, so many times.
Getting to ‘that day’, I remember sitting on my bed with tears pouring down my face. In those moments before swallowing I felt more alive than I had over probably that past whole year. I felt excited that I wouldn’t have to hurt anymore. I felt relieved that I wouldn’t have to face the bullies anymore. I felt free, in the knowledge that I could soon be at peace.
I cut myself first, because I felt like I had to let go of everything before I died. Dragging the blade through my skin again and again, I could let go of all the pain I felt because it wouldn’t exist before long. I pushed out all of the tablets from the plastic, one by one, letting them fall into a pile in front of me. I hadn’t felt the need to write a note, because I just didn’t have anything to say to anybody anymore.
I picked up a glass of water in one hand, and picked up 4 tablets in the other. I took some water in my mouth, before tipping my head back, dropping the pills in, and swallowing. I knew I’d taken the first step. I was so close to a world without pain. Again I sipped some water into my mouth, dropped more pills in, and swallowed. I was bad with tablets at the best of times, but with the result I thought this would bring me, I persevered. I remember being about halfway through and I felt so sick, but I knew I had to keep going. When there were 3 tablets left in front of me, I took them one by one. I wondered how long it’d take me to die, and I wondered what it would be like. I wondered if I’d feel anything before, or if I’d partially wake and know it was happening, or if my body would just shut down whilst I slept. I had no idea. I picked up all the empty tablet sheets and put them in the draw beside my blades. ‘I don’t need to hide them, they’ll find everything anyway’ I thought. Then I curled up in my bed, pulled the duvet over me, and let my eyelids fall shut. That was it, I had given up on myself and the world, and I had taken my necessary actions to let myself die. The world could finally be a wonderful place, and I could finally slip away from it.
So there you have it, suicide through the eyes of somebody living to tell their story. It’s not all black and white like the media make it out to be, and there will always be a story behind it. I'm sure if you've ready some of my previous posts, you'll know some of the factors that lead to my depression.
I’m grateful that I never died, and my scars, stories and memories are just proof of how strong I am to overcome ‘the dark side’ and to pick myself up from the gutter after trying to give up.
Looks can be deceiving. It’s astounding how easily people can hide their true feelings for so long. If you can save even one life, do it. Nobody deserves to hurt but sometimes people get things they don’t deserve.
Life is such a precious thing, please don’t give yours up.
