My weekend was amazing but also emotional and extremely tiring, and today I woke up in a 'Ughh it's just gonna be one of those days' mood. I'm so tired that I don't even have the mental capability of finishing a post I started a few days ago to the standard I'd like, so I'm just going to share a song with you.
Vulnerability is a bitch and a blessing all in one.
Not too long ago a friend of mine was cheated on by her boyfriend, and she's heartbroken and struggling. For a long time I've been the kind of person to think about life and feelings a lot throughout difficult situations, and having been in the same kind of situation to her and having reflected on it now from a positive mindset, I spoke to her about it to try and help her understand what she's feeling. Once again that time of my life is something I've never really opened up details about just because it was so personal. I know heartache is something most people don't like to talk about or remember, but I'm fine with it now and from seeing how much it has helped my friend today I decided to share it on here to hopefully help some of you guys, too.
I apologise if anything I've written is stereotypical or offensive to you, I am just writing from my experience and my point of view. I also apologise if this post brings bad memories or feelings for you, but most times if something still hurts us, it means we are not at peace with it. Often we need to be at peace with painful memories, so they don't come back as demons and haunt us.
Whenever somebody talks to me and I get the feeling they're not as okay as they've claimed, I try to help. By no means do I force somebody to talk to me because it's their own choice, but I try to help them because I hate the thought that somebody could be feeling things I've felt before. Today from the first word my friend spoke to me I knew that she wasn't okay. So the following is, as best as I could describe, my most recent experience of heartache.
Alice is my friend, but she's not one of my closest friends and because of that, she's not one of the people I have everyday contact with. The past few times we've spoken I got the feeling she wasn't okay but she didn't wanna talk about it so I didn't force it, but in all honesty, she seemed pretty messed up. I don't mean that harshly but it was like she'd been crushed, and all her energy had been drawn out of her and replaced with a constant dwelling. She was lost, which makes sense now I know the reason.
The last time I was in that situation was several months ago, but it was a relationship that, looking back, I shouldn't have been in. When that relationship broke down I realised how lost I had been, but I was hurting and had reached the point of not giving a damn about myself because it felt like he didn't. Don't get me wrong, I know that's ridiculous, but I was a mess during that relationship and that was how I'd let myself feel. The fact I would finish work and have a drink in my hand within 5 minutes just goes to show how unwilling I was to deal with the pain and problems back then. Turning to alcohol is something I absolutely don't recommend or condone under any circumstances, but for that month or so it helped me exist. It's weird but I wouldn't say I was living during that time purely because I wasn't enjoying life. It was difficult and I didn't know how so I didn't bother trying to figure it out.
I'd felt broken before, but that time it was on a whole other level because life had changed so much. I'd moved out of my mum's, was working and living with some awesome people, and was practically living with said boyfriend. But I wasn't being honest with myself. I'd always had issues with the way I looked, as most girls do, but after being diagnosed with a long-term illness and then living with a 2-digit number of girls to be compared to, my confidence was up and down more than a yo-yo. I never let myself get to grips with being myself and living and working as that happy, confident girl, before I threw myself into a relationship. I guess that was my way of trying to fit in easier, by lying to myself that I would feel like part of the team quicker if I was with somebody who'd already been there over a year. I think that's more than likely, and I will admit, I didn't want to be in that relationship at all and I fought against it for a whole month before I was charmed in. Not only had I been drawn into a relationship, but I had lulled myself into a false sense of happiness and security. When it ended I found myself in a whirlwind and continuous circle of emotions and thoughts. I didn't want to feel what I was feeling, hence finding that quick fix in alcohol to numb my feelings, just so I could smile and pretend. It's only natural after a break-up to want and need stability and happiness.
The transfer to single life can be a lonely one, especially if you were living together. It's cliche, but I guess it's like that situation of being alone in a crowded room. It's like you're unsure of everything. I didn't know how to feel, what to say, what to do, etc. You constantly wonder who you are, and begin to doubt all of the people that claim to love you, just because one person's love suddenly turned into a lie. When you love someone, you don't want it to stop. You crave the good times because they were so great, and during that, your memory paints over the bad times to trick you into denial. So when you look back at what's happened, it's like you see nothing but butterflies and daisies, which makes everything seem so much worse because you can't have it back.
I'm not gonna say that it's impossible to get through heartache on your own, but I'm sure it's much easier when you're surrounded by support. I had so many people around me to help me through and it still felt like hell. Just like everything in this world, it takes time. Time can heal so many things, if you're willing to be patient and let it. With that said though, you do need to be willing. I seemed to continuously go through stages of anger, denial, acceptance, loneliness, sadness, and confusion. As the days gradually went on I seemed to be finding out more and more that said boyfriend had said or done behind my back, and for a long time I found myself simply unable to understand. It was so uncomfortable to even think about, it all became just one of those things I wanted to leave at the back of my mind and forget forever. I didn't want to work through the hurt because I didn't want to remember it or try to understand it incase I uncovered more secrets.
As I've established I was pretty much just an emotional wreck in love, with alcohol flowing through my bloodstream. So when I thought things were changing and we were somehow growing closer again, I was naturally hopeful. When we were together he had become my quick fix to cheer up because he knew how to make me laugh and smile, so it was my instinct to want a quick fix to stop feeling rubbish, and at that point I didn't know what else would work. It turned out that my hopes ruined me, as it came to light that he was an emotional wreck too. We both had different views of what we wanted, and it didn't help us at all. In the times I felt like we were closer, I wanted it to continue, but in the end it just hurt me more because paranoia kicked in big-time. When you think you're so close to what you want, anything and everything becomes and threat to you because at that point, you're so ridiculously insecure, you just see anything as a threat that could mess up your fantasy. I can tell you now though, it is SO wrong to live in a fantasy.
Nothing in life should be rushed if it is to be successful, and this goes for getting over heartache too. If you're unwilling, or just hide away, you'll be hurting for a lot longer than if you face the problem.
'The best thing we can do through loss of love, is to find ourselves through it.' - Pat Monahan, Train.
Just for the record, said ex-boyfriend and I aren't on bad terms now, and I wouldn't change a single thing about my life, given the choice, because then I wouldn't be the girl I am today, and I love her.
It's not about fixing or forgetting, it's about moving forwards to bigger and better things.
I know, I know; I have posted repeatedly about fear and different aspects of it, but this one's a little different.
Often in life we can find that something which seems like a big thing to us, will seem like a tiny thing to the rest of the world. My theory for that, is because they're not feeling the same way as us about it, and they do not understand. It's okay for them to not understand, I mean, everybody's different so it's only natural. I've found that some things which fits this description, are phobias.
Again, I'll be totally honest here. Even for those of you who know me, you'll more than likely find that you've never spoken to me via a phone call. Reason being, they terrify me. I've always thought it sounds pathetic, and it probably is, but that's the way it is. I believe phobias in adolescence or adulthood can often be linked to something from our childhoods, but like anything, we can work on them if we want it enough. I think my phone call terror is emotionally and sub-consciously linked to the part of my life where I began to shut myself down to everybody and not speak to many of the people in my life, but I believe it's defeat-able.
Severity of phobias is different to everybody I guess because they're not all really comparable to one another, but I'd probably rate mine as a 7 out of 10. I mean, I was texting somebody a few nights ago and even when they mentioned the possibility of a phone call, my heart began beating out of my chest, but they're not totally an alien subject to me. At the same time though, even when I'm meeting up with someone, for example, and they're late or something, I'd often prefer to wait like an idiot, before I'd put myself through the panic of ringing them. Today I realised just hows sad it is that some people's phobias are so much worse and they're prevented from living their lives so much more than me. Phone calls can mostly be avoided without too much hassle, but some things can't.
If you have a phobia that's taking over your life, realising that it's a problem is your first step. Making the decision to change it or work through it, is the second. There are so many different ways and people that can help you work your way through it, or even just to help improve your ways of dealing with it.
So I didn't make that call a few nights ago, but when I picked up my phone and saw a missed call today, I called back. As I said, to most of you that will seem insignificant, but it shows me a lot about myself.
I'm thankful that I found it in myself to return that call today, because it could be the most important phone call of my life.
You never know how many opportunities you are missing, if you don't let yourself reach out for them.
You don't have to live in fear, but you do really have to want to change it, for you to be able to.
Don't let your phobias hold you down. Free yourself. Fight the odds. Make that phone call, or whatever. Go on, prove to yourself that you are capable.
Courtney's Imagination★
P.s. You won't know either way, but I'm sorry if I have missed your call before, because I was too busy panicking. Maybe if you ring me again someday, I will answer. Bear with me on this one folks.
I have just finished watching Mary Poppins with one of the most wonderful people in my life. Mary Poppins was my all-time favourite film from my childhood and I think Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke do a fabulous job with their characters, so I totally love re-watching it. In fact, I love it so much that my brother bought me my very own Mary Poppins a few years ago. Hilarious, but brilliant!
With today being easter, it's a time most people spend with family and loved ones, but often the people who matter move towards the back of minds as people become obsessed with the amount of chocolate they receive, comparing and bragging on all their social networking sites.
As somebody who has taken her loved ones for granted much too often, I hope that you guys can realise what you have and make the most of the love surrounding you. People can be so lovely if you're lovely to them, and even if you don't appreciate them yet, the love and support you're given will get you through much more than chocolate will!!
Happy Easter, lovely people.
Enjoy it, and share your love with the ones who love you.
The Boat Race took place in the UK today which, for those of you who aren't aware, is a rowing battle along London's River Thames between Oxford and Cambridge Universities. Today is the most competitive I've ever personally felt about this race, and after the disaster of a swimmer amongst the boats, I saw a picture which calmed any competitive frustration I may have been feeling. I am a big fan of the Keep Calm and Carry On progaganda, and this was simply perfect...
If you couldn't tell, I wanted Cambridge to win!
Therefore, I cannot tell you how happy I am to announce that they did!!
Some would no doubt say that Cambridge won by default, but siding with the umpire John Garrett, I do not believe this is the case. After coming across a swimmer between the two boats, the race had to be restarted. Then after restarting, Oxford lost an oar which was said by Garrett to be their own fault. Once both teams had finished the race and Oxford had appealed, Garrett remained by his word and flew the white flag. On interview after the race, Garrett confirmed his word and as we'd heard before, he stated that he'd been telling Oxford to move a few times before the oar was lost, therefore believed they were at fault. It was an extraordinary race, that's for sure.
March 30th just gone was an extremely profound day for Jamie Twokowski. It was the sixth anniversary of the day that the first TWLOHA t-shirt was worn. TWLOHA has soared over the past 6 years, and has become a very profound part of many lives throughout the world.
TWLOHA is an abbreviation of To Write Love On Her Arms, and is a title with an intense background, that has changed the lives of so many people. To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.There are endless blank spots in the memories of my past and I don't actually remember how I discovered the organisation, but it swiftly grew to make an impact in my life.
I think TWLOHA is an amazing organisation not only because they care, but because they actually go out there and do things to make a difference. Caring isn't always enough. They founded the organisation simply from the will to help a friend, and would never have imagined 6 years ago, that raising some money to help a friend through treatment would turn into such a meaningful, important part of so many lives. I wear my TWLOHA tees and wristbands with pride, for the strength behind those 6 words and every story that’s within them. Below is their vision, and the things they believe...
The vision is that we actually believe these things…
- You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.
- We live in a difficult world, a broken world. My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck.
- We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.
- You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption. We're seeing it happen. We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need. People sitting across from a counselor for the first time. People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline. We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change.
- Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.
- The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.
- The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.
- The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.
- The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.
- The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.
- The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.
- The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.
- The vision is hope, and hope is real.
- You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.
I was reading through someone's blog tonight because I can't sleep, and it really just made me wanna write something. I didn't even get through the whole blog before opening another tab and beginning to ramble this, feeling an urgency to write with honesty whilst I can. So from the part that I did read, it was a post about a girl hiding her depression and anxiety from her boyfriend, and how he found her tablets in the glovebox of her car. Then I stopped.
I've said before that in the majority of previous relationships I haven't been at peace with myself or my life, and I've wondered in the past how anybody could love me if I didn't love myself, but tonight I think the extent of those things has really hit me. Because yes, my journey does still overwhelm me, and there will probably never be at least a tiny part of it that will fail to do so.
The beginning of that blog sent a shiver down my spine because it reminded me of a time when I've been in a similar situation. There was a time with an ex where he hadn't known how I'd been feeling, but he discovered, when his hand took a second touch over my arm under the duvet, (like a double glance, with a different sensor), and my heart sunk. I have no idea how I'd kept it from him, but a week or so before, I had got to such a point of emptiness, or hatred, or something, that after so long, I had cut. I hadn't wanted him to know. I hadn't wanted anyone to know. I didn't want them to see myself in the same light as I saw myself. I don't think I answered him when he asked 'What's that?', but he didn't persist. He knew anyway, and I knew he did. It's never happened since that moment because I've never let myself get to that point of hatred and have become a better person, but that night, I realised a lot of things, and felt many different emotions. To this day, he's never mentioned it again.
That's where I've gone wrong in life before, hiding away and not talking about the things I should have. So I guess that's why I'm writing this, so no demons can haunt me over this memory, and so I can practice my true honesty. I never realise things at the time they happen, but that moment I've been reminded of tonight truly shows me how I felt about myself then, and how I feel about myself now. Feel privileged, folks; my state of past is not something I have ever really talked about to such detail, to public.
This is kinda one of those 'heart and soul blogs' because it's a topic that I've hidden for so long, even though it's in the past. It's a topic that links to some of the worst times in my life, and that holds a lot of emotion for me. It's another reason that I overwhelm myself, because of all the changes I have already made, and the ones I am continuing to make.
After blogging yesterday about an important day closing in on me, I've been feeling the burn of stress on my shoulders, and it is so typical that I would suddenly become ill. After being frustrated I realised it wouldn't get me anywhere, so I am practicing my patience skills, and clearing my mind! I've been overdosing on honey and lemon drinks, and taking some flu tablety things, and making the most of some time to relax. I've also been relishing in my 'Ellen' addiction...
I embraced that chilling out will help me recover, so in some of my 'time out' I am hoping to write more blogs for you guys!!
Now, let's hope the sun returns soon...
Courtney's Imagination★
P.s. I'm open to suggestions of how to be better, quicker...
As much as I hate to say this, I'll be honest and admit it... I am a hypocrite.
Whenever I am asked to help somebody, one of my main pieces of advice is to not put so much pressure on themselves. Now at a time when I could do with following my own advice, I'm somehow unable.
In less than 3 weeks I will find myself at the most important day of my life to date, the day that could shape my future, and a day that means the world to me. I have a choice to make before this day, and I'm finding myself constantly stressed and unable to choose, because of the pressure I am putting on myself. Right now I have the power to shape the way this day could go, I have the power to be the best that I can be to be sure that I don't make mistakes, and it's so important to me that it's all I wanna focus on. It has to be right.
