I was reading through someone's blog tonight because I can't sleep, and it really just made me wanna write something. I didn't even get through the whole blog before opening another tab and beginning to ramble this, feeling an urgency to write with honesty whilst I can. So from the part that I did read, it was a post about a girl hiding her depression and anxiety from her boyfriend, and how he found her tablets in the glovebox of her car. Then I stopped.
I've said before that in the majority of previous relationships I haven't been at peace with myself or my life, and I've wondered in the past how anybody could love me if I didn't love myself, but tonight I think the extent of those things has really hit me. Because yes, my journey does still overwhelm me, and there will probably never be at least a tiny part of it that will fail to do so.
The beginning of that blog sent a shiver down my spine because it reminded me of a time when I've been in a similar situation. There was a time with an ex where he hadn't known how I'd been feeling, but he discovered, when his hand took a second touch over my arm under the duvet, (like a double glance, with a different sensor), and my heart sunk. I have no idea how I'd kept it from him, but a week or so before, I had got to such a point of emptiness, or hatred, or something, that after so long, I had cut. I hadn't wanted him to know. I hadn't wanted anyone to know. I didn't want them to see myself in the same light as I saw myself. I don't think I answered him when he asked 'What's that?', but he didn't persist. He knew anyway, and I knew he did. It's never happened since that moment because I've never let myself get to that point of hatred and have become a better person, but that night, I realised a lot of things, and felt many different emotions. To this day, he's never mentioned it again.
That's where I've gone wrong in life before, hiding away and not talking about the things I should have. So I guess that's why I'm writing this, so no demons can haunt me over this memory, and so I can practice my true honesty. I never realise things at the time they happen, but that moment I've been reminded of tonight truly shows me how I felt about myself then, and how I feel about myself now. Feel privileged, folks; my state of past is not something I have ever really talked about to such detail, to public.
This is kinda one of those 'heart and soul blogs' because it's a topic that I've hidden for so long, even though it's in the past. It's a topic that links to some of the worst times in my life, and that holds a lot of emotion for me. It's another reason that I overwhelm myself, because of all the changes I have already made, and the ones I am continuing to make.
Embrace your journey. Never give up.
Courtney's Imagination★
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