Not too long ago a friend of mine was cheated on by her boyfriend, and she's heartbroken and struggling. For a long time I've been the kind of person to think about life and feelings a lot throughout difficult situations, and having been in the same kind of situation to her and having reflected on it now from a positive mindset, I spoke to her about it to try and help her understand what she's feeling. Once again that time of my life is something I've never really opened up details about just because it was so personal. I know heartache is something most people don't like to talk about or remember, but I'm fine with it now and from seeing how much it has helped my friend today I decided to share it on here to hopefully help some of you guys, too.
I apologise if anything I've written is stereotypical or offensive to you, I am just writing from my experience and my point of view. I also apologise if this post brings bad memories or feelings for you, but most times if something still hurts us, it means we are not at peace with it. Often we need to be at peace with painful memories, so they don't come back as demons and haunt us.
Whenever somebody talks to me and I get the feeling they're not as okay as they've claimed, I try to help. By no means do I force somebody to talk to me because it's their own choice, but I try to help them because I hate the thought that somebody could be feeling things I've felt before. Today from the first word my friend spoke to me I knew that she wasn't okay. So the following is, as best as I could describe, my most recent experience of heartache.
Alice is my friend, but she's not one of my closest friends and because of that, she's not one of the people I have everyday contact with. The past few times we've spoken I got the feeling she wasn't okay but she didn't wanna talk about it so I didn't force it, but in all honesty, she seemed pretty messed up. I don't mean that harshly but it was like she'd been crushed, and all her energy had been drawn out of her and replaced with a constant dwelling. She was lost, which makes sense now I know the reason.
The last time I was in that situation was several months ago, but it was a relationship that, looking back, I shouldn't have been in. When that relationship broke down I realised how lost I had been, but I was hurting and had reached the point of not giving a damn about myself because it felt like he didn't. Don't get me wrong, I know that's ridiculous, but I was a mess during that relationship and that was how I'd let myself feel. The fact I would finish work and have a drink in my hand within 5 minutes just goes to show how unwilling I was to deal with the pain and problems back then. Turning to alcohol is something I absolutely don't recommend or condone under any circumstances, but for that month or so it helped me exist. It's weird but I wouldn't say I was living during that time purely because I wasn't enjoying life. It was difficult and I didn't know how so I didn't bother trying to figure it out.
I'd felt broken before, but that time it was on a whole other level because life had changed so much. I'd moved out of my mum's, was working and living with some awesome people, and was practically living with said boyfriend. But I wasn't being honest with myself. I'd always had issues with the way I looked, as most girls do, but after being diagnosed with a long-term illness and then living with a 2-digit number of girls to be compared to, my confidence was up and down more than a yo-yo. I never let myself get to grips with being myself and living and working as that happy, confident girl, before I threw myself into a relationship. I guess that was my way of trying to fit in easier, by lying to myself that I would feel like part of the team quicker if I was with somebody who'd already been there over a year. I think that's more than likely, and I will admit, I didn't want to be in that relationship at all and I fought against it for a whole month before I was charmed in. Not only had I been drawn into a relationship, but I had lulled myself into a false sense of happiness and security. When it ended I found myself in a whirlwind and continuous circle of emotions and thoughts. I didn't want to feel what I was feeling, hence finding that quick fix in alcohol to numb my feelings, just so I could smile and pretend. It's only natural after a break-up to want and need stability and happiness.
The transfer to single life can be a lonely one, especially if you were living together. It's cliche, but I guess it's like that situation of being alone in a crowded room. It's like you're unsure of everything. I didn't know how to feel, what to say, what to do, etc. You constantly wonder who you are, and begin to doubt all of the people that claim to love you, just because one person's love suddenly turned into a lie. When you love someone, you don't want it to stop. You crave the good times because they were so great, and during that, your memory paints over the bad times to trick you into denial. So when you look back at what's happened, it's like you see nothing but butterflies and daisies, which makes everything seem so much worse because you can't have it back.
I'm not gonna say that it's impossible to get through heartache on your own, but I'm sure it's much easier when you're surrounded by support. I had so many people around me to help me through and it still felt like hell. Just like everything in this world, it takes time. Time can heal so many things, if you're willing to be patient and let it. With that said though, you do need to be willing. I seemed to continuously go through stages of anger, denial, acceptance, loneliness, sadness, and confusion. As the days gradually went on I seemed to be finding out more and more that said boyfriend had said or done behind my back, and for a long time I found myself simply unable to understand. It was so uncomfortable to even think about, it all became just one of those things I wanted to leave at the back of my mind and forget forever. I didn't want to work through the hurt because I didn't want to remember it or try to understand it incase I uncovered more secrets.
As I've established I was pretty much just an emotional wreck in love, with alcohol flowing through my bloodstream. So when I thought things were changing and we were somehow growing closer again, I was naturally hopeful. When we were together he had become my quick fix to cheer up because he knew how to make me laugh and smile, so it was my instinct to want a quick fix to stop feeling rubbish, and at that point I didn't know what else would work. It turned out that my hopes ruined me, as it came to light that he was an emotional wreck too. We both had different views of what we wanted, and it didn't help us at all. In the times I felt like we were closer, I wanted it to continue, but in the end it just hurt me more because paranoia kicked in big-time. When you think you're so close to what you want, anything and everything becomes and threat to you because at that point, you're so ridiculously insecure, you just see anything as a threat that could mess up your fantasy. I can tell you now though, it is SO wrong to live in a fantasy.
Nothing in life should be rushed if it is to be successful, and this goes for getting over heartache too. If you're unwilling, or just hide away, you'll be hurting for a lot longer than if you face the problem.
'The best thing we can do through loss of love, is to find ourselves through it.' - Pat Monahan, Train.
Just for the record, said ex-boyfriend and I aren't on bad terms now, and I wouldn't change a single thing about my life, given the choice, because then I wouldn't be the girl I am today, and I love her.
It's not about fixing or forgetting, it's about moving forwards to bigger and better things.
Courtney's Imagination★
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