It hasn’t been on purpose that I haven’t posted on here in so long, I’ve just been so caught up in life and my own little world. I thought it was going so well but the past couple of years have been extremely rough, and I guess I have struggled on several occasions. I’m struggling today.
A little while ago I was reflecting on my life, and I realised that my headspace lately hasn’t been a good one. In all honesty I haven’t known how to fix it or make it positive, but tonight I remembered this. Tonight I remembered that this blog used to help me make sense of life, and of myself. I remembered that letting my feelings out here has helped me be positive, and has given me an output, and sometimes even a solution. And often it just seemed to be advice I was imparting on myself, which I could use right now.
So whilst I know that it’s okay not to be okay, it’s also obviously okay to be okay, too. And I want to be, I really do. But I don’t think I can honestly say that I am okay. I thought this year started off so well, yet in my mind today it seems like just another train wreck, waiting to spiral downward and destroy me.
I guess I still haven’t really let everything catch up with me. I mean, there is pain in my heart and in my mind every day, about things I don’t have the power to change. I feel pain because I have never been able to easily accept something. Acceptance has always been a big issue for me, and I think just as I have started getting my head around one thing, something else has happened and sent me back to the start. It’s like a domino effect, when one painful thing reminds me of the previous one, and that one reminds me of the one before, etc. Don’t get me wrong, there in many things in my life that I have accepted, It’s just that the past couple of years have been so eventful and made such a negative impact on me, I don’t think I’ve really had the chance to recover from it all.
It’s times like this that I wonder where my life is going. Three months ago I thought I had my dream job, was about to live abroad and be happier than ever. Three months down the line I am back home in England, wondering where I go from here. I know life isn’t supposed to be easy and that it probably wouldn’t be worth it if it was, but sometimes I wish I could catch a break.
I have to figure out my next steps, whether they are baby steps or giant leaps.
I have to remember how far I have come.
I have to move forward and try to fill my heart with love instead of pain.
This is a song that used to play a big part in my life, and today it’s my inspiration for writing this blog.
Because life is too short. Life is too short to keep everything bottled up inside you. Life is too short to not say your part. Life is too short to simply throw your life away when it gets tough.
Stand up and be proud of who you are.
Never give up on the things you want.
Follow your heart and chase your dreams.
Believe in yourself.
Believe in yourself.
Courtney’s Imagination★
