Today.

I started writing a blog post several days ago, and just deleted every single word of it. I read through it several times, and nothing about it felt right. It wasn’t from the heart. I was afraid that my heart would say too much, but now maybe that would be a good thing. So here I am, laid bare once again, with nothing but honesty.

Admittedly I’m a little out of practice with the whole opening up thing, but now there are things I won’t write for other reasons. I am keeping a tight lip on some things that have happened this year not only because they are not solely things about me, but also because some things are still very raw for me and I am simply not ready to make them public yet.

2013 and particularly the last few months have been incredibly difficult for me. I have found myself thinking and feeling things that I haven’t for years, and I have also found myself thinking and feeling a million new things. Every single one of them has been a challenge, but every single one of them has taught me a lesson.

Something I’ve realized about myself this year is that I have not been true to myself. Every time something has hurt me, I have taken a tiny step backward. Each tiny step has drawn me closer to fear, shame, hatred, and the inability to let go. At the beginning of 2013 I moved away from my family once again, for a job I loved. Whilst on my journey, I made a significant realization that I was not afraid. In comparison to every other move I have made for a job, this was a job role I had known the least about, that I had gained with the least paperwork and effort, and that I would have the most responsibility in. Yet for once in my life, my excitement outweighed my fear. Now as I look back at even last week, that girl is totally unrecognizable.

My heart has been so full of pain, confusion and anger, that I have lost myself. I have forgotten how to love and be proud of myself. I have forgotten how to let things go, and not hurt all the time. I have forgotten how to forgive the simplest mistakes. But most of all, somewhere along the line I forgot how to smile true happiness. I forgot how to be happy. I have taken so many steps backwards and it’s one of those things I never even realized I was doing, until I was right back there in my shell. It’s total deja vu for me, but I was so focussed on the pain and negativity surrounding me, that I lost sight of the beauty, strength and power I once saw in myself. It’s been quite a struggle to even open that shell I’ve been hiding in if I’m honest, let alone step out of it, but today I can say that I am ready. Today, I am ready to not be overwhelmed by pain, fear, and negativity. Today I am ready to learn, love, laugh, and most importantly I am ready to get out there and live my life. 

I am terrified of so many things, but I know that the easy option will never get me anywhere in life, let alone where I want to be. I know that to be proud of myself again, I need to stand up and fight through my obstacles to get myself back on track. After all, it’s not about how many times I fall down, it’s about how many times I pick myself up, dust myself off, and stand up tall, ready to carry on. I know that I am never alone, and I know that there is always somebody worse off than me. I know that I am loved by many and have an incredible support network of people willing to help me through anything and everything. However, I also know that I am too good at pushing people away, and too bad at accepting help, (and often admitting that I even need it). When I hurt as much as I have recently, it terrifies me to let people in, and be close to me. The ‘real me’ might be worn down right now, but I have learnt that I would rather let people see me like this and help me through, than to constantly battle with myself, be alone, and always pretend to be someone I am not.

Everybody has bad days and I’ve no doubt that I will have more, but I believe that for every bad day I get through, there is a brilliant day waiting for me somewhere along the track.

Here’s to stepping out from the darkness. Again.

Here’s to opening my heart. Again.

Here’s to learning to smiling with a heart full of happiness. Again.

Watch this space.
Courtney’s Imagination★

You win some, you lose some.

Have you ever been faced with a difficult decision that would change your life, no matter which path you chose? Life sometimes throws us choices that we don't want to have to make, but we  have no power to change reality. So just the same, when decisions move to a point of being out of our control, all we have the power to do is try to make the best of the situation we are presented with.

Just over a year ago I was presented with one of those life changing decisions but it shook my world so distinctly, that my mind was paralyzed with fear before I could even make sense of the choices laid out in front of me. Most of you will know by now that fear used to be a massive part of my life so that's nothing new, but it so often had the power to stop me in my tracks and send me into a whirlwind of emotion and denial and that's exactly what it had done this time. A choice was made for me and it was probably the better path to travel down, but now that my life has changed so much, my mind can't help but wonder. I cannot help but think of how different everything could be if I had made the decision myself. I cannot help but wonder, if I'd made the same decision, would it have been right? I honestly really don't think it would've, and that's such a bittersweet feeling. But I guess I am incredibly lucky for it to have worked out okay. It really just goes to show, some things aren't meant to be.

As a wise man once said to me, "It always works out okay."

Courtney's Imagination★

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I will never say goodbye.

The last posts I wrote a few months ago were solely based around my heartache of losing a dear friend of mine, and I’d just like to post an update on the progress of that. I’ve probably been through some of the toughest few months of my life, but thankfully I have been surrounded by some amazing people I recently met.

My flight out to Lapland was an extremely difficult task in itself, because it was the same date as what would’ve been her 21st birthday, and being on that flight meant that I knew, 110%, I would miss my chance to be at her funeral. It was heart-wrenching, to say the least. I met a lot of new people whilst I was away and some days they became the only reason I wanted to get out of bed. They kept me laughing and smiling and were genuinely always there for me. I could not have asked for more support.

Since missing the funeral I have constantly had the urge to fly to her town, and this coming weekend, my wish is coming true. In less than a week I will be on my way to see her family and a few other friends, and I will have made myself totally un-contactable from the rest of the world. Already my eyes are teary and my stomach continuously spins, but I know in my heart that I want and need to do this. At the same time however, it’s like admitting it’s all real. I’ve never had to admit that it has actually happened like this, because I haven’t yet been in the situation of seeing her family, etc, without her. My heart is a broken mess and I couldn’t even count the number of times I’ve told myself ‘It will all be okay’. But as painful as it is, life goes on. Life doesn’t stop just because I’ve lost a loved one, so I have to be strong.

I’m one of those people that will always say ‘See you later’ rather than ‘Goodbye’, so this weekend and forever, that belief will stand. I will never say goodbye to her because it isn’t time for goodbye. Goodbyes are for when you will never see people again, and I see her all the time. She’s in my memories, my mind, my photos, and most of all she is in my heart. She will always be in my heart.

I’ll see you soon, you beautiful girl. Have a drink up there for me.
Courtney’s Imagination★

You are all so wonderful...

Firstly on here, I’d like to apologise for not posting in so long. I know I’ve written these apologies a fair few times now, but I just wanted to say that I am genuinely sorry about my lack of time. I have recently returned from spending the Christmas/Winter season working in Lapland on the Finnish/Swedish border, and had a distinct lack of WiFi. Whilst Im on the subject, I’d also like to thank you all. To sign in a minute ago and see that my blog has still had hundreds of views despite the lack of posts, is simply phenomenal.

As a note of thanks and sorry, I will share with you some beautiful sights from my travels...

 

 

Enjoy, you lovely people.

Courtney’s Imagination★