"It's no wonder you're fucking feeling down".

Today I’m gonna be a hypocrite because we can’t be strong every day, least of all when we get bad news. Today, I feel like the world is bloody cruel.

My family have been through so much, especially lately, and I’m proud of them. I only just realised it if I’m honest, but they must all be made of stone, or something. Over the past year or so, life just seems to have got worse and worse for them and they’ve just gone along with it. I honestly thought it had reached a point that couldn’t get any worse, but today I have been proven wrong. Today, I have been given yet another piece of shitty news that’s aiming to tear them apart.

Over the past couple of days I’ve been working on a programme with an amazing staff team, and a lot of kids who need to be shown their potential, like I needed when I was their age. It was a great programme, but it was a little overwhelming as I once again reflected on my journey. As the pressure heated up and the challenges were thrown at me, I faced them head on, thrashed every single one, and was even commended for doing so. Afterwards though, the lack of sleep and stress had worn me down and it was like a lorry had knocked me sideways. I went outside for air whilst the team finished packing up, and was joined by one of them for a heartwarming conversation. We concluded that it’s no wonder I felt down, when so many different parts of life are in the gutter. For once it was weirdly nice to not be emotional about me, because I’m at a relatively good place in my personal life and am hopeful and positive for the parts that aren’t so great. I feel a little guilty for that though, being able to be content when my family are having such a tough ride in life right now.

It’s hard to feel positive for my family, when they just keep getting knocked down. I’m not going to list all of the issues with them because it’s not fair on them and I don’t want sympathy, but today I discovered that one of them has cancer. Today was the first day in a long time that I’ve cried those howl-y, achey, heart and soul kinda tears. I felt like I was mourning for my family’s sanity. I am so mad that so much shit is being thrown at them, because they are the last people who deserve it right now. I’m so angry and heartbroken all in one that it’s blocking my pma, but I don’t even care. I feel like an angst-ridden teen again.

Not every day can be a good one I guess, so I’m just going to let myself be sad until it passes. Sometimes all we have the strength to do is have some down-time and feel sorry for ourselves, so that's what we must do!

Bad news hits me hard, but sometimes, the world is so unfair.

I have a happier, half-written post to upload for you soon but until then, I need this...

Courtney’s Imagination★