It's easier not to say anything.

As you guys will probably know by now, since this year started, I have been working to discover more about myself and ways to build on my life. Today, it's my speech, that has come under scrutiny.

I was watching a TV show about speech not long ago, and it brought on reoccurring thoughts I've had about my own speech. I can talk, don't get me wrong, but there are times that it's difficult. Let me explain...

As I was growing up there wasn't a lot that I spoke to people about, and to this day, it's a struggle to open up. Often though, I find that it's not because I don't want to tell somebody something, it's that I find myself physically unable. I can recall many times in my life that I have wanted to say something to somebody but find that the words have been stolen from my lips, and it's extremely frustrating for somebody to think that you want to keep your life a secret from them. The situation often used to be that I didn't want to talk about the things I was feeling, but that is not the case now, as I am more than happy to email or text people about my thoughts and feelings. Maybe it's just anxiety or paranoia kicking in, but it's something that I just wanted to draw my own attention to, and share with you guys.

Also I'd just like to apologise for the lack of blogs this month... I am by no means going to stop blogging, but life has been chaotic. I have a long list of things I'd like to write about and upload as well as a couple of posts I need to check, but they're all on my laptop which is currently dead, and the charger is broken!

I'd also like to say that I visited my nan today, and the only questions that I had to repeat answers to were to my Granddad, who had been out of the room when I previously answered them. A lot of you will never understand what this means to me, but I can tell you now, I am still in awe.

My heart is so full right now.

Finding my voice...

Courtney's Imagination★

Get happy.

Today, I thought I lost some strength. Fact is, I probably gained some, if anything.

I am more than happy to admit that often in life we are gonna struggle, but sometimes, those struggles can get repetitive. I still stand by the saying ‘Life is what you make it.’ but I do understand that sometimes it isn’t that easy.

For example, today I woke up in one of the worst moods possible for no reason at all, and wanted to shut the world out. Instead, I got out of bed and made it so I didn’t get back in, I got dressed, I put on my most meaningful necklace, then looked in the mirror and said to myself; “Let’s do this.’ However many times I have preached the phrase ‘say what you need to say’, it doesn’t end there. I have found that we also have to do what we need to do. Therefore, today I made an effort to be a friend in this world, rather than hate it. In reality if I'd of given in to my instincts today, I would’ve only been hurting myself.

That’s something we often don’t realise too. Most time in our lives when we are stressed out, or upset, or angry, we are the only ones that we are affected by feeling those negative emotions. There are so many times I have told my mum to chill out, or calm down to help herself, but I guess people can be so caught up in the moment that they miss the reality of the situation. Though, that's also like the situation of focussing on the bad parts of your life for so long that you miss the good ones, and the opportunities. Open your mind, and your heart.

Next time you’re feeling something negative, think about who it’s hurting, or affecting. Often, it will only be you. That’s why I believe it’s easier to be calm in crappy siutations, because you think more rationally, and find that the situation can be sorted easier than you first thought, or maybe even that it’s not actually as bad as you first thought.

If all else fails at giving you a smile, music never fails.

You’ve got the power, remember. You control your life.
Courtney’s Imagination★

We just wanna make the world dance.

Today, I’ve learnt life lessons, and gratitude.

For as long as I can remember, my mother has always watched all of those shows you find on daytime TV for home improvements, buying new houses, recipes, gardening, etc. She seemed to be in awe of them. Somehow it became a stereotypical joke between the two of us that she watched them because it was the type of show that middle-aged women like her were supposed to watch. I love real-life shows and true story things, but those were the kinda shows that have never taken my interest, so to me, naively, they were junk.

As I entered a friend’s bedroom a couple of weeks ago, they were watching one of those same programmes I had seen my mum live for whilst growing up. At just 5 years older than me, this friend was far from fitting with the stereotype that me and my mum had created for ourselves, so I questioned it. I certainly wasn't expecting the answer I received...

“Why do you watch this rubbish?”
“Because it reminds me that I won’t be living in a shitty place like this for the rest of my life.”

The place we were living in is far less than a mansion so I could see the points that were made, but it made me think. Soon after, I moved back to my mum’s house. Whilst growing up, she was always able to find something to moan about in our house and now I am at this age, I don’t blame her, because I can see all the faults. As somebody recently learning to always strive for improvement, I can probably see them better than her, now.

When somebody entered my bedroom at my mum’s house not too long ago and made a comment, I was ashamed. At that point I was still the girl who felt that material objects mattered, and as somebody who was always made to feel like nothing more than dirt on the ground for not having a material social status, I cared. Now I see my mistakes.

I finally see just why my mum still watches those ‘junk’ programmes. We live in a house with so much wrong with it and so much potential to change it, but we are held back. My mum still holds that dream my friend has, and I admire her for it. At an age that is probably over half her lifetime, my mum still has dreams, dreams that mean more to her than a new possession. All she ever wanted for us as a family, was the best.

Well excuse the cliché, but you succeeded mum, because ‘the best’ comes in the form of lessons, experience, mistakes, and advice.

I have truly learnt that life is about the people, the feeling, the love, and not the latest trainers you 'just have to have' or the notes in your wallet.

Money does not make the world go round, and you are a moron if you believe it does.

I may not be rich with money, but it is the only thing I am not rich of.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Do it with a heart wide open.

A few days ago, I made myself cry. Yes, I still overwhelm myself with my journey.

You may or may not know by now that throughout my life, I have always had a problem with physically speaking words that I want to say to people. Not just any words; I am more than capable of having pointless and random conversations with people, but when it comes to situations that have in the past, or still do mean something to me, I have always blanked.

I believe the root of that problem was bullying. Starting when I was in primary school and continuing for 7/8 years, I felt like I had a pretty rubbish childhood. Slowly but surely every ounce of my confidence disappeared and I became a girl I didn’t know, but that girl is who I found myself being for several, long years. I was so young and naive when it started though, that I didn’t really know it was wrong. I had no idea that being made to feel like I was living in hell was not normal, so I never spoke to people about it. For so long people never knew the full effect it had on me, most of the ones closest to me still don't, and I will honestly tell you now that I have no idea how on earth I have managed to keep so many secrets for so long.

Anyway. The reason I was brought to tears was because I realised something about myself, and an achievement I had subconsciously made. I had a conversation with somebody. A conversation, face to face, with spoken words, that I have never before managed to conquer in quite the same way. The most important part of this whole scenario was that I didn't even think about it until afterwards. I guess words really do move through our minds whilst we are unaware.

I don't remember if I've posted this song before or not, but it's so relevant right now that I'm going to post it anyway. These words mean the world to me, for so many different reasons.

Say what you need to say...

Courtney's Imagination★