I know you're somewhere out there.

♥

Courtney’s Imagination★

Have you ever loved and lost somebody?

As I mentioned in my previous post, I recently and tragically lost a wonderful friend of mine. So now, as I’m preparing to work in what is probably one of the happiest places on earth this winter, I’m faced with a dilemma. I have found myself stuck in an ultimate funk and I just don’t know how to pull myself together this time. I’ve learned the hard way before and discovered that brushing over what you’re feeling will never work, and it’ll come back to bite you several months later, twice as hard. Therefore I’m feeling very against the idea of waiting until I’m back home after Christmas, to address my grief.

I can’t quite pinpoint exactly what it is I’m feeling, because my emotions seem to be spinning through the cycle of loss. One minute I’m sad, the next I’m in shock, and the one after that I am in denial. I’m extremely lucky to have not been in the position of losing a loved one many times, but this is the worst so far. The problem I am facing this time is not that I am alone-because I know I have a wonderful support network of friends and family-but that I feel it. You see, this friend of mine was a childhood friend but she moved almost 500 miles away shortly after starting high-school. We kept in touch throughout and ironically grew to be closer friends than we ever were whilst living in the same town. She moved so long ago now, and gradually lost contact with most of if not all of her other friends here, and only came back in contact with them a year or so ago. Due to that, the news seems to have hit me the hardest of the people here, and none of them seem to understand why.

Everybody in her ‘new’ town and all her family have each other to lean on and get through this painful time together, because they’re all feeling the same. My issue throughout this process of emotions is that nobody in my support network had memories with her, and they’re not able to say that their lives were better for knowing her. It’s so difficult to have everybody tell me they’re sorry for the loss, but not have them able to remind me of something funny she done, or what she would say to me now, or even how brilliant her life was and all the things she achieved. It’s those little comforts of knowing that a lost loved one was part of your life, that get you through times like this. When you don’t have constant reminders, it’s harder to even acknowledge that it’s real and they’re gone, let alone work through grief and move forward.

Though my heart is a little broken at the moment, it’s not an excuse for me to give up. Most of all, because she wouldn’t want me to. I still believe that everything happens for a reason and that everything will be okay in the end, but sometimes before things can be okay we have to confront the challenges life throws us.

We all inherit tough things that we need to deal with, and we all are faced with loss throughout our lives. We all have our own ways of coping. Today my method has been to blog out the sadness and to remind myself of the greater stuff.

Whatever stage you’re at in life, I want you to take a minute and have a think. I want you to think about all of the things you’ve never said to people because “there’s always tomorrow”.

Tomorrow is never a guarantee. Tell people if you love them, be honest, be true to yourself, smile everyday, and follow your heart.

Life’s too short to hold grudges, have regrets, and tell lies. You never know what’s round the corner, and you never know when a life might shockingly end.

Live your life while you can, and live it to the full. Whether you need a headstone tomorrow, or in 20 years time, give them something to write on it. Give people something to remember you by.

Make yourself proud.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Sometimes there are no words.

Last night I discovered that a friend of mine was killed in a hit and run incident. It's like one of those situations you always hear about in the news, but you never think it would be somebody you know. I’ve been trying to find the words to write something to her or about her but I am simply speechless. Therefore, I’m just going to post a trailer for her.

You were so 'mega'.  

R.I.P, you little canary fan.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Keep holding on.

It’s recently really come to my attention that suicide is another of those extreme and taboo conversation topics. I guess it’s a bit like everybody walking on eggshells. People don’t talk about it, but you never know what’s going on behind closed doors, or how many people from that crowded room have attempted, will attempt it, or have lost a loved one. I don’t know exact statistics, but I know that suicide and attempted suicide happens a lot more often than people realise, and a lot more often than people would like to admit. Society always seems to throw shame and hatred at any attempts and I really hate that because it’s another one of those things that people don’t understand. There seems to be such little awareness that the majority of society becomes a bully, the second something is mentioned on the news. Most of the attempts or fatalities mentioned on the news or spread on social media never give the person behind it a chance to get their story across either because they’re too afraid of the hate they’ll receive or because they were successful in their attempt, so I’d like to share mine. I’d like to share one particular attempt I made a few years ago, in the hope that I can open up even one more mind.

I think the biggest question surrounding suicide is ‘Why?’ but the truth is, it differs for everybody. No two people in this world live the exact same life with the exact same life events and challenges, feeling the exact same emotions about it all. Therefore, there probably isn’t a simple answer as to why one single person in this world would want to end their life. I know that family and friends of a lost loved one often say that their act was nothing but selfish, but actually, I think that’s a comment from themselves being selfish and only thinking about how they feel now their sister, son, friend or cousin, is gone. I know there will be many people who disagree with me on that one, but I stand by my beliefs. Sure it hurts to lose somebody, but you have to be in a dark, dark, painful place to make the decision that you don’t want to live anymore.

Despite having been there myself, one of the hardest times of my life was trying to convince somebody I loved, that their life was worth living. I’ve been on both sides of a suicide attempt and neither are easy, but I can honestly say that living to tell the story and living to hear the story be told, is one of the best things you can feel.

As you know I try to be 110% honest here so I won’t leave anything out, but I will say, please don’t read this if you think it could be a trigger for you. I’m in a wonderful place in my life now and I would not be writing this is there was even a smidgeon of doubt in my mind that this would  make me relapse in any way.

There’s one particular attempt of mine that I remember like it was yesterday. I wasn’t old enough to buy myself tablets so I’d spent the past few weeks getting them. Whenever I’d be left in the house alone I would go searching for more, and I hid them until that day. I must’ve had at least 40. I’d planned it all, I knew what I was doing and it was a day I’d been waiting for. I’d been in that dark place for so long and I didn’t see a way out. I was so ridiculously depressed and ashamed of myself and I felt so hated by everybody, that I didn’t even feeling like I was living anymore, I was just existing and acting. I felt like I had nothing, and like I was nothing. I honestly didn’t think I’d be missed at all. I thought that I was nothing but a burden to my friends because all I ever had to say was something referring to how bad I felt. I thought I was useless to my family because I was constantly moaned and shouted at, and I was the centre of so many arguments. I thought I could just die and my existence would disappear, so that everybody could be happy and live their lives.

It was somehow like I would feel so angry and sad and emotional, but at the same time I would just be blank and numb. I had so many self destructive ‘phases’ whilst I waited to have enough pills. I had such a hate campaign against myself because I had joined the bullies in the harsh things they said about me. Nobody could’ve said a worse thing about me than myself by that point though. I’d reached the stage that I honestly didn’t care about myself because I didn’t see a point to it. I’d planned to die anyway, so there was no need to waste the little energy I had in caring about things I did or said. I should’ve been hit by moving traffic, so many times.

Getting to ‘that day’, I remember sitting on my bed with tears pouring down my face. In those moments before swallowing I felt more alive than I had over probably that past whole year. I felt excited that I wouldn’t have to hurt anymore. I felt relieved that I wouldn’t have to face the bullies anymore. I felt free, in the knowledge that I could soon be at peace.

I cut myself first, because I felt like I had to let go of everything before I died. Dragging the blade through my skin again and again, I could let go of all the pain I felt because it wouldn’t exist before long. I pushed out all of the tablets from the plastic, one by one, letting them fall into a pile in front of me. I hadn’t felt the need to write a note, because I just didn’t have anything to say to anybody anymore.

I picked up a glass of water in one hand, and picked up 4 tablets in the other. I took some water in my mouth, before tipping my head back, dropping the pills in, and swallowing. I knew I’d taken the first step. I was so close to a world without pain. Again I sipped some water into my mouth, dropped more pills in, and swallowed. I was bad with tablets at the best of times, but with the result I thought this would bring me, I persevered. I remember being about halfway through and I felt so sick, but I knew I had to keep going. When there were 3 tablets left in front of me, I took them one by one. I wondered how long it’d take me to die, and I wondered what it would be like. I wondered if I’d feel anything before, or if I’d partially wake and know it was happening, or if my body would just shut down whilst I slept. I had no idea. I picked up all the empty tablet sheets and put them in the draw beside my blades. ‘I don’t need to hide them, they’ll find everything anyway’ I thought. Then I curled up in my bed, pulled the duvet over me, and let my eyelids fall shut. That was it, I had given up on myself and the world, and I had taken my necessary actions to let myself die. The world could finally be a wonderful place, and I could finally slip away from it.

So there you have it, suicide through the eyes of somebody living to tell their story. It’s not all black and white like the media make it out to be, and there will always be a story behind it. I'm sure if you've ready some of my previous posts, you'll know some of the factors that lead to my depression.

I’m grateful that I never died, and my scars, stories and memories are just proof of how strong I am to overcome ‘the dark side’ and to pick myself up from the gutter after trying to give up.

Looks can be deceiving. It’s astounding how easily people can hide their true feelings for so long. If you can save even one life, do it. Nobody deserves to hurt but sometimes people get things they don’t deserve.

Life is such a precious thing, please don’t give yours up.

- http://www.samaritans.org/

- http://www.papyrus-uk.org/

- http://www.nightline.niss.ac.uk/

- http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

- http://www.twloha.com/index.php

- http://www.youth2youth.co.uk/

- http://www.suicidehotlines.com/canada.html

- http://www.suicideline.org.au/

Help somebody. Help yourself.

Do it now, before it’s too late.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Just smile.

Today has been a pretty exhausting day at work, but it was so rewarding that I don’t care. My job helps me make a difference to people’s lives, and that is all I ever want to do; make a difference.

Put your hand up if you think you’ve impacted somebody else’s life, throughout your lifetime?

Truth is, probably all of you have.

Put your hand up if you’ve ever smiled at a stranger in the street for no reason?

You don’t know them, or their circumstances. You don’t know how their day has gone, how content they are in life, or if they have many family and friends around them.

Truth is, you have probably brightened many peoples’ days.

When you’re young your parents tell you not to speak to strangers, but as you grow up, communication with them somehow becomes more acceptable. You become more aware of the world and of the dangers in your life. Gradually you also become more aware of the fact you don’t need a reason to show emotion.

Smiling at somebody in the street or in a shop is a gesture that silently speaks a million words.

Make a difference. Smile at the next person you see.

Your smile could even save a life.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Reach for the stars.

Put your hand up if the future scares you.

Okay, now put your hand up if YOUR future scares you.

I can almost guarantee that my hand was up first for both of those questions, because I can safely say; I am terrified.

I am scared of whether or not I’ll succeed.

I am scared of whether or not I’ll be happy.

I am scared of the places I’ll go, and the things I’ll see, and the people I’ll meet.

I guess you could say I am scared of myself.

I think I’ve mentioned fear quite often here before in negative ways, but this fear is different. It’s unique, and like nothing else I’ve ever been scared of. Fear is something we often class as a bad emotion to be feeling, but I think it’s good too, and pretty exciting.

There are many things in life that will petrify us, but that doesn’t mean we should hold back and live sheltered lives. A very wise man once asked me if I thought that he shouldn’t go through the bad things in his life just because it was difficult. I said that I didn’t think that, and he replied with the following;

“Something good comes out of every situation, and now I'm the happiest I've ever been.” 

That’s been a phrase I’ve repeated many times, and it has taken me far. There came a time in my life where that same man had once said the following to me;

“5 months ago you were failing. I thought you had no hope in hell.”

With that said, it obviously now gives me extreme pleasure to be called a success by him. Sure, I’ve screwed up many parts of my life, but it’s not the falling down that matters in life, it’s the getting back up that gets us through life.

4 years ago when my heart took in those words of having ‘no hope in hell’, I was in a very bad place in my life. If you’ve read previous posts then you may know something about that, but for now, let’s just say that my head was the definition of a train-wreck. To now hear that somebody from my life back then is proud of me for my achievements and where I am today, I’m feeling pretty much ‘over the moon’. Back then though, today was the future to me. Today was a day I was petrified of. Today was a day I weren’t even sure I would get to see. Most things in life turn out differently to how we expect them to or how we plan them to, but not always in a negative way. Those differences can be so, SO good for us.

The sky is not your limit, there are footprints on the moon...
Courtney’s Imagination★

P.s. Enjoy...

I'm a skyscraper.

Go on and try to tear me down, I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper.

Like I’ve said before, time is a healer.

Let nothing keep you down. Life’s too short to only stare at the ground.

Look at the clouds and let your lips move upwards, no matter what life throws at you.

Courtney’s Imagination★

When you're close to tears remember, some day it'll all be over...

My heart is still so full of anger and frustration. I guess this is just one of those times in which I need time to come to terms with this and let the negative emotions pass, but I hope whoever you are, wherever you are, that your heart is full of love and happiness.

This isn't easy, but life’s not easy. Only time can heal this right now.

Courtney’s Imagination★

"It's no wonder you're fucking feeling down".

Today I’m gonna be a hypocrite because we can’t be strong every day, least of all when we get bad news. Today, I feel like the world is bloody cruel.

My family have been through so much, especially lately, and I’m proud of them. I only just realised it if I’m honest, but they must all be made of stone, or something. Over the past year or so, life just seems to have got worse and worse for them and they’ve just gone along with it. I honestly thought it had reached a point that couldn’t get any worse, but today I have been proven wrong. Today, I have been given yet another piece of shitty news that’s aiming to tear them apart.

Over the past couple of days I’ve been working on a programme with an amazing staff team, and a lot of kids who need to be shown their potential, like I needed when I was their age. It was a great programme, but it was a little overwhelming as I once again reflected on my journey. As the pressure heated up and the challenges were thrown at me, I faced them head on, thrashed every single one, and was even commended for doing so. Afterwards though, the lack of sleep and stress had worn me down and it was like a lorry had knocked me sideways. I went outside for air whilst the team finished packing up, and was joined by one of them for a heartwarming conversation. We concluded that it’s no wonder I felt down, when so many different parts of life are in the gutter. For once it was weirdly nice to not be emotional about me, because I’m at a relatively good place in my personal life and am hopeful and positive for the parts that aren’t so great. I feel a little guilty for that though, being able to be content when my family are having such a tough ride in life right now.

It’s hard to feel positive for my family, when they just keep getting knocked down. I’m not going to list all of the issues with them because it’s not fair on them and I don’t want sympathy, but today I discovered that one of them has cancer. Today was the first day in a long time that I’ve cried those howl-y, achey, heart and soul kinda tears. I felt like I was mourning for my family’s sanity. I am so mad that so much shit is being thrown at them, because they are the last people who deserve it right now. I’m so angry and heartbroken all in one that it’s blocking my pma, but I don’t even care. I feel like an angst-ridden teen again.

Not every day can be a good one I guess, so I’m just going to let myself be sad until it passes. Sometimes all we have the strength to do is have some down-time and feel sorry for ourselves, so that's what we must do!

Bad news hits me hard, but sometimes, the world is so unfair.

I have a happier, half-written post to upload for you soon but until then, I need this...

Courtney’s Imagination★

Would you have done the same as Derek Redmond?

A few days ago an inspiring video was brought to my attention, and I want to share it with you guys. It’s about a guy called Derek Redmond. I don’t know much about him except for what this video shows me, but he was favoured to medal in the olympic 400m race in Barcelona, 1992.

When I was shown the video I was told it would me me cry, but I didn’t realise quite how much. As the clip played and I saw how determined, ambitious, and inspirational Derek was, I can honestly say I was crying like a baby. In awe of this man, tears were streaming down me cheeks faster than you can say “wow”.

Derek didn't quit, and he is a true example of ‘It’s not the winning that counts, it’s the taking part’. As he got back up to finish that race, no matter how badly it hurt him, he saw no option in giving up. He knew what he wanted to do, and that alone is something that so many of us lack.

The video still leaves me a little speechless if I’m honest, but I think what Derek done was truly remarkable. It was a sign of such strength and courage and I think it could teach us all a thing or two about motivation. Plans may change, and not everything in life will work out the way you want or expect, but sometimes it's the unexpected things that teach us the most.

Don't be a quitter.

When you fall in life, get back up.

Never give up.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Are you in love?

I used to wonder why people would ever cheat on their other half, but sometimes the hypocrite in me understands it. Sometimes I do see why someone would want to be with someone other than their girlfriend or boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean they should do it. At the same time though I will always believe that if you have to be with more than one person at once then you shouldn’t be with either of them, because they clearly don’t give you everything you want. Nobody deserves that pain of finding out that the person they’re with wants to be with someone else, or the phases of blaming themselves, or the lack of trust they then have for everybody in their lives. I’ve been with guys who’ve cheated on me, and even though I can let myself see reasons for it, I am definitely 110% against it.

I think when somebody hurts you in a way you haven’t been hurt before, you don’t bounce back easily. You go through phases of emotion whilst trying to understand how somebody could possibly hurt you like that, because it just doesn’t sink in. You wonder how you can get over it and you wonder how you can stop loving them. A friend of mine has had some guy trouble lately and been wondering whether or not to give out a second chance or whether to wait for the guy she loves, and it got me thinking about love. I can honestly tell you now, I don’t think anybody ever falls totally out of love. I mean, when you make memories with someone, take photographs, give gifts, and share parts of your life with them, they’re things you’re never gonna forget. People say you can forgive but never forget, and I think that’s true. You can learn to forgive somebody and let go of the pain to move on with your life, but in reality, it will always be there in the back of your mind.

Out of all my previous relationships, there has only been one that felt perfect when it happened. We were totally smitten and he had more in common with me than any other guy, but it wasn’t plain sailing. There were definitely bumps and cracks along the pavement, and in the end it didn’t work out. I’m not gonna play the victim here because I gave as good as I got when it comes to hurting each other, but it doesn’t change the fact that I care about him. Somebody once told me that if you truly love somebody but break-up then a friendship between you will never work, but if you don’t truly love them, then you could have the best friendship after you split. We never worked as friends after we broke up, but I’ve learnt a lot about things I want in a guy, and things I don't want.

I know it’s often unrealistic to have an image in your head of what you want from a guy, but at the end of the day most of the characteristics are probably opposite traits to previous boyfriends, so it’s only natural. I do know the things I want from a guy, but I’m realistic too, and willing to compromise. A wise friend of mine once told me to think about the things I would compromise though, and the things that I feel are necessary. There are some traits in a guy that would just be a bonus, but having things in common to base a relationship around in the first place is a pretty big essential. She also told me to think about the things I may subconsciously settle for that would be compromising myself. Never settle for second best, guys and gals. That goes both ways. Never settle for being second best, and never settle for having second best. If you do, I can promise you now, you will forever be looking over your shoulder at what you’re missing.

I know I’m young but there are a few guys I’ve loved and I’ll admit there will always be a part of me that will always love parts of them, but I’m thankful to them for being in my life and for helping me learn about the things that matter to me. I’m thankful to them for helping me learn who I am, and believing in me.

Love is like a memory; it never totally fades away, even if you want it to.

You can never forget the things in your life, for they made you who you are today.

People enter your life for a reason.

Courtney’s Imagination★

Speaking of love, I have a lot for this man...

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like everything was 'out of place'?

When something has been a regular occurrence or feeling in your life, you just assume that it’s like that for everyone else, too. You never stop to think that there’s even a possibility that you’re doing something that isn’t normal. Even when you’re moaned at or nagged, or called a control freak, for some reason you still don’t see that something isn’t right. Until you grow up.

I watched a documentary last night about people admitting to their problems, and seeing as there are still problems I haven’t mentioned on here or really admitted to myself, I decided it was time to unleash another. I think I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I have irrational fears and intrusive feelings. For as long as I can remember, things have always had to be ‘just right’, and I simply could not stop until they were. Something odd I remember often doing is touching the door-frame. If I’d hit my shoulder whilst walking through, I would always have to stop and touch it again in exactly the same place, until it felt right, or until I got to a ‘comfortable number’. My number was usually 4. Sometimes I would turn around and touch the other shoulder 4 times as well, to make it even.  I remember counting words, too. If I was singing along to something for example, and I sung a wrong word, I would have to repeat it 3 times, so that they added to the original to make a fourth. Then and only then would I feel that it had been ‘cancelled out’ and no longer mattered.

I once cleaned all the cupboards inside and out, before even attempting to put my things inside them. Spilling food drives me insane. If I feel like something is dirty, I must clean it, even if it's spotless. Contamination scares me. I remember being in cars and classrooms with people having to squish to one side of the desk or back seat in fear of being touched and 'contaminated'. I am protective of my belongings. I can’t deal with place-mats and coasters out of line on the table, or dvd cases and books out of place on the shelf. The clothes in my wardrobe are categorized and organised, just like my draws, books, shoes, and even my coats on the coat rack. I won’t rest until my clothes are folded exactly symmetrical or the corners of my towels match up exactly, and I cannot sleep until the top of the duvet is perfectly in place inside the duvet cover. I always move the chairs in my mum’s lounge so they are aligned, and I always have to close the curtains so they are 'perfect' and I can see no gaps. I get anxious that I will be at harm if people realise that the lights are on behind the curtains, and somebody is in. When I am alone outside I am always paranoid that somebody’s behind me, or out to get me. When I am home alone I am always anxious that somebody is in the back garden, or right against the door as I check several times that it’s locked. If I forget to check something, I will be stressed and unfocussed until I get the chance to check it. I notice details too well, and remember them too often. I reread things over and over until I feel like I know what it says, and I always worry that I don't know something well enough. When I travel places, I have to check everything I've packed several times, even if it means I have to unpack and repack. I fear too much that I will miss something out.

I have routines. I follow routines before I go to bed, before I go out somewhere, before I travel somewhere, before I go to work, etc. Often I have found myself late or rushing for something because my routine overran, or waking up at stupid o’clock downstairs because I lacked the energy to get ready for bed and had fallen asleep because I ‘just couldn’t’ miss the routine and go straight to bed. Changes in plans fill me with panic. My room at my mum’s is like my little temple. I’ll admit, it’s not always neat, but everything is in a place I am content with. It’s the one place in which nobody can touch things or move them, or lose them. I’ve always said that my bedroom is my organised chaos, because it’s the one room that is only used by me, or me and others at the same time.

Many times I have found myself obsessing over someone or something, and it used to hurt. I mean, I would be so fed up of constantly thinking about that one thing over and over that I would just get so distressed to the point of screaming. Having clean hands is something I also obsess over. I know that’s such a cliché symptom, but it’s one I have. I simply cannot cope with the feeling of sticky or dirty hands, whether they’re mine or anybody else’s. I remember being annoyed at school, wondering how people could eat their packed lunches without washing their hands before/after. I used to constantly be crossing out words in my books at school if I felt that they weren't neat enough or 'just didn't look right'. A reoccurring thought that’s been with me ever since I can remember is ‘I’m not good enough’ or something I’ve done ‘isn’t good enough’. I know that naturally as human beings we are our own harshest critics, but an obsession over a need for reassurance simply isn’t natural. 

I go through phases of severity and my obsessions and anxieties have changed as I’ve grown up, but many of the things mentioned above are still things I struggle with daily. Up until last night I had never even thought about treatment because I thought it was all just 'ways of life'. I thought OCD symptoms were things people just continued to live and struggle with, but now help is something I’m going to look into. Since coming out of hospital and being 'labelled' with a stomach disease I have always feared adding 'labels' to my list of imperfections, but sometimes the things we need to do reign higher than the things we want to do. Half of me is still unconvinced and feels like all the things I do are normal, but the other half is tired of being obsessed and anxious, because it makes me feel insecure. Even the simple thought of a time when I won't feel it necessary to check everything is off or locked or closed, etc, or have everything perfectly aligned or 'in it's place' distresses me. The fact I have these feelings frustrates me but it isn’t possible to just stop like that, because it all revolves around thoughts in my head and they can’t be turned off with a flick of a switch.

Nobody's perfect, everyone has flaws. This is one of mine.

Step up and help yourself. Admit that you’re struggling.

Admitting there is a problem is the first step to recovery.

Here’s to a brighter, potentially less ‘arranged’ (AHHHHHHHHH!!) future.

It’s scary to try new things and ways of life, but hopefully this will be a calmer one.

Courtney’s Imagination★