Today.

I started writing a blog post several days ago, and just deleted every single word of it. I read through it several times, and nothing about it felt right. It wasn’t from the heart. I was afraid that my heart would say too much, but now maybe that would be a good thing. So here I am, laid bare once again, with nothing but honesty.

Admittedly I’m a little out of practice with the whole opening up thing, but now there are things I won’t write for other reasons. I am keeping a tight lip on some things that have happened this year not only because they are not solely things about me, but also because some things are still very raw for me and I am simply not ready to make them public yet.

2013 and particularly the last few months have been incredibly difficult for me. I have found myself thinking and feeling things that I haven’t for years, and I have also found myself thinking and feeling a million new things. Every single one of them has been a challenge, but every single one of them has taught me a lesson.

Something I’ve realized about myself this year is that I have not been true to myself. Every time something has hurt me, I have taken a tiny step backward. Each tiny step has drawn me closer to fear, shame, hatred, and the inability to let go. At the beginning of 2013 I moved away from my family once again, for a job I loved. Whilst on my journey, I made a significant realization that I was not afraid. In comparison to every other move I have made for a job, this was a job role I had known the least about, that I had gained with the least paperwork and effort, and that I would have the most responsibility in. Yet for once in my life, my excitement outweighed my fear. Now as I look back at even last week, that girl is totally unrecognizable.

My heart has been so full of pain, confusion and anger, that I have lost myself. I have forgotten how to love and be proud of myself. I have forgotten how to let things go, and not hurt all the time. I have forgotten how to forgive the simplest mistakes. But most of all, somewhere along the line I forgot how to smile true happiness. I forgot how to be happy. I have taken so many steps backwards and it’s one of those things I never even realized I was doing, until I was right back there in my shell. It’s total deja vu for me, but I was so focussed on the pain and negativity surrounding me, that I lost sight of the beauty, strength and power I once saw in myself. It’s been quite a struggle to even open that shell I’ve been hiding in if I’m honest, let alone step out of it, but today I can say that I am ready. Today, I am ready to not be overwhelmed by pain, fear, and negativity. Today I am ready to learn, love, laugh, and most importantly I am ready to get out there and live my life. 

I am terrified of so many things, but I know that the easy option will never get me anywhere in life, let alone where I want to be. I know that to be proud of myself again, I need to stand up and fight through my obstacles to get myself back on track. After all, it’s not about how many times I fall down, it’s about how many times I pick myself up, dust myself off, and stand up tall, ready to carry on. I know that I am never alone, and I know that there is always somebody worse off than me. I know that I am loved by many and have an incredible support network of people willing to help me through anything and everything. However, I also know that I am too good at pushing people away, and too bad at accepting help, (and often admitting that I even need it). When I hurt as much as I have recently, it terrifies me to let people in, and be close to me. The ‘real me’ might be worn down right now, but I have learnt that I would rather let people see me like this and help me through, than to constantly battle with myself, be alone, and always pretend to be someone I am not.

Everybody has bad days and I’ve no doubt that I will have more, but I believe that for every bad day I get through, there is a brilliant day waiting for me somewhere along the track.

Here’s to stepping out from the darkness. Again.

Here’s to opening my heart. Again.

Here’s to learning to smiling with a heart full of happiness. Again.

Watch this space.
Courtney’s Imagination★